Sorry about the lack of posting again, but....

You know what I hate? I hate being unable to post and share what is going on with me and my kids and all of the funny, joyful, irritating, crazy, LIFE around here. And WHY am I unable to post? Because of the possibility that every word I type can be used against me (and probably is). And I hate that. It makes me angry. Because it shouldn't be that way. But evidently it is. So, sorry, all three people who still read around here. Just thought I'd give you an explanation.

As it is, everyone is healthy. Everyone is happy. It is summer, so everyone is whiny - especially me since I'm working my tail off in school, trying to get this MA done as quickly as possible AND spend time with my kiddos, because they are growing up so fast. I'll fill you in someday. I hope. Comments will be turned off on this post. Email or call me if you want to offer encouragement. I love you guys.

Happy *#$^*% Valentines Day!

Okay. As we prepare to send our little ones to school tomorrow to receive another shitload of sugar in the form of Valentines candy (which of course can't be consumed AT THE SCHOOL. Because the teachers aren't crazy! They send all of that crap HOME so that your little monsterssweethearts can bounce off your walls instead) I want to ask you a question (and do a fair amount of bitching - what? you're surprised?!) :

Are you the parent who helps her child prepare Valentines with little candies or Valentine-y doo-dads attached? Or are you more of the here's-your-box-of-32-cards-for-a-buck-fifty-Sign-your-name-and-put-them-in the-impossibly-small-envelopes-and-then-try-JUST-TRY!-to-get-them-closed variety of mom? I'm certain that you have guessed by now that I am more of the latter. My lazy really takes over on this holiday and, while I don't want to send the kids to school empty handed, I also don't feel like putting that much work or money into this.

But then, the kids get home from school and pour out their little Valentine holders and I see the Kisses that Suzie gave everyone (no, not THOSE kind of kisses and not THAT Suzie- she's the slut at the Junior High now), and the pencils that Dylan brought, and the handmade picture frame/Valentines that Hannah's mom sent (You know her right? Damn overachiever makes all of us look bad), and I feel like a cheap, horrible Mommy. And I resent that. I also resent that I have to give every kid in those classes a gift. Because really, the last people I want to give a gift to are the kids who give my children shit everysingleday at school and sent my sweet babies home in tears. (I'm looking at YOU Bailee and Carlos!) Of course I can't send something for some kids and not for others, so I choose to send just cards.

My children, however, are humiliated by the bare Valentines they are forced to hand out. Oh, the humanity. How can they face their peers on February 15th, having given nothing but a paltry card with a Bible verse on it. How dorky. (The Bible verse Valentines are my pathetic attempt at being subversive)

However, I have found a way to counter the whining. I ask them who gave candy last year. Obviously the initial answer is "EVERYBODY!" But when pushed to elaborate because honestly not everyone did, neither one of them can remember who did or didn't attach a special something to the Valentine. I go on to ask if anyone was ridiculed or shunned for giving a bare card. "Well...no...I don't think so."

See? Because all of that sugar after school creates temporary amnesia, thereby remedying the situation immediately AND getting me off the hook. In theory, anyway. Until next February.

So, your opinion please....does this make me a terrible mom or do you feel the pressure, too and resent it as much as I do? And, do you cave or do you stand your ground (she asks, eyeing the bag of Hershey's miniatures that may or may not be going to Candyland Elementary tomorrow)?

Just for the record, I am also against this whole "party favor bag" business at birthday parties. Why do I have to give you a present on MY birthday? I don't remember that. I always figured that cake and a satisfying round of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" was treat enough. But I'll put my soapbox away for now.....

Resolution!

So, what was wrong with that picture? In short, nothing really.


I shot the teacher an email this morning (which is the morning that school started two hours late for no discernible reason other than it was COLD which totally jacked up my morning because then SP and Bear could go to school before 10:00, Bug's preschool was delayed until 10:30 and I had to be all the way out at the base for a lunch at the Officers Club at 11:00 and now there are chunks of hair missing from my head)** (geez....digress much?)


