Happy Birthday Maw Maw...

Even though you have been gone over a year now, I still sometimes forget you are gone. And every July 1st until the end of time, that empty place in me will ache a little more. I always loved that you and I both had July birthdays. You were the one who showed me that the Ruby was our birthstone. I treasured the times that you would let me try on the various pieces of ruby jewelry you had. It was something that just you and I shared, our July birthdays.

There have been so many times lately I have wanted to call you and tell you something funny one of the boys has said. Or to boast about something one of the SugarBabies has done. Yes, even after all this time, your number is still programmed in all of my phones. As if I don't know it by heart. But I don't think I'll ever take it off. All week I have looked at my calendar and I've seen your name pop up on this day. July 1 - Maw Maw's Birthday. I wish I could just call and let the SugarBabies sing to you. You always loved that.

I wish that we could come to your house - me, my kiddos, Bek & Tell, Mom & Dad, T&L. I wish we could have one more time together. We are all okay. But we would be even more okay if you were here.

I'll bet birthdays don't even matter in Heaven, do they? You get to be with Paw Paw and your Mom & Daddy and with Aunt Ruby and so many other loved ones and just rejoice all the time. I know you are much happier there. And I guess that tempers my sadness some. But it doesn't make me miss you any less.

So know that I am thinking about you all day today. I may shed some tears, but they will be good ones. Because the fact that I miss you so much is only because you loved me so fully and completely and unconditionally while you were here. So I will celebrate you today, Maw Maw. And we WILL sing to you. I know you will hear it and smile and giggle. I love you so much. Happy Birthday.

Sorry about the lack of posting again, but....

You know what I hate? I hate being unable to post and share what is going on with me and my kids and all of the funny, joyful, irritating, crazy, LIFE around here. And WHY am I unable to post? Because of the possibility that every word I type can be used against me (and probably is). And I hate that. It makes me angry. Because it shouldn't be that way. But evidently it is. So, sorry, all three people who still read around here. Just thought I'd give you an explanation.

As it is, everyone is healthy. Everyone is happy. It is summer, so everyone is whiny - especially me since I'm working my tail off in school, trying to get this MA done as quickly as possible AND spend time with my kiddos, because they are growing up so fast. I'll fill you in someday. I hope. Comments will be turned off on this post. Email or call me if you want to offer encouragement. I love you guys.

My Maw Maw

I know that I one of the lucky few, but up until about two years ago, all of my grandparents were still alive. I grew up 30 miles from both sets of grandparents and I have wonderful memories of all of them. In their own ways, they were each remarkable people who overcame so much to even grow up, much less have successful lives. They are each such a blessing to me.

Over the last two years, both of my grandfathers died. And last night, I found out that my Maw Maw died. Her husband (my Paw Paw, naturally) had a stroke about a year ago and died in October. I think that she finally just couldn't take living without him any more.

My Maw Maw (sorry, that sounds so childish, but that's who she is and I can't just call her "my grandmother) is probably who I was closest to. She grew up the youngest of four girls, born in the midst of the Great Depression in the middle of the dust bowl. They lived in a half-dugout house in West Texas. Her daddy died when she was 10. I know that it was a terrible, terrible death and that it influenced the rest of her life. How could it not? Eventually, they moved to Oklahoma and she met my very handsome (her words) Paw Paw. They got married when she was 16 and she became a mom at 18.

When I was little I thought that my Maw Maw was the most perfect person on the whole planet (and she likely was!). Her house always smelled like heaven to me. And anything that came from her house smelled like it - my brother & I would even say, "This smells like Maw Maw!" Clothes, toys, blankets...whatever, if it came from Maw Maw's house, I didn't want it washed until the smell had completely worn off. I can't even describe the mixture of Downy, potpourri, perfume, good food and grease from Paw Paw's machine shop. But all together, it was just perfect.

Maw Maw always made me feel like I was the smartest, most talented, prettiest girl in the world. If I was sad, being in her lap made things so much better. Or even the sound of her voice. I knew that I could tell her anything and my secret would be safe.

And as I grew up, she never wavered in her support. She told me more than once that I was the best mother that she had ever known. Which was HUGE because, evidently, she had never told MY mom that. Up until I had kids, Maw Maw was the best mom she ever seen. And you know that when you are in the middle of raising kids, hearing you are a good mom means the world. Especially when you hear it from the most perfect person on the planet.

Maw Maw also managed to make my kids feel so special and loved and appreciated. When she was going through chemo a couple of years ago, Bear made her paper hat to wear. And not only did she wear it, she made sure that my mom took a picture so that Bear could see her wearing it. And she would make a point to ask the kids to sing "Amazing Grace" or, really, any other song for her & followed it with lavish praise that would make the singer feel so proud and talented. Every picture they drew was beautiful and every poem or story they wrote was Pulitzer-worthy. Plus they were the smartest, most beautiful children on the planet. Just like their Mommy & Daddy (her words).

