This again?

My new therapist seems to be of the opinion that I need to journal more. When he asked if I had ever journaled, I told him about my blog & that I don't write nearly as much as I used to. I suppose there are several reasons why I don't write here much any more. I'm sure Facebook plays a large role in this. I am now able to express those passing thoughts in short bursts on my FB page rather than forming an entire post around what's going on. This is probably good & bad. I'm thinking that maybe I should give myself time to process my thoughts a little more. The instant feedback of Facebook is very satisfying.

Also, my kids are getting older and don't necessarily appreciate having stories about them broadcast to the whole internet. To be fair, though, at this point probably fewer people would see stuff on the blog than do on FB at this point. It's not like I get 300-500 hits a day like I did a few years ago when I wrote regularly. I was featured in the Best of Blogs book one year, for crying out loud! (I think it was 2005.) I'm still sad that Haloscan disappeared & took my comments with it. There was so much in those comments - humor, relationships, encouragement - that is just gone now. I had posts with over 100 comments. This just looks like a sad, sad blog that nobody's ever read now.

It's not really that I don't have the time. I mean, I am in grad school right now, but I still spend a stupid amount of time on the internet that could be spent writing. I mean, if I'm going to be on the computer anyway, I could at least write. Or, you know, I could do laundry or de-clutter my house, or study, or exercise, or something productive, but who wants THAT? How silly.

Something needs to change though. I have this great place, I should take advantage of it. Whether anyone reads or not is beside the point. I need to do this for me. I'll try to bring the funny, but I think it may take a bit to get back in the groove. I am going to try to write at least a little something several days a week, just to get back in the swing of things. Of course, looking back, I've said all this before, more than once even, so time will tell, I suppose....

Feel free to hold me accountable!

The "C" Word ( among others)

So much - too much - has happened over the past year or so. Much that I cannot (or rather choose not) to make too terribly public. Although there are people in my life *ahem* who would beg to differ about that last point, but I won't go into that either. Suffice to say, I have no desire to make this into another navel-gazing post about why I haven't posted. Or maybe that's exactly what I'm about to do. Who can tell?

It's funny when you have a blog that was at one time very frequently updated because then as your life gets to a point where you aren't blogging for whatever reason, you feel that you must explain why it is you've been absent. Only, you really don't want to explain, so you put off writing for even longer and it turns into a vicious cycle and suddenly, you find that you are blogging seasonally at best.** So, I'll leave it at this: We are all good. I hope that you both all had a lovely Thanksgiving, a fabulously blessed & joyful Christmas and that the New Year brings all the happiness in the world.

That should hold me till at least March, right? (Also, SugarPlum turns 15 next week. FIFTEEN. Oh. Em. Gee. Who let that happen?)


Now, I shall share a little story that sums up my life quite nicely these days. It takes place in the van yesterday after we dropped SP off at a friend's house. The boys were doing their "annoy the crap out of Mommy" thing and coming very close to making my head explode. I said something about them needing to take it down a notch or there would be unpleasant consequences. In the spirit of throwing your brother under the bus, this exchange took place:


Bug: "Bear said the "c" word today."
Me: "You know tattling is not o....WAIT, he said wha?? What "c" word did you say?"
Bear: .....
Me: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
Bear: (hesitantly) "um, 'crap'...."
Me: (small sigh of relief) "Well. Hm. That's not nice for kids to say. So, uh, don't say that."
Bug: "What? 'Crap'?"

And this is why I only have two kids now....

**Also? You find yourself writing ridiculous run-on sentences that will probably make you cringe once you take the time to actually LOOK at what you've written. AND THEN, you begin to wonder why you are writing in second-person since that seems awfully affected but you can't seem to find a way to stop, so you just keep typing until you decide that perhaps you should just hit "PUBLISH" already and get your butt to bed. Or not.

Phrases I rarely use in conversation with adults....It's been a while...

It has been ages since I chronicled the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth while parenting. There are things that I never even imagined I would say. If you're feeling nostalgic, you can look waaaay back here to see other times I have pondered the utterings of a befuddled mom...