*ahem* As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself....

I sent SP's teacher an email this morning asking if I could meet with her during her planning period this afternoon to discuss the assignment. She called later to let me know that it would be fine, but could we just knock it out over the phone?

I told her that I hadn't let SP redo the assignment because we were unclear as to what the actual instructions were. That I saw no problems with the original. She said that she really didn't have a big problem with SP's picture, either. As some of us thought, SP had colored MLK's lips and fingernails a little darker than the rest of him.

Mrs. Englishteacher said that while SP's was appropriate, she had asked the class not to color the lips or fingernails a different color. She said that SP is the best student she has and is quite a leader in her class. Evidently SP's classmates often try to emulate her work. (The assignment was to be completed in class today.) Mrs. Englishteacher was concerned that while the colors on SP's paper were appropriate, she couldn't count on the other students being so judicious. She was afraid that some students might take the difference in color to extreme and that it might be viewed as racist.

I still think that perhaps the teacher was over-compensating somewhat in the name of political correctness, but I saw her point. I also wonder if she wasn't kissing my ass a little. But I thanked her for her time and I told her how I appreciated her willingness to listen.

I had SP just erase the color from the lips and fingernails and go over them lightly with the brown she used for the rest of the picture. She gave it to Mrs. Englishteacher this morning and the teacher was pleased.

Hopefully, I taught my daughter how to stand up for herself (or someone she loves) without having to belittle or try to make the other person feel bad about themselves. While going postal on someone can be satisfying at times (I'm looking at you TXU!), I really prefer to be nice and settle conflicts peacefully. Just like MLK taught us. Right?

**This run-on sentence brought to you by the Horrified Writing Instructors of America (HWTA).

Not your traditional parent

This conversation from the other night falls under the heading of "Just start your period already and give us all a break!" She had spent the day rolling her eyes, sighing heavily and antagonizing her brothers.



SugarPlum: I don't know what's wrong with me. I have just felt like punching someone in the face all day!


Me: Hmmmm. Are your panties up your butt? ::reaching down to give cute little tush a pinch::


SP: (shocked, incredulous face) WHAT?????


Me: I said, are your panties up in your butt? When my panties get all up in my butt, I feel like punching someone in the face. Maybe that's what's going on?

SP: hahahahahahahaha!!!!! ::gigging so much that she can hardly walk::

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

A note to my daughter:

Please, for the love of Pete, start your period already. I'm not convinced it will help your attitude at all, but at least then we will have a reasonable explanation for the moody, dramatic, hateful bull***t that keeps spewing from you. It's like non-stop PMS around here lately. GEEZ.

Did you not get the memo? MOMMY is the only one allowed to be moody, dramatic and bitchy. The rest of you are all supposed to gather 'round and sing my praises all day. And get me popsicles. Or maybe margaritas.

So cheer up already!!!

~Your loving Mommy

Today I am bitching about:

1. The odor emanating from my guest suite. This is pretty funny of you have talked to me on the phone in the past week or so.


2. The Ron Paul for President people. You know I'm a Republican, but this guy is a little too fringe for me. (Didn't he used to be a Libertarian?) These people are every.where. I'd give you a link but I don't want to encourage them.


3. TWITTER. Okay, I am loving the Twitter. But one of the people I am "following" is getting totally put of hand with the postings. It is making me crazy. When you stop following someone, are they notified? I don't want to piss this person off. If you are reading this and you think it might be you, trust me, it's not.


4. My sidebar. Those archives are just out of control. I know that I've whined about this before, but does anybody know how to put them into some sort of drop-down thing with out ruining my very old template?


5. The way Stacy and Clint (on What Not to Wear) say "pant" and "shoes." Like "Now this is a really great pant." or "You need a better shoe." They are PANTS and SHOES. Sheesh. (Okay, it doesn't trouble me enough to stop watching. I'm addicted. I even TiVo the reruns! Pa.the.tic.)