Maw Maw really loved nothing more than to sit and listen to her grandkids and great-grandkids play and laugh. My boys, of course, kept her in stitches. When my babies were born, she just wanted to hear them cry or laugh or make noise or just breathe.

I always thought that the phrase "a hole in my heart" was kind of trite and goofy. But really, I understand now. My Maw Maw made me who I am today. My confidence and self-esteem (and my deep, abiding appreciation for cute shoes) are in large part due her influence - her unfailing support and truly unconditional love - in my life. I'm having a very had time imagining this world without my Maw Maw. But, I know without a doubt that she is in heaven with my Paw Paw and she is happy and finally at peace.

I love you so much Maw Maw. Thank you for all you have been for me. Give Paw Paw a big hug and a kiss for me. I'll see you in heaven. Save a place for me.

No funny today

I just received some sobering and devastating news. And it's making me count my blessings at a time when I have really been feeling less than blessed. God has a way of smacking you upside the head, sometimes, doesn't he?

Not long before we moved to England, a good friend of ours who was already stationed there, lost her husband in a one-person car accident. He had just returned from months of fighting in Kosovo and they had two small children, one was two and the other about four months old. It was life shattering to say the least.

But my friend moved back close to her home where there was an Air Force Base, and began to rebuild her life. A couple of years later, she met and married a lovely, sweet man who was a doctor. He was the perfect husband for her and a wonderful daddy to her children. He was a blessing to their lives.

In order to move up in his chosen field, my friend and her new husband moved their family to a place where he could receive training and become even more accomplished in his field. They had another baby, giving them, all together, four kids. They were very happy.

Then this precious man learned he had cancer.

Through a mutual friend, we were kept in the loop about how this sweet man and his family were doing and lately, it wasn't looking good. And today, I got an email from my friend the her husband passed away yesterday. I can't fathom the pain that she feels. She is only 34 years old and has buried two husbands. Her kids have lost two daddies. How do you explain that to yourself, much less an 11 and 9 year old?

My heart aches almost more than I can take for my friend. And I feel petty and ridiculous about the complaints I have had with my life considering we are all healthy and vibrant.

Please keep my friend Kim and her family in your prayers. And go hug and kiss your kids and husband or wife. Be sure you say I love you. Because you never, ever know when it will be the last time.

Paging Dr. Phil....

For obligatory apology, see here and/or here.

What to do, what to do....I am having a really hard time trying to find a balance between family time and "me time." Because "me time " is the only time that I have to post or check email or read everyone else's blogs. In the not too distant past I tried to merge "me time" and family time with less than stellar results. I found myself saying "Wait a minute. I'll get you some milk/supper/attention after I finish this post. Which then turns into "..when I finish reading this person's post."

I had to ask myself, when did reading about other people's lives and children become more important than living my own life and spending time with my children. While SD was gone, blogging was my refuge. I got so much wonderful support from my blog friends and I felt a little less alone. But, I was using my time with the kids to do so. I am needing to find balance and it's not easy.

I am really tired of whining here. I used to have a sense of humor. My kids do really freaking funny things every day. And I should just get on and share the little tidbits. I guess I'm afraid that if I turn on the computer, I will be here for six hours and that's no good. A little self control would be helpful here. Does Amazon sell that? No, I didn't think so.


So, the funeral and the trip down there wasn't as bad as I was afraid it was going to be. In fact it was, I am somewhat ashamed to say...fun. It seems like such a cliche` to say that we all only get together for weddings and funerals, but it's true. And this time I got to meet cousins I had never really seen before. Or at least not in at least 15 years. And given that they were small children then, it was cool to get to know them. One cousin who is getting married in the Spring declared that I must come to the wedding because I am one of the "cool cousins." And for my down in the dumps, frumpy feeling 37 year old self to be declared cool by a 25 year old was very satisfying indeed. Of course it's not too much of a challenge to seem cool when the other cousins are self-righteous teetotalers who really have no clue how to have fun. (did I say that out loud?) We are considering havin a secret family reunion. You are only invited if you can kick back and have a beer with us. Or at least not judge us if we do enjoy and adult beverage or two.

My poor grandmother was so confused. She, at times, had no idea who any of us were. She thought that the "cool cousin" was me because she had long blonde hair like I used to. However this cousin also has these huge b00bs, so that should have been a dead give away. My grandmother did come up to me and tell me how pretty I was several times, though. Really. She would come up and stroke my cheek and say, "You're so pretty!" She had no clue who I was or what I was doing there. And it was hard not to laugh when I was showing her pictures of the kids and she kept saying things like, "Now what's that one's name? How old is he?" I hope people are nice to me when I am old. I totally won't deserve it.