• Stop throwing dirt in the air.
• And no throwing rocks at people.
• Play knights with your Nerf swords, not these sticks...that have nails in them. Sweet Fancy Moses, where did those even come from??
• No, you do not need a spear.
• You're fine. I don't have time to go to the ER today.
• And don't bleed on my couch. (True story, I actually said that. SugarPlum about peed her pants.)
• The tooth fairy doesn't want filthy teeth, so you'd better hope you brush well before that thing falls out.
• Get dressed.
• Get dressed.
• For the love of little green apples, GET. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON.
• I WILL take you to school in your pajamas. Wanna try me?**
• Cleaning your room includes all around the edges AND in your closet AND under your bed AND the top of your dresser. It does not mean clearing a space beneath your ceiling fan.
• If you pull all the leaves off that shrub, you'll have to buy me a new one.
• Please don't break my house.
• When was the last time someone flushed this toilet?? It smells like Woodstock in here!
• If you keep screaming like that the neighbors are going to think that someone has been mortally wounded and call the police.
• Cool Whip is not a "healthy snack."
• Oh, ew. I think it's time you started wearing deodorant.
• When I call your name, you get your butt in here, immediately. You do not simply shout "Yeah?"
• What is so hard to understand about bedtime? PJs, potty, brush your teeth, dirty clothes to the washing machine. That's how it's been since you could walk. Are you new here??
• "In the washing machine" means just that. Not somewhere in the approximate vicinity of the laundry room.
• I know that you have heard Mommy say that word, but it is a word that is only okay for grown-ups to use. If you say that at school, you'll get detention.
• No spitting water all over the shower.
• How can you have been in the shower for 25 minutes and your hair is not even wet? But the light fixture is?
• OUCH! *&^$ing Legos. (See above: words only grown-ups can use)
• Don't sit on the dog.
• Don't lasso the dog.
• Leave the poor dogs alone already.
• If you screw up SugarPlum's math project on the computer, I will let her beat you.
• Everybody to the bathroom before we leave!
• GAH! I told you to go to the bathroom before we left!
• Why are you not wearing shoes? Which part of "going to the grocery store" did you not understand?
• No, we are not going to McDonalds.
• No we are not going to Taco Bell.
• No, we are not going to El Chico.
• WE ARE EATING AT HOME, we have groceries IN. THE. CAR. RIGHT NOW!
• How much does your Mommy love you? More than anything in the whole wide world.
• You little heathen.

**One day Bug piddled around and couldn't find two matching shoes. So he wore the right shoe of one pair and the left shoe of another. He's never had trouble finding his shoes since....

Whole lotta crap nobody cares about

1. Do you like blue cheese?
nope. but I like Gorgonzola, so figure that one out

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Um, no. Mary, do you have something to tell us?

3. Do you own a gun?
nope

4. Your favorite song?
Suite Judy Blue Eyes, Crosby, Stills, & Nash

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Depends on the Dr.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I try not to think of them or I get squicked out

7. Favorite Christmas song?
Angels We Have Heard on High

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Tea - PG Tips!

9.Can you do push ups?
Not if I don't absolutely have to

10. Favorite exercise?
jumping to conclusions; running off at the mouth

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
my wedding ring

12. Favorite hobby?
napping

13. Last place you ate?
Kitchen table

14. Do you have A.D.D?
No of course not.....Look! Something shiny!

15. What one trait do you hate about yourself?
Procrastination

16. Middle Name?
Sexy is my middle name, BABY

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment...
I should really go to bed
I wonder if I have any new email
Why am I still awake?

18. Name 3 Shows you watched yesterday...
Fetch with Ruff Ruffman
MythBusters

America's Next Top Model

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink...
Tea, Milk, Water

20. Current worry right now?
sanity

21. Current hate right now?
Paris Hilton - GO AWAY

22. Favorite place to be?
the beach

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
BUNCO!

24. Where would you like to go?
Colorado to see Hula, NC to see Mary, VA to see the Queen

25. Name three people who will complete this list?
probably nobody

26. Do you own slippers?
yep, rarely wear them

27. What shirt are you wearing?
My cousin's HS Basketball team shirt

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
too slippery

29. Can you whistle?
Yes

30. Favorite color(s)?
blue, yellow

31. Would you be a pirate?
not if I could help it

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
none

33. Favorite girl's name?
JOY

34. Favorite boy's name?
Hmmmm, Sawyer?

35. What's in your pocket right now?
no pockets

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
SugarBug

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Raggedy Ann & Andy

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Whiplash after a car accident in HS

39. Do you love where you live?
Yes, very much

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

41. Who is your loudest friend?
AR

42. How many dogs do you have?
two

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
You're funny

44. Favorite TV show?
NYPD Blue. Current show? Project Runway

45. What is your favorite book?
To Kill a Mockingbird

46. What is your favorite candy?
Aero bar

47. Favorite Sports Team?
Whatever team my kid is on

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Why, do you know something I don't?

