Like 50 Shades of Gray, but without the sex, or all the people reading it....

I haven't written anything in a ridiculous amount of time and now I'm posting a meme?? I know, right? But I can't figure out how to get started again, so maybe this will get the ball rolling. Maybe not. Who knows. Anyway, here we go....

(Stolen from Lauren at Filing Jointly, Finally)

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Much like a fifth grade girl, I have many "best friends." The Queen's mom's name is Patricia (I think). Elizabeth's mom's name is Susan. As for CRB (my oldest friend - meaning, we have known each other since jr. high), we don't say her mom's name out loud for fear of conjuring the old biddy up. She's like Voldemort...in more ways than you would believe.

Imagine this, with lipstick

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  I'm ridiculously fair skinned & have blazillions of moles all over. My grandmother told me that's where the angels kissed me. I have a strange one right next to my nose that looks like a giant zit. I had one on my belly for a long time, but the dermatologist decided that it looked funny & cut it out one day at an appointment. No time to prepare, no time for a Xanax, just "That looks ominous, we should get it cut out & off to pathology." BOOM. It was fine. No cancer.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? Hmmm, there was a coach in junior high who looked just like Magnum, PI. Golly, he was hot. I can't remember his name though. Wonder if he still looks like Tom Selleck. Because Tom is totally on my list.

Only they made Coach Hottie wear a shirt at school. Bastards.

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Why? What have you heard?

5. What body part do you wash first?  Face. If I don't wash it first, I forget & then I end up with facial scrub in my hair at the end of my shower. I'm a genius that way.

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? I really don't have the leg muscles anymore to "hover." If it is especially gross, I will do my best, but if I can, I'll just hold it. Oh, the joys of getting old.

7. What's the strangest talent you have? In spite of the fact that my leg muscles are weak, I am ridiculously flexible. I don't know if it has to do with all of those years of ballet or just that almost all of my joints hyper-extend, but I am like one of those bendy-dolls. I'm not as flexible as when I was younger. I used to be able to slide my foot all the way up the wall & bring my nose to my knee. 

Also, I can crack almost all of my joints. People in class love that.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie, but I've had so many surgeries that it's not quite as "in" as it used to be. Also there are surgical scars all around it. SEXY!

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? You know, I haven't eaten Pringles in a long time. Not since I found out that they are mostly NOT potato. But the plain ones were always my favorite back when I was naive and skinny and could eat whatever I wanted.

10. Have you ever been tied up? Um, no. Not as far as you know.

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? Well, since I'm old, I have no idea about the LAST thing I got grounded for. Probably smarting off to my mom. The last one I remember clearly was the week before I turned 16. My grandparents had bought me a car (nothing fancy...it was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It was HUGE. BUT, this was the mid-80s, so it's not like it was that old). ANYWAY...it was summer and it was Texas and it was HOT, so I decided that instead of walking the three blocks to the swimming pool, I would drive there. You know, I'd get home long before my mom got home from work and no one would be the wiser. Of course, my mom came home from work EARLY and showed up at the pool pissed off and I was grounded for like, a month. Way to celebrate, right?

It was just like this only red.

12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? Oh, I can't parallel park to save my life. I just drive around and around until I find a space I can pull into. That's why I leave for class early. SugarPlum is learning to drive right now (I KNOW, RIGHT?) and I told her she'd better get her Daddy to teach her to parallel park while she's up there with him. That man could parallel park a Mac truck. It's ridiculous.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, I'm not that cool. Or slutty.

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  In person or on the internet?

15. Which shoe do you put on first? Whichever one I find first.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  I have been to a drag show. Does that count?

18. Girls   rule, boys drool. 

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Ummm, me?

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? What kind of a slut do you think I am? Don't answer that.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.  (to borrow from Lauren) "Cow-tipping is mean.  How would you like if if you were just sleeping in your own bed and then suddenly you woke up on the floor with a couple of drunk cows hovering over you, mooing in amusement.   You would feel fucking scared right?"

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?  Usually one of my kids. Depends on whether anyone has wet the bed.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? My sophomore year of high school, this boy named Charles wanted to ask me to homecoming, but he was nervous. So, like a day or two before, he finally handed me a note with this poem written on it asking me. I don't have it any more, but I remember that it started, "Roses are red, Grass is green, I am a coward and you are a queen..." I had SO MUCH fun at homecoming with him that year. We stayed good friends until we graduated. I sure wish I could find him. Anyone from Candyland HS know whatever happened to Charles Green?