The drive itself was fairly uneventful. It was strange to be in the car with just my parents and my brother. It was almost like I was twelve again. But without the choking on cigarette smoke or the "he's touching me" game. Oh, and I had to drive part of the way. The trip down was almost pleasant until we got stuck in Houston traffic and I had to pee so bad I seriously would have gone in my pants but I would have never been able to live THAT down. Daddy finally pulled into a McDonald's so that I could potty. Two minutes later, we were at my cousins'. Natch.

The drive home would have been okay except that I had a horrendous migraine and my mother would not shut the fuck up. She had something to say about every billboard, every restaurant and every other driver on the road. She's lucky that the migraine had rendered me almost paralyzed or I might have reached up there and ripped her vocal cords out. It was a satisfying fantasy, anyway.

I arrived back home to a clean house and happy children. And damn SD for being able to maintain things while I was gone. I never can commiserate with other wives about the whole house-falling-apart-after-I-was-gone-for-only-three-days thing. He does a damn good job at that and I am so grateful.

The marriage? It seems...better....I think. You know, nobody tells you how hard it is being married. Or staying married anyway. But, damn it's a lot of work. It should really be in the pamphlet. I think it is a miracle that my grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary just before he died. Because he was an old curmudgeon. I would have divorced his ass long ago. Love is indeed a many splendored thing.

Just another rambling, disjointed, and slightly whiny post

Seems like every post lately has started the same way....sorry for the lack of posting.

And I really am. Sorry, that is. Also sorry for the lack of visiting everyone else's blogs. I have been severely limiting my computer time lately. I have been trying to give more time to my family and my house and my "real" life in an effort to improve my marriage.

Has it worked? Hell if I know. Husbands are hard to read, you know? At least mine is. I go all along la-tee-dahing for months and years and at time thinking life is all happy and fine and whammo! Not so much. No, I'm not saying anything is wrong per-say. Just that I don't know how things are. *sigh*

The start of school always throws me. Especially this year, since Bug is going to preschool every day. I thought I'd have all this time and get a lot done. HA! Somehow, I have at least two to three appointments a week of some sort or other. I'm really not sure what happens to my time. the only thing I know is I'm not on the computer that's for sure!

Bug started preschool after Labor Day. He is so funny. He was so excited and so freaking adorable. Then he had to go and be....Bug. Yes, my four-year-old got sent to the office on the second day of preschool. Did you even know that preschool HAD an "office" (In the ooooh! you're in troouuuubbblllleee!" sense of the word)? Seems our little rebel didn't want to help his classmates clean up the toys and started throwing blocks. One of which hit a little girl in the face, requiring an ice pack. Thus, the trip to the office.

Later that same day, he was kicking the crap out of some little girl on the play ground.This prompted a teacher to tell him that "We don't do that to our friends!"

To which Bug replied, "She's not my friend!"

Yeah. It's gonna be that kind of year. Heaven help me. It's a good thing he's cute.

Bear had a bumpy start to first grade. He was having trouble staying focused and getting all of his work done. Blessedly, Mrs Firstgrade chatted with me about it on afternoon, telling me that he is such a smart boy, but he needed to really focus and finish his work. She said that it was something that she would work on with him at school as I said I would at home. She was so gracious and sweet about it. I nearly kissed her. It was such a nice change from Mrs Kindergarten. And let me tell you, Bear has already turned around and is finishing his work every day. He's so proud! He had his first spelling test Friday and made 100%! Same for his reading test. He was about to bust his buttons he was so proud. WHEW!

Friday night, SD, Gray Gray and I took the kids to the fair. We all had a good time, though Bug was a little pissy because he didn't get to ride the bumper cars. None of us adults could ride with him. You know, I've had enough "bumper cars" over the last few months to last me for a while! Also, at the fair, my dad got a call that my grandfather had died. He'd been sick for a while, so it wasn't totally unexpected. Still, sad. But mostly weird, because I am 37 years old and until Friday, all of my grandparents were alive. I'm afraid that this is going to be happening more often and to the grandparents I am closer to, which will NOT be good for my mental health. I'm trying not to think about it.

So, I am heading to Houston tomorrow for the funeral. I'm leaving the kids here with SD. Pray for him. Also, I am riding in a car with my parents and brother for several hours each way. Pray for ME. I don't want to go to jail. You have no idea how real that possibility might be. Also? Houston. Heat. Humidity. Emotions. Angst. Family. This can't turn out well.

Hopefully this catches me up. I'll try not to go two weeks between posts, but I don't know how that will work out. Hopefully, I will find a way to balance blogging and the rest of my life. I still need to review the BOB books that MotherTalk sent me (they are fantastic) and the novel, A History Lesson for Girls (wonderful, wonderful!) for another firm that asked me to. I enjoy reading these books and sharing them with you. It's just that lately life keeps coming at me and won't stop. What's up with that?


Must go pack my black dress and other funereal stuff. This should be fun.