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
sleeping

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Damn, again?

It's the most Stressful Wonderful Time of the Year

How does this happen every year? How is it that I plan, VOW, from Dec 26, I will get my Christmas presents bought little by little over the year? And then, every year, it is suddenly the week of Thanksgiving and I realize that, CRAP! I haven't been buying presents!! I've been making mental lists of all of the cool things that I plan to get my loved ones for Christmas. And I have been mentally paring that list down as I realize that all those trips to all those out-of-town soccer games have left our finances a leeetle tighter than they were last year. Note to SugarPlum: Surprise! Your Christmas present is that you get to play soccer. That is the most freaking expensive present that anyone in our family is getting - by far.


I actually do have a couple of gifts already. There's the huge Lego set for the boys that I found on clearance at WalMart in July. The miracle there is that a) I remember, four months later, that I bought it; and b) that I remember, four months later, where I put it! Yay me! I also managed to nab a couple of gifts at a recent holiday bazaar that we went to, but that was totally happenstance.

As for that mental list, I had every intention of making those purchases well before, well, NOW, because I hate, hate, hate shopping at Christmas. People are so ugly and mean when they are Christmas shopping. And that makes me sad....and pissy. So, I've decided that I am going to make most of my purchases online. This wears me out because I am always determined to find the best of what I am looking for: best telescope, best video mp3 player, best (gift that I am getting for SugarDaddy). So, I go to several different sites to read reviews and then to compare prices. Then, inevitably, my short attention span gets the best of me & I forget where I found the best buy and have to start over. It's almost as exhausting as getting out and actually physically shopping. Only without the rude people.

THEN I found Shop.com. And this place rocks. I know that there are lots of comparison shopping sites. But those always end up frustrating me. Shop.com is designed for women. Don't ask me how, it just makes more sense to me. I like it. I can find what I want and, regardless of which store I am buying from, it all goes into one cart and gets paid for at once. No forgetting where I found the good buys!

Mom Central describes it thusly:

Shop.com is a comparison shopping site specifically designed for women that allows you to shop from over 2,000 merchants all in one place. Purchases can be conveniently made using one universal "shopping cart" to buy everything at one time or by clicking over to participating merchants' sites.

SHOP.COM gives busy moms an opportunity to ease the stress of holiday shopping with tools to help us figure out what to buy, find recommendations, and pinpoint which stores have the best price. With a combined total of over 20 million products, we can stop running from store to store to find the best deal or the perfect gift for the impossible-to-shop-for relative.

Additionally, SHOP.COM provides expert advice, shopping tips, and articles, while giving easy ways to save money via price comparison tools, coupons, and rebates.

See? Cool. And stress reducing. I am SO using this site this year. It'll save me a ton of money on Xanax alone!!


Happy Shopping!

Yes, indeed, I have lost my ever lovin' mind

For some reason, that I still cannot understand, I signed up for NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month. (See badge in sidebar) This means that I pledged to post each and every day in November. Because I have been so consistent about posting in the past year and a half or so. Yeah.

I haven't even managed to post every WEEK, much less every day. Maybe this is my subconscious way of getting me back into the swing of things. I suspect that it is simply my subconscious fucking with me. Bastard.

So, do you think I can do it? I have no idea. It's worth a shot.

Wanna help? Since I am needing blog material, I am actually encouraging you to ask me questions. You know, everything you ever wanted to know about Sugar Mommy but were afraid to ask.

Be nice.

Some days you're the doorknob, some days you're the Giant F'ing Gorilla

Last night, I was the gorilla. And this doorknob pissed. me. off.



Yesterday was crazy. An absolute clusterfuck of activities. Totally exacerbated by the fact that SD was night flying and was therefore unavailable for transporting SugarBabies about town. He's so selfish. Working and all. So, the schedule was this:

3:30 Parent/Teacher conference
4:00-6:00: SP's soccer practice
6:00-7:00: Bug's soccer practice
6:30-??? Bear's Boy Scout meeting

Allegedly.

