Meme meme meme..ME!

Any teenager can write a survey about their favorite class or their secret crush or how nice their car is that their parents paid for. This is the survey for the older crowd. (This has been in drafts forever, aren't you excited that I'm sharing?)


1. Do you have a college degree?
Yep. Bachelors in Human Development & Family Studies/Early Childhood - also got my teaching credentials. Yeah, that's right, I've got cred.(My inner teenager just sighed and said "Please don't.") AAANND...in May, I will have my Master's in Counseling (lord willing).

2. What was the amount of your last electric bill?
$73.89...not bad! Don't ask me what it was in August.

3. Do you have life insurance?
Yes, I do. I have no idea how much. Bought it before SugarPlum was born.

4. How many hours per week do you work?
Are we talking about getting PAID to work? Because that would be a big, fat NONE - I'm an intern. I'm getting experience. Now, as for the unpaid labor, I'm a mom & a graduate student. So, I'd say...about 300 hours a week, give or take.

5. Have you ever attended a Toastmasters event?
No. I respect those who do, just not my cuppa.

6. Favorite place to attend Happy Hour?
Oh, please. Did you see the answer to #4? When would I go to Happy Hour? (Okay, occasionally after class, a few of us would go to an Italian restaurant here & get a beer. But that's about as exciting as my life gets.)

7. How many miles is your commute to work each day (one way)?
Haha. Candyland isn't that big a place. It's about 4 miles from my house to the office. And then I drive to various clients homes, schools, daycares, CPS. Good times, my friend.

8. What time do you get up every morning for work?
I get the kids up at about 6:30. If there's no school and I don't have any clients, I drag myself out of bed around noonish.

9. What is your definition of sleeping in late?
When the kids start asking for supper.

10. Do you check your cholesterol on a yearly basis?
Yes, and given the amount of cream and butter and fat I cook with, my numbers are amazingly low. My doctor always compliments me. *blush*

11. How large was your first cellular phone?
HUGE. It was the kind that was corded and you carried it in a bag. Sexy!

12. Does your employer provide good health insurance?
Hmmmmm....well. given that I have no actual employer, no. That was part of the divorce settlement - three years of health insurance. And it doesn't suck, I must admit. However, we are coming up on that three year limit. This is why I MUST get a job as soon as I graduate. Obamacare scares me to death.

13. Did you use the internet to write a research paper?
Only in grad school. In high school & college I had to drag ass to the library and search thru index cards and microfiche and all that crap. Thank you Al Gore for the internets!

14. Have you attended a HS reunion?
I went to my 10 year reunion and had a blast. I planned to attend my 20, even paid the ridiculous amount for the dinner, and then didn't get to go. I'm still bitter. (And slightly horrified, realizing I've been out of high school over 25 years!)

15. How many jobs have you held in your professional career?
Three teaching/tutoring jobs. But I've had this mom gig going for over 17 years.

16 Have you ever been fired or laid off from a job?
Once. We don't talk about that.

17. What is your favorite drink?
Cocktail? I hardly drink anymore because of the headaches. I do appreciate a good martini or margarita. And a Colorado Bulldog makes me very happy. Until the migraine hits, anyway.
Mostly, I drink tea or water. All. day. long.

18. What is the most expensive bottle of wine that you have in your residence?
None. Unless you count the cooking sherry. I LOVE wine, but, again, it's rarely worth the migraine.

19. Have you been divorced?
Yep. We aren't going to talk about that either. You can read my archives or ask me about it if you're just dying to know.

20. How old were you when you stopped getting ID'd for Alcohol?
Years and years and years ago...

21. Favorite casino?
Ugh. Not a fan of casinos. If it's at the beach, then you go do your gambling thing & I'll be sitting under an umbrella, reading a book, & sipping a frozen beverage.

22. Are you happier now than you were in high school?
Hmmmm. I don't know. I am more comfortable in my own skin and have a better idea of who I am. I made some of my very best friends in high school, and I'm still in touch with many of them (even without the help of Facebook!). So I don't want it to sound like high school was a miserable experience for me. But 25 years does give you perspective, doesn't it?

23. Did you ever have Hypercolor shirts?
No, my mom wouldn't ever buy me one. How did those even work? I was always curious.

24. Do you remember when Michael Jackson was black and attracted to older people?
Yes! I thought he was wonderful. Then all of the sudden he was super creeper.

25. Do you remember when MTV actually played music videos?
Yes! I remember the day MTV debuted. It was so great -  The Buggles' "Video Killed the Radio Star". Duran Duran, Journey, Chicago. (I may have just embarrassed myself)

26. Have you had a will made?
Yes, but it was years and years ago. I really need to have a new one done.

27. What music was in your cd / cassette player when you were 16?
The Go-Gos, Journey, Madonna, Tears for Fears, Duran Duran....and, it was definitely a cassette player. I didn't have cds until after I got married. I'm REALLY old, y'all.

28. Favorite fancy / upscale restaurant?
My very favorite restaurant in Candyland just closed. I'm still in mourning.

29. How long has it been since you attended a kegger?
Oh, my. Not in this century, I can assure you.

30. How many major wars have you lived through?
Let's see, I was born while we were still in Viet Nam. Grenada (!), both Gulf Wars, I'm calling the Cold War a valid war, the War on Drugs(?)

31. Where were you when you found out about 9-11?
We were stationed in England. It was  4:30 in the afternoon there and my neighbor came to see if my father-in-law had made it home since he had flown out that morning. I had no idea why he'd be asking. It was terrifying. SD was stuck on base for what seemed like days. We couldn't go anywhere, which was fine because I was too scared to leave our little village. I wrote some about it in my tribute to one of the victims of at the World Trade Center.

The meme that was accidentally posted here the other day was one from several years ago that I had gone back and edited (I KNOW; it's a disease) and when I hit publish, it changed the date. So annoying.

*ahem* Is this thing on???

Evidently, I'm moving toward blogging YEARLY now. I'm quite certain everyone has given up on me now, so I imagine I'm just blogging for my own entertainment. There's a great deal of freedom in that, I suppose. Though I've noticed, every once in a while, someone drops by to see if I'm still alive -- or just accidentally clicks on the wrong link in their google search for their own actual sugar mommy. At least that what it looks like in the analytics. (Sorry to disappoint you accidental visitor. I'm broke and not interested in desperate strangers from foreign countries; you can move along now.) I considered posting another Q&A meme, but that was getting out of hand, so I'll refrain for now.

I suppose what spurred my desire to post again was looking at the old blog here while I was at my mom's house, trying to find my cranberry sauce recipe that I'd forgotten to print. On the same page with the recipe  were posts that had pictures and sweet stories about my babies. My Bug was TWO years old & freaking adorable. Well, to be fair, they were all three adorable. And I'm really regretting not documenting the last few years better. But, it is what it is.

I hope that you, dear reader, had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving this year was okay. Made pies. Made cranberry sauce. Left said cranberry sauce at home. Saw most of the family, except for my sweet cousin who had the audacity to go and get married. Not cool, man. I was able to spend time with my precious, perfect, amazing two-year-old genius nephew, (who on a whim, I've decided to call Sparky here on the blog, for no reason other than that's the first thing that popped into my head). He lights up my life and makes me feel so happy! There's nothing like hearing "Aunt Buffi! You're here!!" We headed home today, ostensibly so that I could write the four papers I have due Tuesday. You see how well that's going.

Speaking of writing papers...I graduate in May! (Nice segue, right?) Yes, I will have a Master's degree in counseling. Yay! And then, I will need to find a job. Piece of cake in this economy, right? Ummm...yeah. Anywhoo...I'm doing my practicum right now & will start my internship in January (which is exactly the same as the prac, only I need more hours). I'm loving what I'm doing now & hope I can find something similar after graduation.

Holy smokes this is the most boring post EVER. I apologize. Clearly, I'm out of practice. I'll try harder. But so far those promises have not panned out well. If it's your first time here, read my older posts. I was full of all kinds of funny. Though I'm still bitter that all of my comments have disappeared since Haloscan bit the dust. Regardless, I'm awfully proud of my little blog here. Maybe I can revive it now that I'm almost done with all of that sill school crap. *fingers crossed* My kids are still the absolute funniest people in the universe, so I really should keep documenting their stuff, though they get a little pissy about the embarrassing stuff, so you might have to ask nicely. :)

This again?