6. Speaking of silly "reality" television....That prissy Christian guy on Project Runway. He makes me crazy. And his designs are all boxy and FUGLY. I'm quite over him and I'm ready for him to be Auf'd.


7. My dogs. Their barking is going to push me right over the edge. I know. They are DOGS. And dogs bark. But it's the bossy bark at the door as if I am OBLIGATED to let her in or out whenever she chooses. It's like the Gospel According to Snazzy: "Behold, I stand at the door, and bark: if any man (or woman. or child. well, anyone who can work a doorknob) hear my voice - open the door already! I will come in to him, and will sup with him, (sleep with him, chew up his new shoes, shed all over his furniture and clothes)...and he with me." 1 Labradorians 7:14


8. The end of NaBloPoMo. I really didn't think I'd make it a whole month posting DAILY. But it has been pretty cool. Hopefully, I can keep this up. Maybe not every day, but several times a week. We'll see.

Last minute list....

Turkey? Check
Dressing? Check
Cranberries (fresh)? Check
Ginger (for cranberry sauce)? Check
Green Beans? Check
Potatoes? Check
Gravy? WHOOPS!
chocolate pie filling? Check
whipping cream? Check
Pie crust? WHOOPS!
Rolls? Check
Wine? Double Check
(father-in-law is here, after all)
Pumpkin Pie? (not making from scratch since I found that the local bakery puts mine to shame) ummm...later today

Shopping list for the dreaded "Thanksgiving Eve" trip to the grocery store:
Gravy, pie crust, pumpkin pie, extra whipping cream - because you can never have enough whipping cream...)

What am I forgetting????

Ah, yes. Valium for me, paregoric for the SugarBabies. And? Vodka.

Any other suggestions?

Things I don't understand

• Why my son (Bear) cannot stop breaking his pencils at school. No, I don't mean that the lead frequently breaks. I mean that he breaks his pencils in half. Not one or two. But many, many pencils.
• Why my daughter insists on doing just enough to piss ME off - thoroughly -, but not enough for anyone else to understand why I am so angry. It's a fine line and she consistently finds it. GIFTED. Yes.
• Why, no matter how tired I am, I cannot manage to go to bed before midnight at least four nights a week.
• Where are of this damn laundry comes from.
• How I am going to pay for Christmas presents this year.
• What the hell is wrong with Britney. (I'm so ashamed of my fascination with her train wreck of a life, but I just can't stop looking!)
• What is up with that Yo Gabba Gabba show on Nick Jr. It's like Sesame Street on acid.
• Why Bug is absolutely averse to doing anything any person in authority asks of him.
• Also, how he has figured out the whole "reverse psychology" angle.
• If my house will ever truly be clean and organized.
• Why my husband is still around. Being married to a crazy person cannot be easy. (Entertaining at times, though!)
• Why some people can't escape the roles they assumed in High School, no matter how many years it has been.
• Heroes. This show baffles me.
• How SD knew, without me having to even hint, that I needed ice cream. And not just ice cream, but Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk. How does he do that?
• What on earth possessed me to pledge to post every single day this month? I've been successful so far! Can I make it for ten more days?

ATTENTION SPAMMERS

• I do not want to take advantage of any unique work from home opportunities. Even if they do have the potential of earning me a million, frillion dollars a year.


• I do not want to meet black singles in my area.


• Or Christian singles.


• Or Young Singles.


• Or Big Beautiful Women.


• Or look at pictures of other singles in my area.


• I am married you idiots. And even if I weren't, I wouldn't be meeting that special someone thru a SPAM SITE.


• I am not interested in taking a short survey and receiving a gift card to Chilis, WalMart, Outback, Kohls or anywhere else.


• Bob Allen - I don't believe that you are the one to "jump start my success." YOUR success perhaps, but not so much mine. Also, I'd hate to think that I'd have top sink to the level of spamming people just to be successful. I'll leave that up to YOU, Bob Allen.