So, I bust my ass getting back from the conference to get SP to soccer practice on time. And we made it! But? Nobody was there. Because practice actually started at 4:30. No worries. We hung out for a few minutes and some people showed up. I remembered that I hadn't grabbed Bear's Cub Scout uniform, so I ran back home to fetch it and then came back. (Remember this...this is key) We hang out at practice and by 6:00, I needed to go pee. I mean REALLY needed to. And there is no bathroom at the practice field. So, as soon as SP is dismissed from practice, we hightail it to McDonalds, so that I can potty and so that we can get some food.

If you paid any attention to that schedule up there, it required that I be in two places at once. I'm good....but not cloned yet. Bug's practice got ditched. He's four. He'll get over it.

SO. We eat our crappy fast food on our way to the scout meeting - Bear still hasn't changed clothes. We get to the church right at 6:30! Wooo hoooo!! But wait! There's no one here. Not a soul. The doors are locked. the lights are out. CRAP.

Actually, not all that disappointed. I was ready to go home and chill. So, we head to the casa and everyone unloads their crap I go to unlock the deadbolt and discover that someone has locked the doorknob. I don't have a key to the doorknob. SD is flying. Crap.

So, I try hitting the door with my shoulder like the cops on TV do. Guess what. That shit hurts. Also, it doesn't work. So, I try to jimmy the lock with a credit card. That doesn't work either. Last resort? I start whacking the holy hell out of the doorknob with a hammer until it opens. It was actually pretty cathartic. Though, poor SD got home and thought that someone had tried to break into the house.

I'm such a badass.

I'm feeling like the gorilla....you know who you are

Also...I need some help. After blogging for over two years now, my archives in the sidebar are taking up a ridiculous amount of room. Can anyone tell me how to make them into a drop down menu that doesn't take up so much dang space over there. It's getting on my nerves. I'm afraid I may go "gorilla" on someone soon because of it.

One thing that may make a difference: My template is old. Very old. Almost as old as the blog. But I still love it. SO the nifty little fixes that you can do on the NEW blogger templates don't work in "classic" templates. (I'm like an oldies station. And nearly as stale! If I start streaming The Eagles' "Witchy Woman" just do us all a favor put a cap in my ass.)

This post is for Peaches...

...who is tired of seeing the book review that has been up for a week now.


I have about fourteen blog posts in my head about various things that I can't seem to form into actual coherent posts. So, you are getting a list of sorts of the randomness that is my life. Otherwise, I have no idea when I will sit down and do this again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School started Monday. With as much bitching as I have done about the children driving me crazy and how in the hell could they have pushed school back two weeks, I was surprised to find myself feeling a little sad Sunday night. I really do enjoy my kids. Except of course when they are beating the crap out of each other. Or whining. Or waking me up at five o'clock in the morning for no reason.

SugarPlum and Bear both looked so grown up Monday morning! While I was a little sentimental seeing them, I was stunned when SD had to leave the room so overcome was he by the appearance of our oldest two. My sweet, marshmallow husband was brought to tears!

As expected, SP loves the fifth grade and the fifth grade seems to love her, so far. She has some good friends in her class, though not the child with the batshit crazy momma (whom I have decided not to expand on here because the woman really is mentally ill and it seems cruel and in bad taste to pick on her. If things get out of hand, however I reserve the right to rant about her!) She is really looking forward to being able to do PE again after missing the last six weeks of it last year after the broken collar bone.





I was a little apprehensive about Bear going into first grade. Mrs. Kindergarten had both of us worried about how Bear would do in first grade. Fortunately, Mrs. Firstgrade seems to love our Bear and said that, so far, he has been very well behaved and that he has done really well on his work. He got a 100/A+ on the first paper he did!! I like her so much. Honestly, it was all I could do not to hop in the car, drive over to Candyland Early Childhood Center, stick out my tongue, and say "Nyah Nyah Nyah!" to Mrs. Kindergarten. But, as I AM trying to set a good example, I chose to just walk around with a look of smug satisfaction on my face. And, of course praise Bear lavishly. Isn't he adorable?!

Bug, on the other hand is pissed. His school doesn't start until next week. And he doesn't understand WHY?!! Personally, things would have been much easier this week if he had been in school. I have about eleventeen appointments and other things to do. But we're managing.