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? EW. How gross are you?

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? My parents' bedroom still has the original 1970's green shag carpet. That's mighty questionable if you ask me. Also? Nasty.

26. What was your childhood nickname? My mom's side of the family (being from West Texas & Oklahoma) all have double names - Tommy Ray, Lena Faye, Katie Beth, Bessie Jean, you get the picture. My name is very long and has lots and lots of syllables. So most of my life, I was called Buffi Lou. Also, my daddy still calls me "Pete" and 2D Bug. I have no idea why.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I might do that when I'm goofing around with the boys. I remember these guys in college whose house we would go hang out at on the weekends, we called it "The Homestead." As it would get later, when certain songs came on they would hold their hands & arms like they were playing guitar right against their chests. They called it playing "titty guitar."

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? Oh, my no. Have you SMELLED a men's locker room? I can barely stand to walk by.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  I have three kids. I cannot think of all the weird things I've done while driving. Administered spelling test? Changed clothes? I don't know. I may have to come back to this one.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? Mine? No. 

31. How do you eat your cookie? Out of the vicinity of the children, lest I have to share.

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? HAaahaa!! "When working out at the gym?!" That's the funniest assumption I've heard all day. 

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I don't know. I'm pretty shameless. 

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I really don't get drunk anymore because the hangovers last for DAYS. Although, if you ask my cousin, a bottle of mojitos will definitely kick my ass, no matter how thick that glass is. (totally inside joke that only one person is going to get, sorry)

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? ::sigh:: Not on purpose.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every time I see the Q-Tips. It's a weird compulsion.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Really?

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  Ew. Haven't counted. Don't plan to.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? I really hate crowds. I don't know that it's a phobia, but it's definitely an aversion. Also, I sometimes have to take a Xanax before I can go into WalMart. True story.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Mmmm...not that I can remember.

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Early in my marriage to SD, we were at the Officers' Club one night and I decided that I could out-drink a couple of the guys in his squadron. Two pitchers of beer later, it got ugly. We'll leave it at that.

4. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  See above: two pitchers of beer.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Nope. Never.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? Well, yes. Because I date human beings, not robots. 

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Oh, my. No.

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? I think probably in college there were a couple of mornings where I showed up to sell shoes still a little tipsy. I'm not proud to admit that.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? Didn't Justin Timberlake do that a few years ago? Yes. Yes, he did.

The "C" Word ( among others)

So much - too much - has happened over the past year or so. Much that I cannot (or rather choose not) to make too terribly public. Although there are people in my life *ahem* who would beg to differ about that last point, but I won't go into that either. Suffice to say, I have no desire to make this into another navel-gazing post about why I haven't posted. Or maybe that's exactly what I'm about to do. Who can tell?

It's funny when you have a blog that was at one time very frequently updated because then as your life gets to a point where you aren't blogging for whatever reason, you feel that you must explain why it is you've been absent. Only, you really don't want to explain, so you put off writing for even longer and it turns into a vicious cycle and suddenly, you find that you are blogging seasonally at best.** So, I'll leave it at this: We are all good. I hope that you both all had a lovely Thanksgiving, a fabulously blessed & joyful Christmas and that the New Year brings all the happiness in the world.

That should hold me till at least March, right? (Also, SugarPlum turns 15 next week. FIFTEEN. Oh. Em. Gee. Who let that happen?)


Now, I shall share a little story that sums up my life quite nicely these days. It takes place in the van yesterday after we dropped SP off at a friend's house. The boys were doing their "annoy the crap out of Mommy" thing and coming very close to making my head explode. I said something about them needing to take it down a notch or there would be unpleasant consequences. In the spirit of throwing your brother under the bus, this exchange took place:


Bug: "Bear said the "c" word today."
Me: "You know tattling is not o....WAIT, he said wha?? What "c" word did you say?"
Bear: .....
Me: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
Bear: (hesitantly) "um, 'crap'...."
Me: (small sigh of relief) "Well. Hm. That's not nice for kids to say. So, uh, don't say that."
Bug: "What? 'Crap'?"

