Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Phrases I rarely use in conversation with adults....It's been a while...

It has been ages since I chronicled the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth while parenting. There are things that I never even imagined I would say. If you're feeling nostalgic, you can look waaaay back here to see other times I have pondered the utterings of a befuddled mom...
  • Stop throwing dirt in the air.
  • And no throwing rocks at people.
  • Play knights with your Nerf swords, not these sticks...that have nails in them. Sweet Fancy Moses, where did those even come from??
  • No, you do not need a spear.
  • You're fine. I don't have time to go to the ER today.
  • And don't bleed on my couch. (True story, I actually said that. SugarPlum about peed her pants.)
  • The tooth fairy doesn't want filthy teeth, so you'd better hope you brush well before that thing falls out.
  • Get dressed.
  • Get dressed.
  • For the love of little green apples, GET. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON.
  • I WILL take you to school in your pajamas. Wanna try me?**
  • Cleaning your room includes all around the edges AND in your closet AND under your bed AND the top of your dresser. It does not mean clearing a space beneath your ceiling fan.
  • If you pull all the leaves off that shrub, you'll have to buy me a new one.
  • Please don't break my house.
  • When was the last time someone flushed this toilet?? It smells like Woodstock in here!
  • If you keep screaming like that the neighbors are going to think that someone has been mortally wounded and call the police.
  • Cool Whip is not a "healthy snack."
  • Oh, ew. I think it's time you started wearing deodorant.
  • When I call your name, you get your butt in here, immediately. You do not simply shout "Yeah?"
  • What is so hard to understand about bedtime? PJs, potty, brush your teeth, dirty clothes to the washing machine. That's how it's been since you could walk. Are you new here??
  • "In the washing machine" means just that. Not somewhere in the approximate vicinity of the laundry room.
  • I know that you have heard Mommy say that word, but it is a word that is only okay for grown-ups to use. If you say that at school, you'll get detention.
  • No spitting water all over the shower.
  • How can you have been in the shower for 25 minutes and your hair is not even wet? But the light fixture is?
  • OUCH! *&^$ing Legos. (See above: words only grown-ups can use)
  • Don't sit on the dog.
  • Don't lasso the dog.
  • Leave the poor dogs alone already.
  • If you screw up SugarPlum's math project on the computer, I will let her beat you.
  • Everybody to the bathroom before we leave!
  • GAH! I told you to go to the bathroom before we left!
  • Why are you not wearing shoes? Which part of "going to the grocery store" did you not understand?
  • No, we are not going to McDonalds.
  • No we are not going to Taco Bell.
  • No, we are not going to El Chico.
  • WE ARE EATING AT HOME, we have groceries IN. THE. CAR. RIGHT NOW!
  • How much does your Mommy love you? More than anything in the whole wide world.
  • You little heathen.

**One day Bug piddled around and couldn't find two matching shoes. So he wore the right shoe of one pair and the left shoe of another. He's never had trouble finding his shoes since....


Sonya Rhodes said...

So you've had a hidden tape recorder in my house again!! LOL. You forgot to include "Taking a shower means using soap ON. YOUR. BODY." and "No, you may not kill your brother today."

Kristina said...

Most recently I txt my precious child, "Ummm...why do you have a flashing penis in your bag?" I kid you not! Definitely goes down in the book for me!!

buffi said...

Sonya- seriously, tonight I said, "No killing your brother, I just cleaned the floor."