My new therapist seems to be of the opinion that I need to journal more. When he asked if I had ever journaled, I told him about my blog & that I don't write nearly as much as I used to. I suppose there are several reasons why I don't write here much any more. I'm sure Facebook plays a large role in this. I am now able to express those passing thoughts in short bursts on my FB page rather than forming an entire post around what's going on. This is probably good & bad. I'm thinking that maybe I should give myself time to process my thoughts a little more. The instant feedback of Facebook is very satisfying.

Also, my kids are getting older and don't necessarily appreciate having stories about them broadcast to the whole internet. To be fair, though, at this point probably fewer people would see stuff on the blog than do on FB at this point. It's not like I get 300-500 hits a day like I did a few years ago when I wrote regularly. I was featured in the Best of Blogs book one year, for crying out loud! (I think it was 2005.) I'm still sad that Haloscan disappeared & took my comments with it. There was so much in those comments - humor, relationships, encouragement - that is just gone now. I had posts with over 100 comments. This just looks like a sad, sad blog that nobody's ever read now.

It's not really that I don't have the time. I mean, I am in grad school right now, but I still spend a stupid amount of time on the internet that could be spent writing. I mean, if I'm going to be on the computer anyway, I could at least write. Or, you know, I could do laundry or de-clutter my house, or study, or exercise, or something productive, but who wants THAT? How silly.

Something needs to change though. I have this great place, I should take advantage of it. Whether anyone reads or not is beside the point. I need to do this for me. I'll try to bring the funny, but I think it may take a bit to get back in the groove. I am going to try to write at least a little something several days a week, just to get back in the swing of things. Of course, looking back, I've said all this before, more than once even, so time will tell, I suppose....

Feel free to hold me accountable!

Like 50 Shades of Gray, but without the sex, or all the people reading it....

I haven't written anything in a ridiculous amount of time and now I'm posting a meme?? I know, right? But I can't figure out how to get started again, so maybe this will get the ball rolling. Maybe not. Who knows. Anyway, here we go....

(Stolen from Lauren at Filing Jointly, Finally)

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Much like a fifth grade girl, I have many "best friends." The Queen's mom's name is Patricia (I think). Elizabeth's mom's name is Susan. As for CRB (my oldest friend - meaning, we have known each other since jr. high), we don't say her mom's name out loud for fear of conjuring the old biddy up. She's like Voldemort...in more ways than you would believe.

Imagine this, with lipstick

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  I'm ridiculously fair skinned & have blazillions of moles all over. My grandmother told me that's where the angels kissed me. I have a strange one right next to my nose that looks like a giant zit. I had one on my belly for a long time, but the dermatologist decided that it looked funny & cut it out one day at an appointment. No time to prepare, no time for a Xanax, just "That looks ominous, we should get it cut out & off to pathology." BOOM. It was fine. No cancer.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? Hmmm, there was a coach in junior high who looked just like Magnum, PI. Golly, he was hot. I can't remember his name though. Wonder if he still looks like Tom Selleck. Because Tom is totally on my list.

Only they made Coach Hottie wear a shirt at school. Bastards.

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Why? What have you heard?

5. What body part do you wash first?  Face. If I don't wash it first, I forget & then I end up with facial scrub in my hair at the end of my shower. I'm a genius that way.

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? I really don't have the leg muscles anymore to "hover." If it is especially gross, I will do my best, but if I can, I'll just hold it. Oh, the joys of getting old.

7. What's the strangest talent you have? In spite of the fact that my leg muscles are weak, I am ridiculously flexible. I don't know if it has to do with all of those years of ballet or just that almost all of my joints hyper-extend, but I am like one of those bendy-dolls. I'm not as flexible as when I was younger. I used to be able to slide my foot all the way up the wall & bring my nose to my knee. 

Also, I can crack almost all of my joints. People in class love that.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie, but I've had so many surgeries that it's not quite as "in" as it used to be. Also there are surgical scars all around it. SEXY!

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? You know, I haven't eaten Pringles in a long time. Not since I found out that they are mostly NOT potato. But the plain ones were always my favorite back when I was naive and skinny and could eat whatever I wanted.

10. Have you ever been tied up? Um, no. Not as far as you know.

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? Well, since I'm old, I have no idea about the LAST thing I got grounded for. Probably smarting off to my mom. The last one I remember clearly was the week before I turned 16. My grandparents had bought me a car (nothing fancy...it was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It was HUGE. BUT, this was the mid-80s, so it's not like it was that old). ANYWAY...it was summer and it was Texas and it was HOT, so I decided that instead of walking the three blocks to the swimming pool, I would drive there. You know, I'd get home long before my mom got home from work and no one would be the wiser. Of course, my mom came home from work EARLY and showed up at the pool pissed off and I was grounded for like, a month. Way to celebrate, right?

It was just like this only red.

12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? Oh, I can't parallel park to save my life. I just drive around and around until I find a space I can pull into. That's why I leave for class early. SugarPlum is learning to drive right now (I KNOW, RIGHT?) and I told her she'd better get her Daddy to teach her to parallel park while she's up there with him. That man could parallel park a Mac truck. It's ridiculous.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, I'm not that cool. Or slutty.

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  In person or on the internet?

15. Which shoe do you put on first? Whichever one I find first.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  I have been to a drag show. Does that count?

18. Girls   rule, boys drool. 

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Ummm, me?

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? What kind of a slut do you think I am? Don't answer that.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.  (to borrow from Lauren) "Cow-tipping is mean.  How would you like if if you were just sleeping in your own bed and then suddenly you woke up on the floor with a couple of drunk cows hovering over you, mooing in amusement.   You would feel fucking scared right?"

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?  Usually one of my kids. Depends on whether anyone has wet the bed.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? My sophomore year of high school, this boy named Charles wanted to ask me to homecoming, but he was nervous. So, like a day or two before, he finally handed me a note with this poem written on it asking me. I don't have it any more, but I remember that it started, "Roses are red, Grass is green, I am a coward and you are a queen..." I had SO MUCH fun at homecoming with him that year. We stayed good friends until we graduated. I sure wish I could find him. Anyone from Candyland HS know whatever happened to Charles Green?

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? EW. How gross are you?

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? My parents' bedroom still has the original 1970's green shag carpet. That's mighty questionable if you ask me. Also? Nasty.

26. What was your childhood nickname? My mom's side of the family (being from West Texas & Oklahoma) all have double names - Tommy Ray, Lena Faye, Katie Beth, Bessie Jean, you get the picture. My name is very long and has lots and lots of syllables. So most of my life, I was called Buffi Lou. Also, my daddy still calls me "Pete" and 2D Bug. I have no idea why.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I might do that when I'm goofing around with the boys. I remember these guys in college whose house we would go hang out at on the weekends, we called it "The Homestead." As it would get later, when certain songs came on they would hold their hands & arms like they were playing guitar right against their chests. They called it playing "titty guitar."

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? Oh, my no. Have you SMELLED a men's locker room? I can barely stand to walk by.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  I have three kids. I cannot think of all the weird things I've done while driving. Administered spelling test? Changed clothes? I don't know. I may have to come back to this one.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? Mine? No. 

31. How do you eat your cookie? Out of the vicinity of the children, lest I have to share.

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? HAaahaa!! "When working out at the gym?!" That's the funniest assumption I've heard all day. 

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I don't know. I'm pretty shameless. 

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I really don't get drunk anymore because the hangovers last for DAYS. Although, if you ask my cousin, a bottle of mojitos will definitely kick my ass, no matter how thick that glass is. (totally inside joke that only one person is going to get, sorry)

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? ::sigh:: Not on purpose.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every time I see the Q-Tips. It's a weird compulsion.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Really?

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  Ew. Haven't counted. Don't plan to.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? I really hate crowds. I don't know that it's a phobia, but it's definitely an aversion. Also, I sometimes have to take a Xanax before I can go into WalMart. True story.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Mmmm...not that I can remember.

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Early in my marriage to SD, we were at the Officers' Club one night and I decided that I could out-drink a couple of the guys in his squadron. Two pitchers of beer later, it got ugly. We'll leave it at that.

4. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  See above: two pitchers of beer.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Nope. Never.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? Well, yes. Because I date human beings, not robots. 

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Oh, my. No.

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? I think probably in college there were a couple of mornings where I showed up to sell shoes still a little tipsy. I'm not proud to admit that.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? Didn't Justin Timberlake do that a few years ago? Yes. Yes, he did.

Fun with tags...

I know, it's been a long time. Oh well. This is cool though. I made this tag cloud on a site called Tagxedo.com VERY FUN to do! I may frame it. Hee hee!

The "C" Word ( among others)

So much - too much - has happened over the past year or so. Much that I cannot (or rather choose not) to make too terribly public. Although there are people in my life *ahem* who would beg to differ about that last point, but I won't go into that either. Suffice to say, I have no desire to make this into another navel-gazing post about why I haven't posted. Or maybe that's exactly what I'm about to do. Who can tell?

It's funny when you have a blog that was at one time very frequently updated because then as your life gets to a point where you aren't blogging for whatever reason, you feel that you must explain why it is you've been absent. Only, you really don't want to explain, so you put off writing for even longer and it turns into a vicious cycle and suddenly, you find that you are blogging seasonally at best.** So, I'll leave it at this: We are all good. I hope that you both all had a lovely Thanksgiving, a fabulously blessed & joyful Christmas and that the New Year brings all the happiness in the world.

That should hold me till at least March, right? (Also, SugarPlum turns 15 next week. FIFTEEN. Oh. Em. Gee. Who let that happen?)


Now, I shall share a little story that sums up my life quite nicely these days. It takes place in the van yesterday after we dropped SP off at a friend's house. The boys were doing their "annoy the crap out of Mommy" thing and coming very close to making my head explode. I said something about them needing to take it down a notch or there would be unpleasant consequences. In the spirit of throwing your brother under the bus, this exchange took place:


Bug: "Bear said the "c" word today."
Me: "You know tattling is not o....WAIT, he said wha?? What "c" word did you say?"
Bear: .....
Me: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
Bear: (hesitantly) "um, 'crap'...."
Me: (small sigh of relief) "Well. Hm. That's not nice for kids to say. So, uh, don't say that."
Bug: "What? 'Crap'?"

And this is why I only have two kids now....

**Also? You find yourself writing ridiculous run-on sentences that will probably make you cringe once you take the time to actually LOOK at what you've written. AND THEN, you begin to wonder why you are writing in second-person since that seems awfully affected but you can't seem to find a way to stop, so you just keep typing until you decide that perhaps you should just hit "PUBLISH" already and get your butt to bed. Or not.

Sorry about the lack of posting again, but....

You know what I hate? I hate being unable to post and share what is going on with me and my kids and all of the funny, joyful, irritating, crazy, LIFE around here. And WHY am I unable to post? Because of the possibility that every word I type can be used against me (and probably is). And I hate that. It makes me angry. Because it shouldn't be that way. But evidently it is. So, sorry, all three people who still read around here. Just thought I'd give you an explanation.

As it is, everyone is healthy. Everyone is happy. It is summer, so everyone is whiny - especially me since I'm working my tail off in school, trying to get this MA done as quickly as possible AND spend time with my kiddos, because they are growing up so fast. I'll fill you in someday. I hope. Comments will be turned off on this post. Email or call me if you want to offer encouragement. I love you guys.

All Hell Breaking Loose....

Okay I know I said "next weekend" or something like that. But I've been a little busy. You know. Life and kids and stuff. But I'll make like Paul Harvey and give you the rest of the story now....(I'm sure that this is full of all sorts of mistakes and grammatical errors that I will compulsively go back & fix later, but I'm going to bed now...) PART 1 click here

So, yes my instructions when I left the hospital after having the baby factory removed and almost bleeding to death were simply to rest and to go to the ER if I started running a fever. Well, I wasn't sure how long those instructions were for. Because, I went home on Sunday. On Tuesday or Wednesday (it's all a little fuzzy), I started running a very low grade fever. I SO did not want to go to the ER. But after some prodding and close to downright shouting from my mom & FB friends, I did phone the GYN on call and she said to take some Tylenol, that I probably had a UTI and to call my regular dr in the morning, which I did. He sent me to pee in a cup & put me on antibiotic which did NOT agree with my digestive system. I kept having the fever but just took Tylenol. The lab results came back I and I did NOT have a UTI and since the antibiotics were making me sick and unable to eat, the dr said I could stop taking them. This was Friday, I think.

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Like I said before the kids got to spend time with their dad. My uncle and cousin came by for a visit, I got out and walked a bit (per doctor's orders)....things were okay. Mom was even contemplating going home. My tummy was still a little upset, so Mom thought she'd stay at least one more night & get the kids off to school. Sunday evening, my stomach was really bothering me. ***Here's where you need to stop reading if you have a delicate constitution*** I felt really gassy & couldn't seem to go to the bathroom. I went for a walk and the stomach cramps about overtook me. I made it back into the house and to the bathroom in time to toss everything I had eaten that evening. And then everything I had eaten that week. I was doubled over and couldn't stop throwing up. Finally I was just throwing up bile. Mom called the clinic since I could barely speak and the doc on call said to take me to the ER. So, a wonderful friend came over to stay at the house with the kids since they were all asleep - and help me walk to the car (Mom seriously considered calling an ambulance, but I didn't want to freak out the kids or the rest of the neighborhood).

We got to the ER and Mom ran in and asked for a wheelchair since I couldn't walk. Evidently I was moaning pretty loudly and got triaged right back to a little ER room (there was a 3-4 hour wait otherwise). I kept calling for my "Mommy." (Amazing how we revert back when we are at our most vulnerable, isn't it?) And she just held me as best she could and yelled at those people to take care of me. Seriously, you don't want to get crosswise my mom over one of her kids. She will make you wish you were dead. They gave me lots of drugs and I finally stopped puking. Of course I also stopped being lucid at all. They took me for an x-ray. Then they wanted to do a CAT scan - can I just say that there are few things nastier than barium, especially when you've been throwing your guts up. I do remember trying to choke that crap down. I guess I didn't have any bleeds anywhere, but my fever had spiked to over 104, so they thought it might be a good idea to admit me. I have very little memory of being moved to my room. One of the nurses who was there said that they had to lift me because I was barely conscious enough to slide over. Evidently, I was in serious condition and there was talk of putting me in the ICU. Yeah. As it was I was on IV fluids, three different IV antibiotics and lots of pain and anti-nausea meds. And I was bloated up like a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.

EVIDENTLY, I had developed an infection at the site of the repairs made in the second surgery. One of the abscesses was big enough that it was blocking off my bowel, essentially trapping all of the gas and *ahem* everything else from coming out of my body. That was making me a little queasy...and nearly septic. Because it was cellulitis. Which is really bad from what they tell me and to have it INSIDE is extremely rare. The doctor was a little freaked out.

My mom was keeping my friends & family updated on my condition and let them all know that I had cellulitis of the vaginal cuff. One of my friends later called to tell me "Um, your mom sent me a text about your vagina." NICE.

I stayed knocked out on pain killers and nausea meds for the first few days. By Wednesday, the first offending abscess had gone down enough for my bowel to be able to, um, deflate. Yeah, that was pleasant. Especially for the housekeeping staff. There are some great stories that could go with that day, but they are better left untold. In the meantime, doc came in every day and did a pelvic - oh, yes, just as awesome as you can imagine it would be. I also got to go for another x-ray, an ultrasound - both external and internal. I was wheeled to the sonographer by a lady who was very insistent that I wear those lovely hospital socks with the grippy things on them. She told me all kinds of stories about why this was important. Evidently it is crucial. Whatever.