And this is why I only have two kids now....

**Also? You find yourself writing ridiculous run-on sentences that will probably make you cringe once you take the time to actually LOOK at what you've written. AND THEN, you begin to wonder why you are writing in second-person since that seems awfully affected but you can't seem to find a way to stop, so you just keep typing until you decide that perhaps you should just hit "PUBLISH" already and get your butt to bed. Or not.

Arrr arrrrr

(If you begin to feel offended by this post at any point, please see the note at the end.)

Due to the big (ish) move and the big changes and the slight bullying issue, my boys have been attending a private Christian school here in Candyland. It's ironic because I have spent the past eight years singing the praises of the Candyland Independent School District. Because honestly, the public schools here are fan-freakin-tastic. My kids have all been blessed with wonderful teachers almost every year and have learned so much. In fact, SugarPlum has remained at the junior high she's been attending since the sixth grade and next year she will go to one of the three fantastic high schools that CISD has to offer. (Heaven help me) Really, you can't go wrong when it comes to high schools here, especially.

But...(you knew that was coming, right?)

Bear needed a fresh start. A place where he felt safe and could count on some spiritual guidance as well as an almost zero tolerance for any kind of bullying. And Bug...well, my little Buggy is one smart kid. And he was getting bored and failing to see the point of doing the work at school last year. Oh, he was making good grades but he was also making his teacher (who was amazing) and his mommy insane. He really likes having attention. And since the State of Texas has mandated that there can be up to 22 students to a class in the lower grades, it makes it hard for a smart guy to get attention when the teacher is having to devote time to the kids who don't get it. It's not the teacher's fault. I've been in her shoes. 22 Kindergarteners. One me. Not good. So, in order to get attention, Bug was acting out and getting in trouble. More and more often. I feared for what second grade held for him.

I decided that, for these and a host of other reasons, my boys needed the guidance and supervision on a private, Christian school. They have really flourished there. They both love that they get to study the Bible and that they have chapel weekly. Bear comments often about how he has friends and how he doesn't feel so sad and picked on. Bug's teachers have recognized how smart he is and also how easily distracted and bored he can get. And since there are only ten (yes TEN) kids in each class, they are able to keep closer tabs on him and change their tactics with him to keep him challenged and engaged. I LOVE it.

Here's the thing. Since the classes are so small, they are able to do little plays and presentations that the parents are invited - nay, encouraged - to attend. These little things only last a few minutes, but they require a huge chunk out of my day to plan around them. They usually fall at just about the time I need to go pick up SugarPlum. Also? They are mind-numbingly boring.

Maybe it's because this is my third kid, but honestly, the ten minute vignette Willie the Walrus is something I feel like I can go the rest of my life without seeing. Just like the Johnny Appleseed "play" they did in the Fall. Problem? All the other mommies show up, video camera in hand, to see their little angels and Bug is left feeling like his mommy doesn't care. No, really, he said that. For reals. And so, I will trudge myself up there in the middle of a busy Wednesday afternoon, the day after MY school starts to watch Bug go "Arrr arrr" in his three second role as a sea lion (I KID YOU NOT). I will take care to be ON TIME this time because I was a few minutes late to the Johnny Appleseed play and they were already finished. So they performed it again. Just for me. Oh, yes they did. And all the other, good mommies looked at me with their "tsk tsk" faces the whole entire time. Which meant that I had to applaud like the entire Barrymore family had assembled to perform Macbeth for my sole benefit.

My only plea...is there any way that perhaps we could find a way to serve cocktails at these little theatrical events? Just a small cordial would really go a long way in helping motivate me to get there. A small glass of wine, a mini-martini....something? It doesn't have to be huge. Just enough to get me through the tedium. Just consider it, Candyland Christian School. I know I'm not the only mom who feels this way.

Also, the Family Night/Silent Auction? Would raise a LOT more money if you had an open bar. Just sayin.

***Please recognize how very tongue-in-cheek this post is. I LOVE seeing Bug and all the kids perform and wouldn't miss it for the world. I love and adore each and every teacher at CCS and wouldn't change one single thing about it.****

***Also, I am not advocating drinking at school events and would never, ever even consider drinking and driving my children anywhere. Or anyone. Or even just me. Oh, for crying out loud, you get what I am saying, right?!!***

Last minute list....

