Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Since she brought it up...

I have been trying to avoid talking about my depression and all of its accompanying whining**. I try to keep things upbeat and humorous around here. A few days ago Christine emailed me to tell me that, among other things, she had stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey. I share this with you only because she posted about it today and how it is affecting her. She mentions not being able to filter stimuli as well and having a much lower threshold for frustration. I am hurting for her and admit that I was afraid of this happening if only because of how I have been feeling ON my "happy" pills.

Things have been a little touch and go around here lately. I have felt as if I am teetering on the edge. The edge of what? I really don't even want to know. I find myself so easily irritated with my husband and my children. I can go off at the drop of a hat (or a toy!). I was so angry with Bear one afternoon last week for dumping out several buckets of toys and refusing to pick them up that I shouted. No, shout isn't even vaguely accurate. I screamed at the poor child. I screamed and screamed such that his big sister came in and offered to clean up the mess. To which I sharply told her no, he would do it. Then, I went upstairs to get Bug up from his nap. Bug, who had heard me screeching downstairs, saw me walk in and promptly laid back down, put his blanket over his head and said, "No, Mommy! I go back to sleep!"

It was so put of control and out of line and over the top. I was absolutely ashamed of myself. I called Bear to come upstairs. He was understandably reluctant. I called nicely and said, "Please, sweet SugarBear?" and he came up.

I pulled him into my lap in the rocker in his room and apologized and told him that it was very, very wrong for Mommy to shout at him that way and to say mean things to him. I told him that I loved him more than anything in the world and that I understood if he felt angry with me. He said that he felt sad and scared. My heart was broken for my boy. For all my children and it was my own fault.

I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident. It doesn't happen every day or even every week, by any means. But that it happens at all is unacceptable. And really, it is bubbling under the surface so much of the time lately. I feel very stressed and I don't know why.

The other manifestation my depression takes is that I can't be motivated to DO anything. This is why I have about eleventy hundred loads of laundry that need to be folded (SD has washed at least half, if not more of those), and those that DO get folded sometimes take weeks to be out away. I feel like I am being pulled below the surface, drowning in something I can't identify. (so many metaphors, Buffi, pick one, would ya?)

When I started taking anti-depressants, it actually was to control my migraines, but the Lexipro sort of highlighted my depression more than helping it. The doctors concluded that it could most likely be contributed to PPD, which isn't surprising, given the insanity that surrounded my pregnancy & Bug's birth. Anyway, we finally hit on a drug that worked. At least for a while.

I talked to SD about it tonight. I have a doctor's appointment Thursday afternoon as a follow-up to the Topamax. I am going to increase my dosage of that, since I am still having the headaches - fewer, but, still. I am also going to discuss increasing or changing my antidepressant. The stress around here is not going to let up over the next six months. If anything, things are only going to get crazier. Trust me, you'll get some good reading here soon! Let's just say that the Air Force has all sort of surprises in store for me!

Thanks for listening, y'all. I have made some very good, supportive friends here in the last six months. I appreciate you more than you know. I'll try to keep the whining to a minimum. I promise.

**I want to clarify that I do not in any way think that Christine was whining in her post. Hers is so well written and articulate and without the self pity that you read here. I love you, Christine. Thanks for making me take a good hard look at myself!

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