Every few hours, they came to take blood, take my vitals, change one thing or another on my IV, give me medicine or something or just aggravate me. The good nurses (read: the ones I liked) would turn on the least intrusive light possible. All the hullabaloo and they changes in my meds had given me one doozy of a migraine & I wanted it as dark & quiet in there as possible. There were some terribly cheerful nurses who would burst in in the mornings and turn on all the lights and open the curtains - I had a corner room so I had two windows. I hated those nurses. The nurse I had the biggest problem with was a night nurse who kept insisting that I should take a shower, it would make me feel better. I had already taken one shower and learned that those were the worst showers in the history of ever. There was barely any water pressure and you had to rotate yourself to get completely wet. I was cold the whole entire time. One of the GOOD nurses had brought me some of those cleansing cloths to use so that I didn't smell like a lumberjack and I really didn't care what my hair looked like. Nurse Ratchet tried to blackmail me and tell me that she would take my blanket away if I started to run the slightest fever. I asked for the charge nurse and never saw Miss Smarty-Pants again. I may have been known as a pain in the ass but I just really don't give a flying flip.

My friend came to visit Wednesday night and as he left he told me I was hot. I laughed and said "Oh yeah, I'm hot. I look fantastic after laying in this bed for three days." He cracked up and said, "No, you are burning up, I'm going to go tell the nurses before I leave." Yeah, my temp was back up over 102. Super.

By Thursday afternoon, I was still running a pretty good fever most of the day. (Though I was no longer bloated so that was good) All of my blood cultures had come back clean. Nobody knew exactly what was making me sick. But I still felt like shit. I had another CT & it was decided that I was going to have a drain put in me to try to remove the infection from my vaginal cuff (I know, sorry). I thought I had a vague idea how this particular procedure might go. I was very, very mistaken.

The next day, they wheeled me off to CT and had me lay on my belly and zipped me in and out of the CT scanner dealio while the radiologist, Dr DeSade, inserted a tube from my right butt cheek through my lower abdomen to my (close your eyes) vaginal cuff to drain the infection.** BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE...while he was in there he took samples of the fluid to send to the lab to see if they could identify the bacteria that was trying to kill me. For the record, they could not. The little collection bag just kind of hung out there off the skinny little tube which was about 12 inches long or so. Surprisingly, once the tube was in, it really didn't bother me at all except that it was a little awkward trying to find a place to hold it when I went to the potty. It was good for freaking out visitors, though.

**Yes, I was awake thru all of this, but I did have some pretty good drugs on board to make me relax. Plus I did that breathing that they teach you in the childbirth classes. Nice that THAT finally came in handy!

The drain seemed to do the trick. By the next day, I was off all IV antibiotics (still taking two oral antibiotics, though. One for colitis which I developed at some point in there and made things even more fun.Good exercise though!) It was good that I was off the IV since most of my veins had been blown - all of them in both lower arms - and my last IV was in my upper arm near my left shoulder. Actually that was the only one that didn't leave any lasting marks AND it was the easiest to manage. You can still feel the knots in my lower arms where the veins have scarred. It's super-creepy. One of the nurses told me that one of the reasons that I blew so many veins was because of all the Phenergan they gave me for the nausea for all those days. And you know what? TOTALLY worth it. I hate feeling nauseated. SugarPlum says I was pretty funny on phenergan, too. Mom & I evidently had whole long conversations of which I have absolutely no memory. Same goes for phone conversations & actual in-room visits with several friends. So if you called or came by & I don't remember it, sorry. And, if you DIDN'T call but want credit for calling, you can say you did and I will have no way of knowing you are lying.

Mom brought they kids up to see me nearly every single day. I did let them open the window shades because there were pigeons nesting on the window sills and occasionally they would have eggs. They named one set on the birds "Coco & Loco" and one of their eggs was "Yoko" (get it? Yolk-o....they thought it was hilarious). Sadly, we never saw an egg hatch.

By Saturday I was SO READY to bust out of there. The doctor seemed inclined to send me home, too. Except that I still had that damn drain in and he wanted to leave it for at least 24 more hours. He actually was going to send me home with the drain. I was somewhat opposed to bringing a bag of bacteria home to my three children. He let me stay another day. Sunday, he came in to remove the drain. He had the little kit and as he got started, he honest to Doogie said "I think the radiologist said to cut right here...." The nurse and I both had the same look of shock and dismay on our faces. Then, with absolutely no warning, he just pulled that sucker right out of me. HO.LY. CRAP. He asked me if I wanted any pain meds for home. Uh, yeah. So he wrote me a few scrips for that and for antibiotics and I don't know what else and shortly after I signed all those papers, my Mommy took me home.

Oh, and they never did figure out what was making me sick. Every single culture came back clear. All of them. I had some mystery bug that tried to kill me. I am either Dr House's dream patient or his biggest nightmare.

All in all, I was in the hospital the second time for eight days, not counting the night in the ER before they admitted me. I lost about 20 lbs. Nothing at all tasted good. I read about four books. Thank goodness for having Kindle on my phone. I updated my Facebook statuses in the moments that I had the energy & could see straight. And I never did wash my hair. I know. EW. Shut up. The first thing I did when I got home was take a shower and climb into MY bed. That bed never felt so good.

Little by little I have been getting my strength back. I am still amazed at how tired I am and how much I MUST nap. I mean, it's been two months. But the doc keeps telling me to give it six months before I even approach being my old self again. I have gained back all the weight - I really didn't have much that I could lose - thanks to Girl Scout cookies and Haagen-Dacz. I managed to pull an 'A' in the class I was taking last semester in spite of my prof sending me home my first week back because I "looked frail" and I was "making her nervous." I sported the whole "heroin chic" look for quite some time - skin & bones, sunken eyes, tracks & bruises all up & down my arms. I looked terrific.

Bear still tells me almost every day that he is glad I'm all better and home. I hug my babies a little tighter and try to fit in some extra snuggles every day. Bless their hearts. In one week, their Dad deployed to SW Asia and their mom was suddenly back in the hospital at death's door (although they don't really know just HOW sick I was). SugarPlum has been amazing, as always. She is an astounding caretaker, especially for a 14 year old, and she is fiercely protective of me. And I have discovered some truly wonderful people in my life. I am honestly blessed beyond measure. I have realized who and what really matters.

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.

And to think, this was the EASY part....

Okay, since several people have asked "Just what the hell happened to you and the whole hospital thing?" here is the saga…..it’s long, but trust me it felt longer while I was laying there. (That’s what she said) (sorry I couldn’t help myself.) Today is just the first part, because, seriously, it is a SAGA. And if you get queasy easily, you might want to skip it. It ain't pretty.

I was scheduled to have a hysterectomy. Yes, I am only 40 but I have had tons of issues that are certainly more than most of you want to know so I won’t bore you with all of them. The biggest reason was that my CA-125 blood test (which is one of the markers for ovarian cancer, you know, what my mother had me totally freaked out about) had come back as above normal more than once. My GYN (Dr L) didn’t think it was “cancer high” but enough that we should probably take a look around in there and given my other issues, if he was going to “be in there” we might as well take it all out. Honestly, I was fine with removing the baby factory. After my last pregnancy and the ridiculous crap that accompanied it, I am done. D.O.N.E. And I was tired of all the girl stuff every month. So YAY! Fire sale: everything must go!

It was supposed to be very routine: LAVH (I won’t over-explain, if you want to know, you can click the link...hope you're not eating), overnight stay, home the next day. I scheduled the surgery for just before Spring Break so that I’d have nearly two full weeks to rest and recover before I went back to class. My mom was planning on staying a week, maybe ten days. I’d be tired for a few weeks but should have been back on my feet by the time Spring Break was over. Ha. Ha.

You know that nothing is ever easy with me. I am ALWAYS the aberration.

My mom came to take care of the kids and me. A friend took me to the hospital that morning at 6:15 (thanks Courtney!) and my mom was up there as soon as she got the kids to school. I remember checking in, joking around with the anesthesiologist, getting wheeled into the OR and talking a minute. The next thing I remember is the recovery room.

Here's the thing: I don’t do well coming out of anesthesia. And I am ALWAYS overwhelmed by much it hurts. But this time, even though I knew why I was hurting, something still didn’t feel right. I kept telling them that I was hurting but I couldn’t articulate that something was wrong. Drugs will do that to you, kids. They kept saying, “Yes, you just had surgery.” One jackhole actually “asked” me “Is this your first hysterectomy?” My mom almost punched him. I started feeling really nauseated. No REALLY, seriously pukey. I told them and I think they gave me some phenergan or something. But it didn’t help much.