Bug had a cavity in one of his molars a few weeks ago. He has something called hypoplastic enamel on a few of his molars (SugarPlum has it on her permanent molars - joy). So, Tuesday he went in to have a silver crown put on that molar to save him from further decay on that tooth. We decided to make it a cool thing for him to get a "silver tooth." Gray Gray told him that he would be like a pirate, which was just about the most awesome thing he had heard in a long time! He did pretty well. He was mostly mad that morning because he had to be NPO after midnight. That really wasn't a big deal in his mind until he woke up and he was hungry! Then he decided that perhaps we should do another day. Too bad for him. He looks cool now though. And he has told everyone he sees that he has a silver tooth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well! Look at that! I guess I did have enough for a blog post. So I guess that now you will have to wait to hear all of the other exciting stuff that has been going on. Like how I had another freaking car accident. Yes, really. WTF is wrong with me?

And how we had a bunch of people over here for a party after SD rode in a bike race that morning and I was suffering from PTSD after that accident the day before.

And how, even though she doesn't want to play on a competitive soccer team, SugarPlum is traveling without us to a tournament as a guest player on the club team that is pursuing her. This should be interesting...

Blog Tour: The 24-Hour Pharmacist

You all know what a Google-chondriac I am. My struggle with migraine headaches, thyroid problems and depression is well documented here. Neither have I been shy about sharing my dismay at my fatigue and my ever-expanding ass. SD often teases me about my ardor for drugs, both prescription and OTC. The up side of this is that I really do research the medicines I take or consider taking or giving to my family. As such, I am considered by some of my friends as the "go-to" person for advice on many medical issues. I also have a very good friend, Mike, who has a PhD in Pharmacy and often call him when I have questions about pharmaceutical options.

When I found out from Mother Talk that I was going to get to review The 24-Hour Pharmacist by Suzy Cohen, R.Ph., I was very excited. Maybe this would give Mike a break from my weekly phone calls! When I opened the book, it wasn't what I expected. I'm not sure WHAT I expected, to tell you the truth. But what I found was even better than what I thought I would get in this book. Although if I would have just gone back and read the description that they gave me initially, perhaps I would have had a clue. (Having a clue is often an issue for me as regulars here can attest.)

"As a pharmacist for almost two decades, Suzy Cohen knows that medication can often be invaluable. But she has also learned to "think outside the pill" and recommend natural options that are often just as good or better at promoting health without the risk of dangerous, drug-induced side effects. In this comprehensive, one-of-a-kind resource, she answers such questions as: How can I stop my husband/wife from snoring? Are vitamin pills worth it or worthless? Are there alternatives to antidepressants? What kind of surge protection is there for hot flashes? How can I train my body to lose fat?"

Suzy Cohen is the author of the syndicated column Dear Pharmacist. A column I knew nothing about until now, but it may well become one of my favorites.

Like her column, The 24-Hour Pharmacist is just chock full of common sense. (Incidentally, another thing I seem to be deficient in many days) I suppose that I thought that the book would hold descriptions of different kinds of drugs, their uses and side effects. Instead it is actually a book that addresses the actual reasons behind common complaints such as depression, fatigue, lack of libido, and thyroid problems, among many. She explains, in a way that makes you say "Oooohhhh! Yeah!," how imbalances in certain nutrients and enzymes can lead to these medical problems and gives advice on how to go to the root of the problem and correct these imbalances.

One of the things that I found most interesting is that she identifies so-called "drug muggers," medicines that strip your cells of necessary nutrients and throw your body out of balance causing many common complaints and exacerbating existing conditions. She offers advice on how you can change your diet and add natural supplements in order to perhaps wean yourself off of some drugs AND what nutrients and dietary changes can counter-balance the drug-mugging effects of medications that you simply cannot stop taking. I was particularly interested in the suggestions to prevent and treat migraine headaches, as well as explanations of possible causes of them.

Cohen addresses all of this with a great sense of humor, which makes the book an enjoyable read. Girlfriend is one phunny pharmacist! Thus I read through the sections such as erectile dysfunction simply because I wanted to see what she had to say. She titles one section Viagra Excites Investors, Makes Profits Rise. Heh. I loves me a good double entendre. However, I must say that there was something that applied to my life in some way in almost every chapter.

