Monday, July 14, 2008

How to make an ass of yourself for three days solid (A Step-By-Step Guide)

  1. Go to get your haircut.
  2. and one for your daughter.
  3. When it's time to pay, realize that you must have left your wallet in the car.
  4. Go look in car.
  5. Realize that you must - for some unknown reason (probably those rotten boys) - have taken your wallet out at home and left it.
  6. Go back in hair place, offer to leave daughter as collateral and run home (with daughter since the hair ladies are terribly trusting) and tear house apart (as well as car).
  7. FREAK THE HELL OUT because you can't find your wallet.
  8. Call CVS to see if you could have possibly left your wallet there when you went to get (yes, ashamedly) Hairstyle magazines.
  9. FREAK OUT EVEN MORE because the lady says your wallet isn't there.
  10. Dig out the credit card that you were going to stop using from the desk drawer so that you can go back and pay for the haircuts (which, incidentally, was possibly the worst haircut you have ever received and make note to self to never, ever get hair cut at "Kidz Kutz" ever again).
  11. Consider very real possibility that some kid at the hair place took the wallet from your purse during the 29 seconds you turned your back to talk to lady cutting daughter's hair (which, incidentally was the most fantastic haircut ever - maybe THAT lady could cut your hair)
  12. Pick boys up from kind friend's house and see if there is any chance that you took your purse in for the 5 minutes you were there dropping boys off and left your wallet.
  13. Of course not.
  14. Drag everyone home and bribe them all with $5 for who ever finds the wallet.
  15. No dice.
  16. Admit to husband that though yes, that very day, he escorted you to get a new military ID because you had lost yours just days before, you have now lost your wallet (containing new ID) and it was most likely stolen by some little hoodlum at Kidz Kutz.
  17. Consider the very real possibility that the UNIVERSE IS FUCKING WITH YOU.
  18. Wait for husband to come home and look for your wallet because he is always great at finding lost things.
  19. Still. no. wallet.
  20. Call all credit card companies to report stolen cards.
  21. Call bank to report stolen ATM cards (yes there were 2)
  22. Contact credit bureaus to flag your & husbands SSNs because they are on (brand freakin' new) military ID.
  23. Realize that there was a $25 Old Navy gift card, $5 Starbucks card about $85 in cash in stolen wallet. Fucking hoodlum.
  24. Realize that only good news is that drivers license was NOT in wallet because you'd had it out all week to get on base w/ the temp pass while husband was TDY (out of town).
  25. Apologize to husband 900 times for losing wallet even though he is being very gracious and kind - which couldn't be easy for him - about the whole situation.
  26. Sulk, bitch and moan all day Saturday about the little hoodlum who took your wallet even though you know that it won't do any good.
  27. Go to Sunday School even though you're still feeling sore & crappy from surgery and grouchy about lost wallet.
  28. Yell at children who ask for offering money because ALL OF MY MONEY WAS IN MY WALLET you foolish children!
  29. Come home from Sunday School to discover a message on your voicemail from the manager at CVS.
  30. Call and discover that your wallet was at CVS all this time, locked in the safe, but that the stupid girl that you AND husband talked to wouldn't even go to the trouble of asking her boss if a wallet was found.
  31. Resist urge to curse stupid, stupid girl once you realize that if you had half a brain then you would have put the wallet in your purse and not left it on the counter by the register.
  32. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?
  33. Throw a big "I found my wallet" Party all day long. (Okay, that's an exaggeration. Perhaps what is closer to the truth is call your best friend and sing the "I found my wallet" happy song and make a total fool of yourself.)
  34. Still believe that the universe was fucking with you because, COME ON.

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