At a certain point, they had given me all the pain and nausea meds they could. Between all the meds and still coming out of general anesthesia, everything is very swirly in my mind. I remember them giving me a basin because I felt sick. I didn’t have anything in my stomach, but I started dry heaving. I know that they took me from recovery back to my room. I remember telling them that I was bleeding and they said it was normal to have some bleeding after a hysterectomy. But every time I heaved, I felt a LOT of blood.

Evidently I kept saying “gushing” until a CNA came to change the pad on the bed and noticed that the whole entire bed was covered in blood – like horror movie style. She screamed out in the hall for someone to "get their asses in there" (as my mom informed me) and finally they took me seriously. They laid me back down in my gross, bloody bed, tilted the bed to head down (which made all of my stitched up insides hurt like a son of a bitch - that I DO remember) and wheeled me back down to pre-op where they started a blood transfusion. I remember my mom there by my head telling me what was going on, kissing me and telling me she loved me. I remember thinking that I would really just like to close my eyes and go to sleep if everyone would just STFU. But they couldn’t let me do that…something about lapsing into a coma or something, so annoying. They kept shouting at me, “BUFFI?! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON?” and I would nod. I was soooooo tired and but not scared, really. More aggravated. And very confused. I don’t remember going back into surgery. Dr L checked everywhere he had cut out anything (which was pretty much everywhere, because evidently I had an incredible amount of endometriosis all thru my lower abdomen - I am SUCH an over-achiever. There were no nicks or ruptures anywhere that he could see, except one place.

(Skip the next paragraph if certain anatomical words offend you or give you the willies)

Evidently, when I was dry heaving, a blood vessel in my vaginal cuff – where the uterus connects to the…you know – ruptured and caused the whole thing to start throwing clots & blow all the stitches. So, when I was saying "gushing" I was right. Good times. He stitched it all back up very carefully. They ended up giving me three units of blood. Which, evidently, means that I very nearly bled out. At least that's what one of the nurses told me. So much for quick and easy. I vaguely remember the recovery room again and remember my mom being there and a friend coming back to see me. I think he was a little freaked out. But, pretty much everyone was "a little freaked out." I looked fabulous, I’m sure. From what I’m told I looked slightly cadaverous.

**Also, the jackhole nurse came and apologized for his jackholery**

The doctors agreed it would be a good idea to keep me sedated for a long time to avoid the nausea and to keep my blood pressure down. I guess that every time I woke up a little, I hurt like hell and my blood pressure would spike. Also, they didn't want me dry heaving again and busting something else open.

The original plan for the boys was that SugarBug’s teacher was going to bring the boys home from school. Since the surgery was so early, I figured I’d be awake and in my room by the time they got there. And if things had gone normally, I would have. Instead, Mom kept in touch with the boys’ teachers and Mrs. Secondgrade took the boys to ToysRUs to get some Legos and bought them some pizza (she is so absolutely wonderful, I cannot even begin to describe her) and brought them up to the hospital…somewhere around suppertime maybe? I don’t know. I know that they were pretty freaked out. There I was in bed, no color at all, who knows how many tubes coming out of me and oh, so barely conscious. Bless their hearts. I remember telling them that I love them and that I was going to be okay. I remember them each giving me a kiss before my mom took them home. And then, I was out.

The next thing I remember was waking up when my friend came back. He was really nice and stayed to visit for a while. He (sarcastically) told me I looked great even though I was practically see-through. That is the first thing I remember clearly. I hurt some but not as much as earlier. My blood pressure was still wonky from all of the fluids and meds they had given me after I sprung the leak. Oddly enough, my blood pressure would go down whenever they gave me pain meds. Imagine.

After my friend left, I asked the nurses when I could get the catheter out because, golly I HATE those. They had to check with the doctor, who was thrilled that I was awake and lucid enough to ask to take it out. So they did. YAY! I went to the bathroom, I drank some water. I called the house to talk to the kids so that they could hear that I was okay. I needed to hear their voices too. The full impact of what had happened was beginning to dawn on me and OH, how it broke my heart to even consider the alternative ending. I still hate that the boys had to see me like that after I had told them the night before that everything would be just fine. Now I'm a big fat liar.

Random snippet: When I was more fully awake, I saw a small card left by one of the pastors at my church. It was funny because I remember at one point in my drug-induced haze thinking, "Wow, that doctor looks just like Danny Pastordude!" Heh.

I stayed in the hospital one extra day (yes, that’s all!) and they sent me home. My instructions were to eat, rest, and go to the ER if I started to get a fever. I got my prescription for the pain meds and my hormone patches and headed home. It felt good to be in my bed. I was happy to be with my babies. I was a little shaky, but felt like I was getting stronger & better. The kids went with their dad, who was in town for a Spring Break visit, and they had a grand time. It was good to see them happy and not hovering and worrying about me. I studied some (mid-term approaching) and tried to begin making my way back to normal. SD left, my Uncle and cousin stopped thru on their way home from a Spring Break fishing trip to check on me. Mom was in charge and taking great care of all of us. She was considering going home the next day.

And then all hell broke loose…..

(to be continued this weekend, I promise. Probably)

FINALLY, part 2

Phrases I rarely use in conversation with adults....It's been a while...

It has been ages since I chronicled the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth while parenting. There are things that I never even imagined I would say. If you're feeling nostalgic, you can look waaaay back here to see other times I have pondered the utterings of a befuddled mom...

• Stop throwing dirt in the air.
• And no throwing rocks at people.
• Play knights with your Nerf swords, not these sticks...that have nails in them. Sweet Fancy Moses, where did those even come from??
• No, you do not need a spear.
• You're fine. I don't have time to go to the ER today.
• And don't bleed on my couch. (True story, I actually said that. SugarPlum about peed her pants.)
• The tooth fairy doesn't want filthy teeth, so you'd better hope you brush well before that thing falls out.
• Get dressed.
• Get dressed.
• For the love of little green apples, GET. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON.
• I WILL take you to school in your pajamas. Wanna try me?**
• Cleaning your room includes all around the edges AND in your closet AND under your bed AND the top of your dresser. It does not mean clearing a space beneath your ceiling fan.
• If you pull all the leaves off that shrub, you'll have to buy me a new one.
• Please don't break my house.
• When was the last time someone flushed this toilet?? It smells like Woodstock in here!
• If you keep screaming like that the neighbors are going to think that someone has been mortally wounded and call the police.
• Cool Whip is not a "healthy snack."
• Oh, ew. I think it's time you started wearing deodorant.
• When I call your name, you get your butt in here, immediately. You do not simply shout "Yeah?"
• What is so hard to understand about bedtime? PJs, potty, brush your teeth, dirty clothes to the washing machine. That's how it's been since you could walk. Are you new here??
• "In the washing machine" means just that. Not somewhere in the approximate vicinity of the laundry room.
• I know that you have heard Mommy say that word, but it is a word that is only okay for grown-ups to use. If you say that at school, you'll get detention.
• No spitting water all over the shower.
• How can you have been in the shower for 25 minutes and your hair is not even wet? But the light fixture is?
• OUCH! *&^$ing Legos. (See above: words only grown-ups can use)
• Don't sit on the dog.
• Don't lasso the dog.
• Leave the poor dogs alone already.
• If you screw up SugarPlum's math project on the computer, I will let her beat you.
• Everybody to the bathroom before we leave!
• GAH! I told you to go to the bathroom before we left!
• Why are you not wearing shoes? Which part of "going to the grocery store" did you not understand?
• No, we are not going to McDonalds.
• No we are not going to Taco Bell.
• No, we are not going to El Chico.
• WE ARE EATING AT HOME, we have groceries IN. THE. CAR. RIGHT NOW!
• How much does your Mommy love you? More than anything in the whole wide world.
• You little heathen.

**One day Bug piddled around and couldn't find two matching shoes. So he wore the right shoe of one pair and the left shoe of another. He's never had trouble finding his shoes since....

Doorknobs fear me....

So, those of you who have read here for a while know that I have a bit of a history of with doorknobs. Don't try to keep me out of my house. I have no problem taking out a doorknob. Today was no exception.