• I do not want to become a secret shopper in my area. (Okay, I actually think that would be fab, but I don't exactly trust the people who keep emailing me 1,000 times a day begging me to)


• I do not want to increase the size of my pen*s. Though that would be quite an impressive feat.


• I'm not interested in receiving prescription drugs, even at "ridiculously low prices!!" Or perhaps I should say especially not at ridiculously low prices.


• I'm fairly certain that I never bought a ticket for a lottery in Australia, so I'm thinking that it's another buffi who won.


• This goes for Canada and South Africa a well.


• I don't want to buy a foreclosed house. Vultures.


• Lasik? AS IF I would let somebody who advertises thru spam to do surgery. On my eyes.


• I'm not going to tell you which cola I prefer. Even if you promise me an iPod.


• I have no interest in earning a degree online.


• Therefore, I don't need student financial aid.


• And I don't want to consolidate all of my bills into one easy payment. (I have a sneaking suspicion that you all are in cahoots with the student loan people.) (Who are likely affiliated fairly closely with the "earn a degree online" folks.)(I'm sensing a trend here)


• Seriously? Colon Cleansing? GROSS.


• I don't want to buy a home security system.


• Not interested in becoming a "secret food critic." (See above: "Secret Shopper")


• Don't need life insurance.


• Or Viagra.


• Or Mega Vitamins


• Or a degree in Criminal Justice (but if I had one I'd be bringing all of you assholes down)


• I already have a cell phone, thank you.


• I have no need to learn to speak a new language in 10 days.


• Nor do I want any screen savers, emoticons, ringtones, or free e-cards.


• I am already in touch with all of the people with whom I graduated from high school that I DESIRE to be in touch with. The rest of 'em can suck it.
  

Is everybody clear on this? Are we all on the same page (so to speak)? Good. Now, for the love of Pete! Leave me alone already, wouldja!!!

Comversations that make my mom laugh her ass off (10 year-old version)

Me: SugarPlum!

SP: ............

Me: SUGARPLUM!!!

SP: what??? (very distant)

Me: SUGAR!PLUM!

SP: ::walking in, batting eyelashes:: Yes, Mommy?

Me: When I call you, you come here. Don't yell "What," you come the first time.

SP: ::eye roll:: What did you need Mommy?

Me: I have no idea anymore.

*sigh*

I'm feeling like the gorilla....you know who you are

Also...I need some help. After blogging for over two years now, my archives in the sidebar are taking up a ridiculous amount of room. Can anyone tell me how to make them into a drop down menu that doesn't take up so much dang space over there. It's getting on my nerves. I'm afraid I may go "gorilla" on someone soon because of it.

One thing that may make a difference: My template is old. Very old. Almost as old as the blog. But I still love it. SO the nifty little fixes that you can do on the NEW blogger templates don't work in "classic" templates. (I'm like an oldies station. And nearly as stale! If I start streaming The Eagles' "Witchy Woman" just do us all a favor put a cap in my ass.)

Meanest Mommy In. The. World.

Did you hear that last night? Did you? The wailing and crying and shouts of protest and the gnashing of teeth. Did you hear it? I swear that they had to be able to hear it at least down to Austin and up to Oklahoma City (Holli?).

That horrible noise was the sound of my boys protesting and wailing about the removal of all toys from their bedroom and into big, black garbage bags. Was it some sort of "ambush" where I snuck up on them playing peacefully in their tidy, organized room?

No.

This was the exact consequence that I explained to them two hours earlier when I sent them into their room to pick up the disaster that they had created over the past 48 hours. I gave them several time warnings. "You only have one hour left!" "Thirty minutes until I come and finish cleaning up!" "Fifteen minutes!" "FIVE MINUTES to clean up, you guys!" "Okay! I'll be in there in one minute!"

And yet, those ungrateful little urchins had the nerve to act surprised when I came in with the Hefty Bag and began depositing toys into it. "No Mommy!! We're picking up! See??!" Yes, I saw that they were picking up right then, but when I walked in they had a good game of Garbage Man going (a game strictly forbidden in this house for several months now) and were, quite honestly doing exactly the opposite of "picking up."

