Thursday, July 26, 2012

Like 50 Shades of Gray, but without the sex, or all the people reading it....

I haven't written anything in a ridiculous amount of time and now I'm posting a meme?? I know, right? But I can't figure out how to get started again, so maybe this will get the ball rolling. Maybe not. Who knows. Anyway, here we go....

(Stolen from Lauren at Filing Jointly, Finally)

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Much like a fifth grade girl, I have many "best friends." The Queen's mom's name is Patricia (I think). Elizabeth's mom's name is Susan. As for CRB (my oldest friend - meaning, we have known each other since jr. high), we don't say her mom's name out loud for fear of conjuring the old biddy up. She's like more ways than you would believe.

Imagine this, with lipstick

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  I'm ridiculously fair skinned & have blazillions of moles all over. My grandmother told me that's where the angels kissed me. I have a strange one right next to my nose that looks like a giant zit. I had one on my belly for a long time, but the dermatologist decided that it looked funny & cut it out one day at an appointment. No time to prepare, no time for a Xanax, just "That looks ominous, we should get it cut out & off to pathology." BOOM. It was fine. No cancer.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? Hmmm, there was a coach in junior high who looked just like Magnum, PI. Golly, he was hot. I can't remember his name though. Wonder if he still looks like Tom Selleck. Because Tom is totally on my list.
Only they made Coach Hottie wear a shirt at school. Bastards.
4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Why? What have you heard?

5. What body part do you wash first?  Face. If I don't wash it first, I forget & then I end up with facial scrub in my hair at the end of my shower. I'm a genius that way.

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? I really don't have the leg muscles anymore to "hover." If it is especially gross, I will do my best, but if I can, I'll just hold it. Oh, the joys of getting old.

7. What's the strangest talent you have? In spite of the fact that my leg muscles are weak, I am ridiculously flexible. I don't know if it has to do with all of those years of ballet or just that almost all of my joints hyper-extend, but I am like one of those bendy-dolls. I'm not as flexible as when I was younger. I used to be able to slide my foot all the way up the wall & bring my nose to my knee. 

Also, I can crack almost all of my joints. People in class love that.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie, but I've had so many surgeries that it's not quite as "in" as it used to be. Also there are surgical scars all around it. SEXY!

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? You know, I haven't eaten Pringles in a long time. Not since I found out that they are mostly NOT potato. But the plain ones were always my favorite back when I was naive and skinny and could eat whatever I wanted.

10. Have you ever been tied up? Um, no. Not as far as you know.

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? Well, since I'm old, I have no idea about the LAST thing I got grounded for. Probably smarting off to my mom. The last one I remember clearly was the week before I turned 16. My grandparents had bought me a car (nothing was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It was HUGE. BUT, this was the mid-80s, so it's not like it was that old). was summer and it was Texas and it was HOT, so I decided that instead of walking the three blocks to the swimming pool, I would drive there. You know, I'd get home long before my mom got home from work and no one would be the wiser. Of course, my mom came home from work EARLY and showed up at the pool pissed off and I was grounded for like, a month. Way to celebrate, right?

It was just like this only red.
12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? Oh, I can't parallel park to save my life. I just drive around and around until I find a space I can pull into. That's why I leave for class early. SugarPlum is learning to drive right now (I KNOW, RIGHT?) and I told her she'd better get her Daddy to teach her to parallel park while she's up there with him. That man could parallel park a Mac truck. It's ridiculous.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, I'm not that cool. Or slutty.

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  In person or on the internet?

15. Which shoe do you put on first? Whichever one I find first.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  I have been to a drag show. Does that count?

18. Girls   rule, boys drool. 

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Ummm, me?

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? What kind of a slut do you think I am? Don't answer that.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.  (to borrow from Lauren) "Cow-tipping is mean.  How would you like if if you were just sleeping in your own bed and then suddenly you woke up on the floor with a couple of drunk cows hovering over you, mooing in amusement.   You would feel fucking scared right?"

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?  Usually one of my kids. Depends on whether anyone has wet the bed.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? My sophomore year of high school, this boy named Charles wanted to ask me to homecoming, but he was nervous. So, like a day or two before, he finally handed me a note with this poem written on it asking me. I don't have it any more, but I remember that it started, "Roses are red, Grass is green, I am a coward and you are a queen..." I had SO MUCH fun at homecoming with him that year. We stayed good friends until we graduated. I sure wish I could find him. Anyone from Candyland HS know whatever happened to Charles Green?

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? EW. How gross are you?

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? My parents' bedroom still has the original 1970's green shag carpet. That's mighty questionable if you ask me. Also? Nasty.

26. What was your childhood nickname? My mom's side of the family (being from West Texas & Oklahoma) all have double names - Tommy Ray, Lena Faye, Katie Beth, Bessie Jean, you get the picture. My name is very long and has lots and lots of syllables. So most of my life, I was called Buffi Lou. Also, my daddy still calls me "Pete" and 2D Bug. I have no idea why.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I might do that when I'm goofing around with the boys. I remember these guys in college whose house we would go hang out at on the weekends, we called it "The Homestead." As it would get later, when certain songs came on they would hold their hands & arms like they were playing guitar right against their chests. They called it playing "titty guitar."

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? Oh, my no. Have you SMELLED a men's locker room? I can barely stand to walk by.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  I have three kids. I cannot think of all the weird things I've done while driving. Administered spelling test? Changed clothes? I don't know. I may have to come back to this one.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? Mine? No. 

31. How do you eat your cookie? Out of the vicinity of the children, lest I have to share.

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? HAaahaa!! "When working out at the gym?!" That's the funniest assumption I've heard all day. 

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I don't know. I'm pretty shameless. 

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I really don't get drunk anymore because the hangovers last for DAYS. Although, if you ask my cousin, a bottle of mojitos will definitely kick my ass, no matter how thick that glass is. (totally inside joke that only one person is going to get, sorry)

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? ::sigh:: Not on purpose.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every time I see the Q-Tips. It's a weird compulsion.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Really?

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  Ew. Haven't counted. Don't plan to.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? I really hate crowds. I don't know that it's a phobia, but it's definitely an aversion. Also, I sometimes have to take a Xanax before I can go into WalMart. True story.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Mmmm...not that I can remember.

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Early in my marriage to SD, we were at the Officers' Club one night and I decided that I could out-drink a couple of the guys in his squadron. Two pitchers of beer later, it got ugly. We'll leave it at that.

4. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  See above: two pitchers of beer.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Nope. Never.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? Well, yes. Because I date human beings, not robots. 

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Oh, my. No.

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? I think probably in college there were a couple of mornings where I showed up to sell shoes still a little tipsy. I'm not proud to admit that.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? Didn't Justin Timberlake do that a few years ago? Yes. Yes, he did.

1 comment:

Michael Irwin said...

I LOVE #31. My wife liked #32, though she insists on calling it James (she says it'll take 3 or 4 encounters for her to move to abbreviated names)