A couple of days ago, Snazzy escaped - yes, again. She is one of the original Houdini dogs, after all. This time it was due to the fact that the fence at this house is quite old and should probably be replaced. Tuesday morning, I found Snazzy in the neighbor's backyard, having gotten there via a loose picket in the fence. She couldn't get BACK in our yard though and was very distraught. I found the picket, let her back in, checked for other loose boards (I thought) and then we had a nap. That afternoon, I went to pick up SugarPlum from school and when I got back, Snazzy wasn't there...McGee was, but no Snazzy. She had gotten out on the OTHER side of the yard thru a (missed) loose picket and the neighbor on that side has no fence across the front of her house. Hence, NO SNAZZY. SP begged me to go drive around and look for her, which I did until I had to pick up the boys. Then, we had to take SP and a teammate to soccer practice & then I had class. I was bummed. I had a headache. I was having major anxiety. I totally faked my way thru class that night. But when I got home, Snazzy was here - a lady about two blocks over found her, called & brought her home. Yay!

So...today...I had to go get a temporary crown put on at the dentist (or the "sadist" as my phone auto-corrected it to in a text HHAHA!!). I got home, noticed a picket that looked a little wonky & went out to check it. Both dogs were still back there, so I wasn't too worried. I secured the slightly loose board and then turned to come back in. Only the doorknob was locked. As was every other door to the house. My purse, keys and phone were sitting on the kitchen table. I COULD SEE THEM. But, short of busting a window, I couldn't get to them. Dammit.

I remembered my badassedness of a few years back. Only I had no hammer. So I grabbed the closest thing I could think of - the grill brush. That helped some but it wasn't terribly effective. SO, I scanned the back yard and realized that we have an abundance of loose bricks back there. (I have no idea why, but I wasn't feeling very inquisitive at that point) So, I grabbed a brick and proceeded to knock the crap out of the doorknob. Twice....and then about 900 angry ants came out of the brick. Oops. I survived that unscathed and found another brick that did NOT contain an entire colony of pissed off ants and continued the whacking. Eventually, the doorknob came off. But the door was still locked.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKIN' KIDDING ME. (may or may not have been the precise words used...)

So, I went and pulled the Brinks padlock off of the shed (the only thing in the whole vicinity NOT locked) and used the top part to reach up into the mechanism and try to pull the ring from around it and then get it to unlock. AND? I broke the padlock.

I BROKE A DAMN PADLOCK, PEOPLE. It's like I have super-human strength....only not enough to get my damn door open. I was sweaty. My tooth hurt. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted to be INSIDE my house.

I used the really hard part of the padlock to beat the small parts of the mechanism again and then used the other half of the U that hadn't broken off and fiddled around with the odd bits inside the doorknob mechanism (also cussed a little) until FINALLY the door popped open. I was so happy. And feeling very empowered. With the exception of my tooth throbbing now and the growing migraine. But I DID have the presence of mind to take a picture to prove once again what a badass I am. Because - seriously, GO ME! Also, I took the time to post it on Facebook. And write an entire blog post about it. Because that's how I roll....

Moral of the Story: Don't piss me off. Especially if there are bricks around. Ants optional.

100 (or so) Things About Sugar Mommy

A long, long time ago - a whole lifetime ago, it seems - I did the infamous "100 Things About Me" meme. So much has changed since then - it's almost like reading about another person - that I thought I might do it again. I'm not sure that I will make it to 100. I'm almost positive that there is nobody out there who cares that much, but I'm feeling vain, I suppose....

100 (or so) Things About Sugar Mommy

1. I am a Christian.
2. Thank goodness, because if I wasn't I don't think I would have survived the past few years.
3. I am a mom.
4. My children are, quite possibly, the three funniest people on the planet.
5. No, seriously.
6. I am a grad student. Going to school to become a counselor.
7. Amazing it only took me 40 years to decide what I want to be when I grow up.
8. My bachelor's degreee is in Human Development & Family Studies.
9. I taught kindergarten - which was exactly, precisely what I wanted to do after graduation.
10. After I had SugarPlum, I was a stay at home mom. Which was even more exactly, precisely what I wanted to do!
11. I've been very blessed.
12. Now I don't ever want to be a teacher again.
13. I've discovered that I don't like small children in groups for extended periods of time. I LOVE kids, but not groups of them.
14. Except for YOUR kid. Your kid is awesome and I would love to teach 30 of him/her all the time.
15. I'm slightly sarcastic.
16. Which is sort of like saying the surface of the sun is slightly warm.
17. Fortunately, my daughter shares this trait so we have some hilarious conversations.
18. She and I also share of love of words and wordplay. I can crack that girl up for 15 minutes with one really bad pun.
19. She and I make up silly names for people on reality shows like American Idol and Top Chef.
20. In the past we have giggled over "Blondie Tattoo Arms," "Scallop Girl," "Nipple Head," "Skanky Ballerina," "Old Dude" and so far on this season's AI, we have "Crazy" and "The Orifice" (the last on because I don't want to cuss, the guy really is a....poopy-head.)
21. The flip-side of the love of words is that I am a huge grammar freak. Not that I don't make mistakes, I do. Even on Facebook, I have to go back and correct mistakes. It's a disease.
22. I try not to inflict this upon others, but if I do, it is almost completely out of love.
23. However, a misplaced apostrophe can come close to sending me over the edge some days.
24. This does make me very good at editing papers. (you have no idea how many times I have gone back and corrected this post. Or how many more times I likely will.)
25. I suck at math. Seriously.
26. Almost as much as housework.
27. I REALLY suck at housework.
28. I'm prone to procrastination (another tremendous understatement).
29. Which means that I may never finish this list.
30. The irony of my procrastination thing is that I hate to be late to things. I'm not against being "fashionably late" to an event, especially if there is a social hour beforehand.
31. But it drives me crazy to walk in late to things.
32. I wasn't always like this, I'm not sure when the switch was flipped.
33. I suffer from a laundry-list of ridiculous minor ailments that give me fits. I know I must seem like a hypochondriac sometimes, but if I tell you I don't feel good, it's probably true.
34. I'm probably Dr. House's dream patient...or his worst nightmare. I'd love to find a way to put it all together and fix it.
35. I am very, very loyal and very forgiving - to a point. If you are my friend or someone I love, you have to do something REALLY major to get rid of me.
36. I've known one of my best friends since junior high. We have gone years at at time without talking before, but I don't think that either one of us to could live without the other. I love you CRB.
37. Another best friend was my pledge trainer in college. She's very bossy and a giant dork but I love and adore her and couldn't live without her either.
38. My OTHER best friend I met when we were stationed in England. We met the same day our three-year-old daughters did (at different places) and have been friends ever since. (Our girls have as well!) She's been through a lot with me. The Queen is amazing.
39. I sound like I'm in the third grade talking about my "best friends."
    