No Mommy! Not my garbage truck! PLEASE not my garbage truck!

MOOOOMMMMEEE!! Don't take my fire engine! I looooooovvveeee it!

But Mommy! I am soooo tired!

Oh! not my dolphin!

That's my astronaut helmet! I Lob it!

Nooooo! Not Superman! (Mommies are like kryptonite!)

That helmet is Daddy's! He's going to be angwy with you!

What are you going to do with them? Throw them in the garbage can? (Answer: No, I am giving them to children who don't have any toys and will appreciate them and take care of them.)

Is this something new? No. Is this the first time I have confiscated toys in big black hefty bags? No. The second? Third? No and no. This is the FIFTH time I have done this over the past few months. SO they know that when I say that I'm going to, I mean it. Just like with almost everything else I say. I DO (usually) manage to follow through with the consequences I announce.

They kept telling me that they want Daddy. I had to inform then that Daddy was behind this plan 100% and that he would be doing the same thing were he here. He'll be here in twelve days. Won't they be disappointed when I'm not reprimanded for my meanness! (You'd better back me up on this, mister.)

Have I actually gotten rid of any of those millions of toys that I have taken? No. Not yet. Do I have about eleventy thousand bags and boxes of confiscated toys in my garage and dining room? Yes. Yes I do. And I AM going to give the lion's share of them away to the local women's shelter. I plan to sort through and keep out the ones I know that they actually play with and give the rest away. Thing is? After a day or two, they don't even mention those toys any more. Which tells me that these children have entirely too many toys. They may just get cardboard boxes for Christmas this year. They enjoy those more than anything else.

So, if you live near Candyland and you need toys, come on over. I'll be sorting out the baby stuff for Buttercup, but the rest is up for grabs. Lots of Tonka trucks, stuffed animals, and firefighter stuff. In the words of Bill Cosby's wife "I! Have had! ENOUGH! OF! THIS!" On the upside, if they keep this up long enough, it won't take much at all to clean up their toys. Because you can't clean up something that you don't even possess!

PS If anyone gets the bright idea to come toward MY bedroom, hefty bag in hand? Just save yourself the energy. I'm all fired up for a good fight and probably won't hold back. I've got a good three weeks of pent up anger at many, many different people and events and if you shake that bottle, it's gonna blow. Besides I'm sooooo tiiiirrred!

A few words for the parents in front of Candyland Elementary School

1. When you stop in the middle of the street and wait for your child to be realeased from school, it not only backs up traffic for blocks, preventing all of the other parents from being able to park and pick up our kids, it also endangers your kids and all of the other kids trying to get to their moms (or whomever is picking them up). Cut it out. Find a parking place. Nothing is worth compromising the safety of your child. Or mine.

2. When you DO park, pull all the way over to the curb, please. Stopping near an open spot is not the same as parking.

3. When you have a yield sign it means just that. YIELD already, dammit! I don't care if you do have a Lexus SUV. You still have to wait until traffic has cleared before it is your turn. Moron.

4. When you are dropping your kid off in the morning and you need to escort him in, please do not park and get out in the "loading and unloading only" area. Even for "a sec." It screws everyone else up. And besides, if you were to go about 22 feet around the curve, you would find a parking lot. Very handy for these situations.

5. Standing next to the driver's side window and talking to your friend after school has let out also blocks traffic. I don't care what position you hold on the PTA board, I am going to run over your Juicy clad ass AND your Kate Spade bag next time it happens.

6. Having a new Suburban does NOT automatically give you right of way.

7. Turn your damn music down. I don't appreciate the migraine I get from hearing your bass nor do I want my children learning the "lyrics" to anything that 50 Cent, Nelly, or whoever that is you have blasting from your windows has recorded. Sheesh.