Throughout the book, Cohen encourages readers to "think outside the pill." She also makes it clear throughout that nobody should stop taking any medications without first consulting his/her doctor. She also encourages readers to consult a doctor before trying some of the "natural" treatments. She gives many options for treatments for the conditions discussed and offers advice as to what order to try the remedies in as well as who should or shouldn't try certain ones. For example, did you know that id you aren't zinc deficient, that if you swab liquid zinc in your mouth, it will taste bitter and nasty. Other levels of nutrients and hormones aren't quite so easy to assess and Cohen recommends several labs who will test those levels for you without having to go through your doctor.

I am looking forward to going to the health food store and trying some of the remedies that Suzy Cohen suggested. Especially the ones for migraine and fatigue. Although, think that maybe she can help my inability to catch a clue as well, in the section where she addresses "brain fog." I can wholeheartedly recommend this book to all my fellow hypochondriacs. I'm certain that you will enjoy it as much as I have!

Like weeds

I have come to an important decision. I am no longer going to be buying the fresh fruits and vegetable, lean meats, organic yogurt, milk, orange juice and all of the other healthy foods that I have been purchasing all these years. I just can't afford it. From now on, it's Pop Tarts, chips, sodas, coffee, and lots of over-processed foods.

What?

I know that those foods cost as much or more than the fresh, healthy stuff. It's not the food that I can't afford. It's the clothes and shoes that are bleeding me dry. These children are growing at a ridiculous rate. SugarPlum has shot up two pant sizes since school started. And two shoe sizes as well. Every day, when she gets dressed, I dread the conversation that will inevitably ensue about her pants being too short. Seriously. Two inches above her ankles. And she gets mad at me as if I somehow shrunk the pants. This happens with Bear as well, only he doesn't care as much and pretty much wears what I tell him to. Gotta love five year olds. And boys.

And the shoes. You should see the feet on these kids. If we ever move to Colorado, we'll save a bundle on skis. I bought them both new sneakers in August, just before school started. Good quality, name brand (not cheap!) sneakers. Because, I knew that they would likely last all school year without coming apart. But they barely had time to get dirty. By October, they both needed new sneakers. Bear came to me and said that his shoes were coming unsewn at the top. I was MAD. Those were N*kes, dangit. They weren't supposed to come apart in two months. Then I looked at and felt his foot in the shoe. They were coming apart because his toes were poking through the top, they were so small. Ouch. SugarPlum outgrew hers about three weeks later. So much for the BOGO at Shoe Carnival. Couldn't those two have coordinated this?

I have begged, pleaded, insisted, and ordered them to stop growing already. They refuse to comply. They go on eating all of that healthy food and growing taller before my eyes. And it must stop.

Thus, no more health foods. I must staunch this growth before we have to file for bankruptcy. So, from now on, its Froot Loops & Koolaid for breakfast; bologna sandwiches (on white bread! *gasp*), chips and soda for lunch; and pizza bites with CheezWhiz for supper. Snacks will be brought to you by Little Debbie and Dolly Madison. Mommy, can I have a banana? No, here, eat a twinkie. Coffee and sodas will be available at all times.

I may even teach them to smoke.

That ought to do it.

I'm exhausted just typing this **UPDATED**

So....HonestyRain posted this weekend about how her family has started eating healthier and included the planned menu for the week. And let me just say that if I could get to Canada every night, I would totally be eating at her house. Except for the vegetarian meatloaf. Because that is just wrong.

I got to thinking about how crazy our eating habits have become over the past few months. I have always been a mommy who cooks healthy. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. Except that I don't cook lowfat. Because, yuck. But we almost always have a protein (or "crotein" as Bug says) and at least one vegetable. And I try not to be too carb heavy - if we have potatoes or rice, the kids are often disappointed that we don't have rolls. And I really don't ever fry stuff. Mostly because I don't want to have to clean up that mess, but also because greasy stuff makes me gag. (That said, I AM a Texas girl, and so I do make Chicken Fried Steak every so often. I am required to by law.)

Lately though, things have slipped a little. I am probably still pretty healthy by many people's standards, but not my own. We have eaten more fast food than I would like to admit. And we have even had cereal for supper more than once in the past few weeks. I'm not proud.