40. But I won't let anyone walk all over me forever.
41. I avoid conflict - sometimes to a fault.
42. I try to look at the big picture and try to decide if something is really worth confronting someone over (don't sweat the small stuff...).
43. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong.
44. I also try to step back and evaluate how my choices and actions will affect my kids.
45. I think it's very important to tell the people you love that you do indeed love them. Ask my close friends & family - I always say "I love you" when I get off the phone or when you leave. You never know when you won't have that chance again.
46. I am trying to learn how to be the mom of a teenager.
47. That's fun.
48. I thought I was the only one around here allowed to be moody.
49. Evidently NOT.
50. I must say, however, that my daughter is one of the most amazing teenagers in the history of EVER.
51. I love to cook.
52. But I don't cook low fat or low cal, so be aware.
53. My fridge is never without butter or heavy cream. And I almost always have the ingredients to make some kind of fresh pie.
54. Mmmmmm, pie.
55. I'm also one of those "healthy-food moms," ironically.
56. I read labels for everything. My kids don't get sodas or much juice or junk food. I check everything for HCFS and MSG and other gross chemicals that pollute food. I don't ban or prohibit foods with those things, I just figure the less we all consume of them the better.
57. And I don't try to tell other parents what to feed their kids (unless you ask me), or even mine for that matter. If my kids are at your house, they can eat whatever you give them.
58. That doesn't always work out well - last week someone let Bear have a Mountain Dew. He didn't go to sleep until midnight.
59. I'm very sentimental about things.
60. This could easily turn me into one of those people on Hoarders if I'm not careful.
61. Especially since my grandmother died, my mom has been bringing me some of her things. She calls to ask if I want something and I ALWAYS say yes. I don't know where I'll put it all but if it's my MawMaw's, I want it, by golly.
62. I honestly have no idea where I will put it all.
63. I really get into politics.
64. I won't climb on my soapbox.
65. But I will say that Ronald Reagan was the greatest president that we have ever had. Period.
66. I might be a tiny bit addicted to Facebook.
67. I love how FB keeps me in touch with friends and has put me back in touch with old friends.
68. I used to be addicted to Diet Coke.
69. But the aspartame really doesn't help with the chronic migraines. So I limit myself on Diet Cokes now. Some days, though, a girl REALLY needs a Diet Coke.
70. Now I'm more likely to go to Sonic for a cherry-limeade. Mmmmmmm. Heaven in a styrofoam cup.
71. Oooh, and chili-cheese fries. (#s 50 & 51 are exempted in cases of possible Chili-cheese fry/cherry-limeade consumption....but only for me)
72. I may be a bit of a hypocrite.
73. Also, I have a potty mouth.
74. I can make a fighter pilot blush.
75. I keep it clean in front of the kids and in polite company for the most part.
76. But don't piss me off.
77. Just ask TXU. (I wasn't kidding about the potty mouth)
78. Speaking of procrastination, I will have to come back and finish this later. Laundry beckons...
79. Laundry still not finished (see #26)
80. I am getting old.
81. At the eye dr last month I discovered that while I am still near-sighted, I am getting far sighted as well. How is that even possible?
82. I have to wear my glasses to watch TV or drive.
83. But I have to take them off to look at a menu in a restaurant.
84. That is so very wrong.
85. I nap more often than is probably considered normal or acceptable for most adults.
86. I have a very close and loving relationship with my pillow and we miss each other if we are apart for very long .
87. I have the most eclectic (that's a nice word for "weird") mix of music & artist on my iPod: Simon & Garfunkel, Audio Adrenaline, The Beach Boys, Third Day, Frank Sinatra, George Strait, Ben Folds, Casting Crowns, Amy Grant, Billie Holliday, Crosby Stills & Nash, Patsy Cline, Journey, Mahalia Jackson, Mercy Me, The Newsboys, The Police, Rufus Wainright, Sidewalk Prophets, TobyMac, Sister Hazel, Ziggy Marley, The Weepies....that's not even half of them. I'm such a dork. (Also? A little pissed that I can't get the Beatles from Amazon Mp3...)
88. Also....okay, it's not my iPod, it's really my phone - not an iphone - but iPod has become generic like Kleenex or Q-tip, right?
89. More to come....(more procrastination)
90. I am terrible with money.
91. I have gotten better at watching my spending, but I stink at keeping up with it all.
92. This may become an issue soon.
93. I really need my own accountant.
94. I think I want to learn to play golf.
95. I just don't know if I have the patience.
96. I also want to learn to shoot a gun.
97. I looooove the beach. I like to just sit on the beach and read and listen to the waves.
98. I just realized that I haven't done my reading for class tomorrow....so I guess I won't finish this list today after all.....
99. I have learned the last few years that I have to just trust God with everything without trying to manipulate a situation into going the way I want it to. And when I DO manage to trust Him, things seem to go much more smoothly. Or at least I have a peace about (and within) the chaos.
100. Believe it or not, that wasn't everything, but the rest will have to remain a mystery. Sorry to disappoint you.

This thing only took me two weeks to finish. Clearly, I need to take another look at my priorities....

Snowpocolypse** 2011: One Mom's Chronicle

Monday: Morning: What a nice day. I can't believe it's supposed to get cold again, dang it. I have a lot I want to get done this week. The weatherman always says that there's going to be all of this snow & ice, but then it's just cold and dreary. Ugh, I should probably get groceries anyway, just in case. We'll eat them one way or another. Afternoon: Can't believe they cancelled SugarPlum's basketball game because the weather might get bad. How bizarre. Those clouds DO look a little ominous though. And that wind is getting chilly. Oh, well, a free night with nothing to do! What a treat! Night: Huh, I think that is ICE coming from the sky. That's what it sounds like. Oh! And snow! Wow....I can't believe they actually called the night before to say that school is cancelled tomorrow. That's kind of awesome since I don't even have to get up and check in the morning!

Tuesday: Morning*ish*: What the hell is all that noise? Why are they boys up? Holy smokes it's 4:30 in the morning and they are up and watching TV?! I'm sending them back to bed. That's ridiculous. I'm not getting up at 4:30.... Still morning: I cannot believe how loud they are being. I can hear those boys all the way across the house! It's like they are right outside my bedroom window. ::stomps into boys' rooms to kill them scold them:: OH MY MAUDE! They are outside at 6:30am in the -23 wind chill screaming like banshees! Everyone to their rooms until I say you can come out!

Still morning: Bug wants to know if he can please eat some breakfast. FINE. Make yourself something to eat.

The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I talked about it here. Before I lost my ever-loving mind.

Wednesday: Morning: I put the boys to bed last night with strict instructions to NOT get up before 7:00 and that under no circumstances are they to go outside without express permission from me AFTER I am fully awake and have ingested caffeine. By the time I get up I'm pretty sure that they had been watching TV for at least 9 hours. As best I can tell, each one of them opened a new box of cereal and then didn't put their bowls in the sink.

I have no idea what time it actually is until I look at my phone because Texas is having "rolling blackouts" to compensate for the extra power being used due to the cold as well as the generators that have been lost...or they're just messing with us. The power has gone out more than once and the kids think it's pretty cool except that it totally screwed up their level on Wii Lego Star Wars. We all have to make sacrifices. I have decided to sacrifice doing laundry and vacuuming today so that my fellow Texans can have power. I'm selfless that way.

Afternoon: Kids want to go play outside. Which is fine with me. Bug puts on approximately 12 shirts (no exaggeration). He says that he is "Keeping the most special parts of my inside body warm & toasty." I'm not asking what that means. Those who can't find gloves opt to put socks on their hands. Whatever. At 4:00 Candyland ISD calls to announce that school is cancelled again tomorrow. This isn't fun anymore. Why didn't I go to the liquor store Monday when I had the chance? Actual Facebook post: Another damn day out of school. *ahem* What I MEANT to say was, "Yippee! Another 24 hours of quality time with my delightful and impeccably behaved children. What a blessing." Now, send vodka.

Evening: Kids have informed me that I have "mad pie skillz." Little brown nosers. They finished off the cherry pie and want me to make another. Which in reality, I totally would except that I am out of sugar. How did THAT happen? I also caved and did a couple of loads of laundry because I cannot get to my garage door if I don't. That seems like it might be a fire hazard. Turns out wearing 83 layers of clothes to go play in the snow creates one giant assload of laundry. Also, now I'm considering that a fire might not be a bad way to get rid of all this laundry. USAA doesn't read blogs, right?

Thursday: Morning: I have no idea what happened Thursday morning. I woke up at some point with a brain-splitting migraine and went back to sleep. All I have to say is my teenage daughter is one of the most amazing kids on the planet.

Afternoon: I tell SugarPlum that I am DETERMINED to get something accomplished around this house today. And I did. I totally redesigned the blog. Moments after the boys go to play out in the front yard, I see a figure pass in the yard that looks very much like one of our dogs...because it IS one of our dogs. CRAP. I find my snow boots (I find it quite remarkable that I have TWO pairs of snow boots here in Texas!, but I do) and start to chase her. (Incidentally the most exercise I have gotten in MONTHS) Bug corners her in a neighbor's yard and we finally manage to get her home. Snazzy is looking at us like "I don't see what the big deal is..." So, that was exciting.

*3:30* It's official, CLISD hates me. School is cancelled again tomorrow. It's like Mother Nature has put me under house arrest with a bunch of meth-addled monkeys. Even Bear has said that he is tired of snow days and that he is "homed out."