8. This is an Elementary school for goodness sake. When someone angers you with his/her poor driving skills or etiquette, consider your language before you begin to berate that person. Do you want to hear those words coming form your child's mouth? I certainly don't.

Who is in charge of such things and to whom do I send my (very profane) complaint letter??

**Warning** ***TMI Alert*** **Warning**

My husband, who has been gone for FIVE MONTHS, will be here in less than 12 hours.

And?

And?

I started my period last night.

I am not seeing the humor in this at all....

POP QUIZ!

No, not for you. But, I am hoping that I can get some answers...


1. When you would like a particular snack after school, your odds of getting said snack will increase most by:

a. Asking every three minutes.
b. Walking around saying, "I'm staaarrrrrving" and sighing heavily.
c. Maybe starting your homework and picking up your bedroom.
d. Throwing yourself on the floor and crying, "I want my Daddy!"

2. When you would like some milk, the best way to ask is to say:

a. MILK!!!!
b. May I have some milk please, Mommy?
c. IwantmilkIwantmilkIwantmilkIwantmilkIwantmilkIwantmilkIwantmilk

3. In the morning, the best way to get out the door for school without having to hear Mommy scream at you is to:

a. eat breakfast, get dressed, make sure your backpack is ready to go, then play with your brother if there is time before we have to go
b. Stretch and lay in bed for 15 minutes, complain about your breakfast choices and then eat at grand total of three bites of what I finally make for you, play with your brother, cry because Mommy screams at you, go into your room, wrestle with your brother, cry over the screaming again, whine while Mommy helps you get dressed, finally get in the car but forget your backpack, more screaming...you get the idea
c. Throw yourself on the floor and cry, "I want my Daddy!"
d. feign death

4. True or False: Mommy is really just joking when she says that about putting your toys away and getting ready for bed.

5. A reasonable amount of television viewing for a child is:

a. 2 hours/day
b. 16 hours/day
c. I'm sorry, can you ask me at the next commercial?

6. The snack you are most likely to get is:

a. a yogurt
b. a banana
c. a bag of cheetos and a can of Coke
d. if you don't stop that damn sighing, you aren't getting anything, missy!

7. When Mommy asks you to clean your room, that really means:

a. clean your room
b. get out what toys were still put away, pull all the books from the bookcase, strip the beds of sheets and run around naked screaming at the top of your lungs**
c. go outside
d. throw yourself on the floor and cry, "I want my Daddy!"

8. If you see Mommy digging around in her purse and then taking those little white pills, you should immediately:

a. lower your voice about 12,000 decibels
b. Sit down on your bed with a book and your hands folded nicely in your lap
c. PRAY
d. all of the above
e. throw yourself on the floor and cry, "I want my Daddy"

9. When Mommy is on the phone you should interrupt her:

a. only if you are on fire or bleeding from your eyeballs.
b. whenever a thought enters your brain, regardless of how inane or relevant it is
c. ceaselessly.

10. Bedtime is:

a. no later than 8:30, no exceptions.
b. the best time to remember that one last homework assignment or thing you HAVE to have for school tomorrow or you will be in really big trouble.
c. an ideal time to play "jump out of bed as many times as you possibly can and poke your brother"
d. always the right time to throw yourself on the floor and cry, "I want my Daddy" (are you sensing a theme here?)

ESSAY: Daddy will be home in eight days and then you will get to see how "wonderful" things are when he is here. What, exactly, is it that you think that you will get way with while he is here that you haven't with me? Discuss.

**I SO wish that I was kidding about or exaggerating this particular event

Attention Batshit Crazy Sister

I saw you here earlier today. I know you were on for half an hour (no, wait! You came back! Now it was a total of over two hours!) and that you were at work all the while. I know what post you are looking for but you won't find it. For reasons that are really none of your business, that particular post has been taken down. It has not, however, been destroyed. If you would like a copy of the post, feel free to email me and I will gladly send you a copy of it.

Watch what you say, though. I reserve the right to publish any nasty comments right here on my website.

All my love,

Sugar Mommy