As I was reading HonestyRain's post, I got to thinking that maybe I should do a better job of planning our meals. Then I thought about our schedule for the next few weeks and realized that I don't even know when we are going to eat supper. Let alone what I am going to fix.

Until the end of the month, both Bear and SugarPlum will have basketball AND soccer practice. In addition, I am going to start a yoga/Pilates class at our church. (Aren't you proud Peaches?) As a result, our schedule looks like this: (edited Monday evening)
Monday: Bear - soccer 5:30 - 6:30 Bear's soccer practice got moved to Sunday afternoons at 2:00!! Now we can eat supper before b-ball practice. YAY!SP - basketball 6:00 - 7:15

Tuesday: SP - soccer 5:30 - 6:45 (or so)
Bear - B-ball 5:30 -6:30
Mommy - Yoga/Pilates 5:30 - 6:30

Wednesday: Church supper 5:00
All three - children's choir 5:30-6:30
Wednesdays are fantastic, because supper is taken care of and the kids are occupied...by someone else!
Thursday: SP - soccer 5:30 - 6:45
Bear - soccer 5:30 - 6:30 5:00 - 6:00, the coach has agreed to drop him off at the church if he's done before my class is over!Mommy - Yoga/Pilates 5:30 - 6:30

Friday NOTHING!!! Gray Gray & Gram coming.

**1. No, the soccer practices are NOT at the same places. 2. The b-ball practices are at the church, same as the yoga/Pilates and they have childcare, so at least there's that.

Since my boys reeeeeeaaaallly need to be in bed by 7:30, I ask you, When in the hell are we supposed to eat? I am guessing that we will be eating at like 4:30 and having some sort of snack before bed. That, or we are back to picnicking at practices!

But really, do you know what I think I really need? (Other than a refill on my Xanax) A driver. And/or a chef. And/or a nanny. No, no, no. What I need? is a wife.

How many times...

....does this have to happen before I learn????


For crying out loud.

Must fold now.

Lucky to be alive, that child

Sometimes there are days that I love and adore my children. Okay, I always love my children, but I do not always adore them. Sometimes I am amazed at how well behaved, considerate and thoughtful they can be. Then there are the other times. We have had many "what the fuck?!" moments around here lately. But Sunday night. *sigh* Sunday night....well it was the crowning "what the fuck" moment of the year thus far.

Bug had been quite the little shit all weekend. He had been pushing the limits. Seriously. Dumping the clothes out of the dresser, refusing to go potty (that's a whole other entry), defiance. But then he would be all sweet and cuddly and make me love him again. Those toddlers, they're crafty.

After Gray Gray & Gram left Sunday afternoon, he was really on a tear, though. When I called him for supper I noticed that he had little bits of styrofoam all over him. And I do mean all. over. him. WTF? I chastised him appropriately, told him that that styrofoam is NOT a toy, and we had supper. After supper, I was cleaning up the kitchen and Bear came and got me to tell me that Bug had torn up more styrofoam and , oh yeah, "I was fanning it. With my pants." WTF?

I go in the boys' bedroom to see...the blizzard. Seriously. It looked like, well, Denver in there. (sorry, Hula) Bug was naked - except for the nine pairs of underwear he was wearing. WTF???And, the pièce de résistance, he had pulled about half of the freshly folded laundry out of his drawers. Huge pile of pjs, underwear, socks and shirts. Hadn't we just gone over that two days ago? Arrrrggghhhh! I was FURIOUS. (I suppose I could say that I was pissed off, but that would be a terrible pun and so I won't subject you to that.) (heh)

I told them that they had to pick up the chunks of the styrofoam while I refolded the clothes to put back in the drawers. A moment later, Bear tells me, "Uh, Mommy? Bug tee-teed on those clothes. All over them." And yes, they were soaked. What. the. fuck?!? Was it an accident? No. As Bug explains it, the clothes "were on fire" and he was the firefighter putting it out. My hero. This is when I lost it.

WHAT, in the name of Elmo, is wrong with this child?

It was all I could do not to scream at him. (Well, yes, I will admit, I did scream a little.) (Little is a relative term, right?) I then gathered up all of the soiled clothes and took them to the laundry room to rewash them. Because that is my favorite thing EVER to do. I continued to supervise the cleaning up of the styrofoam and berate any boy who stopped to complain. That shit was everywhere, all over their room. And it's a big room. Once the big chunks were picked up, I made them sit on their beds (Bug was n*ked, since I had taken all nine pairs of underwear off in preparation for bedtime) while I vacuumed the teensy tiny static-filled bits up. That took forever, it seemed. And for a child who hates loud noises, that was the most heinous punishment I could come up with.