Evening: Trying to decide what to make for dinner and the kids ask if we could please have macaroni & cheese. Why, of course you can!! Also, Bear helps me make some brownies. (Which is always a good choice for meth-addled monkeys)

I have totally lost track of time now, what day is it? I let the boys stay up MUCH later than normal because the DVR is recording 2 shows at the same time and won't show the clock. Never noticed that before. While I put the boys to bed - which takes forever since they are "so tired they can't get ready for bed!" - SP reluctantly cleans the kitchen [points of clarification: reluctantly = bitching and complaining the whole. entire. time. and grumbling afterward; cleaning = gingerly swiping at some of the dishes that may be in the general vicinity of the sink with a scrubbing brush and then haphazardly tossing them toward the dishwasher].

After those two tasks are done (and I use the word "done" in its most loosely interpreted, general sense), SP and I watch American Idol together. She redeems herself somewhat by suggesting that one of the more horrifyingly bad contestants was "singing in the key of WTF." I love her.

Friday: Today has dawned (at the crack of 10) with Bear passing some very impressive level on Kirby's Epic Yarn (I don't know what that means. But he is very proud of himself). The child was supposed to be on week 2 of being grounded from all electronics, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Which means that I cracked by Tuesday afternoon. Ai Yi Yi.

Afternoon: SugarPlum has copped a bit of an attitude asking if I plan to go to the store today because she still needs snacks to take to the weekend youth retreat at church. Told her she wouldn't be going to the youth retreat if the kitchen didn't get cleaned. Still, I am so stir crazy, I have GOT to get away from these people. I assume that most of the grocery stores and especially Wal Mart are going to be insane today, so I went to Braums to get milk and also picked up some chips and sodas for Ms. Attitude to take with her. Because, who are we kidding? Kitchen or no kitchen, I have got to get that kid outa here before someone loses a limb. She may be the world's greatest teenager, but she's still a teenager. And I have been trapped in the house with her for four days now. SEE YA!

Evening: After taking SP to the church, we come home and the boys web-cam with their dad. Then they want to know what's for supper. And could we pleeeeeezze have those frozen pizzas? WHY YES YOU CAN. So, frozen pizzas, a couple of episodes of Psych from Netflix (we LOVE that show), and the boys are off to bed. Who knows what Saturday holds? Pray for SUN.

to be continued......

Saturday: Holy cow! It's in the 50's outside! So, why are these boys playing on the computer? The sun is shining! The snow is melting! You can see the sidewalks! I give them the choice to either go play outside or clean the house. Bug actually throws a big whiny fit about how he "just wants to read a book!" For realz. As if I generally forbid reading around here. Well, it's gonna be cold and nasty again tomorrow, so everyone can read then. Although, so help me if there is no school Monday I cannot be held responsible for the repercussions.

If those dogs don't stop whining, I may be tempted to "liberate" them from the backyard. And this time I'm not chasing them down. Same with the boys.

I have actually - finally - unpacked those two random boxes that have been sitting in my bathroom for two months. Wow...we've been in this house for two months! Have gone from a huge master bath with a dressing area, five cabinets, two medicine cabinets and four very big drawers to a bathroom with two (albeit decent sized) cabinets and two medium sized drawers. I know I am still very blessed with this house but I am having a hard time finding places for all this crap. Where did all these bottles of hair and body products come from and why did I move them?

>>>YOU ALREADY HAD TWO SNACKS. GO BACK OUTSIDE OR YOU HAVE TO SCRUB THE TOILETS.<<<

I think I may have earned some computer time...

I might actually cook supper. Meatloaf sounds good. What is the world coming to?

To be continued more later......

GOOD NEWS! The boys have a friend next door. A little girl who's in the 3rd grade and used to go to the same school that the boys did last year. They are all playing together right now. BAD NEWS: This girl is one of the most annoying, whiny children I have ever had the privilege of knowing as a sub. And her father was legendary at said school for being a real jackhole. And now I live next door to him. Awesome.

I CAN'T DECIDE NEWS: Whiny girl only lives there on the weekends. She actually lives in Oklahoma now with her mom. Hmmmmm. So will Jackhole Dad be better or worse w/ daughter not being there? Will the boys and/or dogs aggravate him? We shall see.....

UPDATE**It has been brought to my attention that Aunt Becky has come up with an even better name than "Snowpocolypse" for this storm. On her blog, she has called it "SnOMG 2011" and I really like that even better. (And not just because it is much easier to type) (though that might play into it some) (or even a lot) (but still). I've grown weary of "Snowpocolypse" since that's what everyone seems to be calling it now. She also called it "The SnoTorious BIG." But since that's harder to type we'll stick with SnOMG. (Okay, fine. Are you happy now?)

Arrr arrrrr

(If you begin to feel offended by this post at any point, please see the note at the end.)

Due to the big (ish) move and the big changes and the slight bullying issue, my boys have been attending a private Christian school here in Candyland. It's ironic because I have spent the past eight years singing the praises of the Candyland Independent School District. Because honestly, the public schools here are fan-freakin-tastic. My kids have all been blessed with wonderful teachers almost every year and have learned so much. In fact, SugarPlum has remained at the junior high she's been attending since the sixth grade and next year she will go to one of the three fantastic high schools that CISD has to offer. (Heaven help me) Really, you can't go wrong when it comes to high schools here, especially.

But...(you knew that was coming, right?)

Bear needed a fresh start. A place where he felt safe and could count on some spiritual guidance as well as an almost zero tolerance for any kind of bullying. And Bug...well, my little Buggy is one smart kid. And he was getting bored and failing to see the point of doing the work at school last year. Oh, he was making good grades but he was also making his teacher (who was amazing) and his mommy insane. He really likes having attention. And since the State of Texas has mandated that there can be up to 22 students to a class in the lower grades, it makes it hard for a smart guy to get attention when the teacher is having to devote time to the kids who don't get it. It's not the teacher's fault. I've been in her shoes. 22 Kindergarteners. One me. Not good. So, in order to get attention, Bug was acting out and getting in trouble. More and more often. I feared for what second grade held for him.

I decided that, for these and a host of other reasons, my boys needed the guidance and supervision on a private, Christian school. They have really flourished there. They both love that they get to study the Bible and that they have chapel weekly. Bear comments often about how he has friends and how he doesn't feel so sad and picked on. Bug's teachers have recognized how smart he is and also how easily distracted and bored he can get. And since there are only ten (yes TEN) kids in each class, they are able to keep closer tabs on him and change their tactics with him to keep him challenged and engaged. I LOVE it.

Here's the thing. Since the classes are so small, they are able to do little plays and presentations that the parents are invited - nay, encouraged - to attend. These little things only last a few minutes, but they require a huge chunk out of my day to plan around them. They usually fall at just about the time I need to go pick up SugarPlum. Also? They are mind-numbingly boring.

Maybe it's because this is my third kid, but honestly, the ten minute vignette Willie the Walrus is something I feel like I can go the rest of my life without seeing. Just like the Johnny Appleseed "play" they did in the Fall. Problem? All the other mommies show up, video camera in hand, to see their little angels and Bug is left feeling like his mommy doesn't care. No, really, he said that. For reals. And so, I will trudge myself up there in the middle of a busy Wednesday afternoon, the day after MY school starts to watch Bug go "Arrr arrr" in his three second role as a sea lion (I KID YOU NOT). I will take care to be ON TIME this time because I was a few minutes late to the Johnny Appleseed play and they were already finished. So they performed it again. Just for me. Oh, yes they did. And all the other, good mommies looked at me with their "tsk tsk" faces the whole entire time. Which meant that I had to applaud like the entire Barrymore family had assembled to perform Macbeth for my sole benefit.

My only plea...is there any way that perhaps we could find a way to serve cocktails at these little theatrical events? Just a small cordial would really go a long way in helping motivate me to get there. A small glass of wine, a mini-martini....something? It doesn't have to be huge. Just enough to get me through the tedium. Just consider it, Candyland Christian School. I know I'm not the only mom who feels this way.

Also, the Family Night/Silent Auction? Would raise a LOT more money if you had an open bar. Just sayin.

***Please recognize how very tongue-in-cheek this post is. I LOVE seeing Bug and all the kids perform and wouldn't miss it for the world. I love and adore each and every teacher at CCS and wouldn't change one single thing about it.****

***Also, I am not advocating drinking at school events and would never, ever even consider drinking and driving my children anywhere. Or anyone. Or even just me. Oh, for crying out loud, you get what I am saying, right?!!***