Friday, February 16, 2007

Like weeds

I have come to an important decision. I am no longer going to be buying the fresh fruits and vegetable, lean meats, organic yogurt, milk, orange juice and all of the other healthy foods that I have been purchasing all these years. I just can't afford it. From now on, it's Pop Tarts, chips, sodas, coffee, and lots of over-processed foods.


I know that those foods cost as much or more than the fresh, healthy stuff. It's not the food that I can't afford. It's the clothes and shoes that are bleeding me dry. These children are growing at a ridiculous rate. SugarPlum has shot up two pant sizes since school started. And two shoe sizes as well. Every day, when she gets dressed, I dread the conversation that will inevitably ensue about her pants being too short. Seriously. Two inches above her ankles. And she gets mad at me as if I somehow shrunk the pants. This happens with Bear as well, only he doesn't care as much and pretty much wears what I tell him to. Gotta love five year olds. And boys.

And the shoes. You should see the feet on these kids. If we ever move to Colorado, we'll save a bundle on skis. I bought them both new sneakers in August, just before school started. Good quality, name brand (not cheap!) sneakers. Because, I knew that they would likely last all school year without coming apart. But they barely had time to get dirty. By October, they both needed new sneakers. Bear came to me and said that his shoes were coming unsewn at the top. I was MAD. Those were N*kes, dangit. They weren't supposed to come apart in two months. Then I looked at and felt his foot in the shoe. They were coming apart because his toes were poking through the top, they were so small. Ouch. SugarPlum outgrew hers about three weeks later. So much for the BOGO at Shoe Carnival. Couldn't those two have coordinated this?

I have begged, pleaded, insisted, and ordered them to stop growing already. They refuse to comply. They go on eating all of that healthy food and growing taller before my eyes. And it must stop.

Thus, no more health foods. I must staunch this growth before we have to file for bankruptcy. So, from now on, its Froot Loops & Koolaid for breakfast; bologna sandwiches (on white bread! *gasp*), chips and soda for lunch; and pizza bites with CheezWhiz for supper. Snacks will be brought to you by Little Debbie and Dolly Madison. Mommy, can I have a banana? No, here, eat a twinkie. Coffee and sodas will be available at all times.

I may even teach them to smoke.

That ought to do it.

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