With the clean up complete, I got both boys ready for bed. Bug wasn't allowed to sit with us for the bedtime story but I did snuggle and rock him while I sang our bedtime songs. I'm not a monster. And they both went to sleep without any protest. I think that they could sense they had pushed me to the very edge.

Not surprisingly, this week has been better. Actually, Bug has been in underwear *dry* all week. The impression of Mommy-on-the-brink seems to have tempered the rebellion somewhat. Don't know how long that will last. For their sake and mine, I hope it will be a while.

Questions for my children.....

The following are some questions to which I realize I will never get the answers. I'll let you figure out which child (or children) I am referring to in each question....

• Why is it so HI-larious every. single. time. to make a pssssssssss sound and gesture like you are peeing?
• Why must you color on at least one wall in each room of our house?
• When, exactly will you start going to the bathroom?
• Will you flush when you do?
• What, exactly, is it about meatloaf that makes you cry?
• Why is it that when one of you is "so hot, I'm gonna die," the other two are "fweezing!?" Or vice/versa.
• Do you really think that someday, I will cave and let you eat candy for breakfast?
• Why do you throw a fit and act like you've been abandoned every time I leave you with your grandparents for a few hours, yet have no issues whatsoever (other than not being able to get rid of me quickly enough) when I leave you with a babysitter? Do you find the subsequent guilt trips Mommy receives from Gram amusing?
• And while we're on that subject...why do you go to bed so much better for the sitter than you EVER do for me?
• How do you know the exact right moment to kiss me and say "I yove you" so as to avoid certain death?
• How did I get so lucky to be blessed with the three smartest, sweetest, most beautiful and well behaved children in the whole world?

Does this ass make my pants look big?

Do you find yourself, each season, wearing a "uniform?" You know, you realize after several weeks into a season that you are wearing that same pair (or two) of pants with everything and find yourself in a quandary when both pairs of said pants (or shirts, or jackets, whatever...work with me) need to be washed. A laundry quandary, as it were.

Please tell me that I am not the only one.

Last winter and Spring, I found myself always reaching for the same pair of stretch denim jeans that I got a JJill when the Queen and I were in DC. If those were in need of washing, then I usually had on this great pair of black velour drawstring pants. Don't look at me like that, the were comfortable. And honestly, they look really good on me. Shut. up.

So, with the recent outrageous expansion of my ass (which I blame on the Girl Scouts), I have been reluctant to wear shorts in public this summer. And trust me, as hot as it has been, that is saying a LOT. I have basically stuck with a pair of stretch denim capris (are you sensing a trend here?) and a pair of black cotton cropped pants that I bought on Land's End the summer after Bear was born. They hang nice and loose and they are quite comfortable. Those black pants are my very, very favorite garment this summer.

When I first got them, as I said, I had just had Bear and thought I was HUGE. However, the truth is, I lost most of my baby weight very quickly and so the pants looked really cute. But I didn't wear them all that much in the intervening years. They looked cute when I did wear them, but I had other uniforms at that time.

THIS summer however, I am left wondering what I was thinking not wearing those pants because why would you NOT wear them with all their cute comfiness?!! (yes, it's a word. let it go) Was I crazy? Oh, yes, I guess I was.

The anxiety I have about them is that I am not so, um, petite as I was when these pants were purchased. And say all you want about how slimming black is, my ass is still ginormous. And those pants just are never going to be the same. I am worried that when I go to put them on next spring that they will be all misshapen and stretched out and look terrible on my once-again-slender frame. (Hush) AND Land's End doesn't make those pants anymore. I don't know WHAT they were thinking. Perhaps they just couldn't keep up with the demand for the comfy black cotton cropped pants and gave up. I'm sure that's it.

I have been looking in my closet, pondering what my winter uniform will be. I realized today, that if my ginormous ass doesn't begin shrinking, and I mean SOON, I will have to purchase some pants that will cover it. And that is an investment that I don't want to make.

My weight-loss mantra: No New Fat Pants!