Turkey? Check
Dressing? Check
Cranberries (fresh)? Check
Ginger (for cranberry sauce)? Check
Green Beans? Check
Potatoes? Check
Gravy? WHOOPS!
chocolate pie filling? Check
whipping cream? Check
Pie crust? WHOOPS!
Rolls? Check
Wine? Double Check
(father-in-law is here, after all)
Pumpkin Pie? (not making from scratch since I found that the local bakery puts mine to shame) ummm...later today

Shopping list for the dreaded "Thanksgiving Eve" trip to the grocery store:
Gravy, pie crust, pumpkin pie, extra whipping cream - because you can never have enough whipping cream...)

What am I forgetting????

Ah, yes. Valium for me, paregoric for the SugarBabies. And? Vodka.

Any other suggestions?

Comversations that make my mom laugh her ass off (10 year-old version)

Me: SugarPlum!

SP: ............

Me: SUGARPLUM!!!

SP: what??? (very distant)

Me: SUGAR!PLUM!

SP: ::walking in, batting eyelashes:: Yes, Mommy?

Me: When I call you, you come here. Don't yell "What," you come the first time.

SP: ::eye roll:: What did you need Mommy?

Me: I have no idea anymore.

*sigh*

Conversations that make my mom laugh her ass off (Theme for the rest of the week)

Remember when your mom told you, "One day you will grow up and have kids and I hope that they will act just like you are now!"! Well, evidently, it worked. And my mother is experiencing unspeakable joy over this fact.

To wit:


Me: ::standing in the kitchen, cooking dinner::

Bear: Mommy, may I please have a cookie?

Me: Buddy, we are going to be eating supper in about 15 minutes.

Bear: So, can I have a cookie?

Me: No, because it's almost suppertime.

Bear: Well, can I have a yogurt then?

Me: Bear! We're eating supper soon! No yogurt.

Bear: Well....a popsicle then? I can have a popsicle?

Me: *sigh* Supper! 10 minutes!! No popsicle!

Bear: But I'm starving!!!

Me: Well, call CPS then because you are not getting anything before supper. Now, go play.

Bear:.........can I have just one piece of candy?

ME: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Ask me anything! (within reason)

Okay, a few posts back, I lost my mind and actually encouraged you people to ask me questions so that I could stock the old blog...as it were. So, here are some of the questions and answers. You people are crazy. Ask more if you want. I promise to try to answer as best I can. Unless you are a smarty pants like Bob here:


Q: Why does string theory require at least ten dimensions?

A: Archduke Franz Ferdinand (hey, makes as much sense as anything else I might come up with.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next question comes from my dear precious friend CRB (who, incidentally is the mother of Buttercup, who should be making her appearance next month):

Q: Why is it that some people don't hear or maybe don't have the little voice in their head that tells them to S.T.O.P what they are doing before someone goes postal on them????!!!!

A: Gee are we talking about any ex-husband person in particular here or is this just something you've been pondering for a while? I have no answer for this one either, though if I did, I would probably be able to write a book, make a gazillion dollars and then we could escape to a spa for a month or so. AND? perhaps hire somebody to "take care of" these problem ex-husbands people of whom you speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karin and Angel asked me a couple of really great questions, but, as I am trying to make this theme last several posts, you will have to wait until tomorrow to see them! Now, what else do you want to know?

SugarBabies Halloween 2007

Everyone here in Candyland just enjoyed the heck out of Halloween this year. Not much trick-or-treating was done, but plenty of candy was cpllected to drive Mommy crazy for weeks to come. These shots were taken just before we went in to our church's carnival.

No, Bug isn't wearing a skirt. I couldn't find the trick-or-treat bags, so we went retro and used pilllow cases. You know, like in the olden days.

Cleopatra hams it up.

In related news.......all Halloween candy faces likely relocation to the bin due to many, many conversations much like the following:

Mommy? Can I have a piece of candy?

No Bug. You just had a piece of candy two minutes ago.

That's okay, I'll get a different kind.

But it's still candy. No.

No, Mommy! It'll taste completely different than the other one. I'm getting chocolate this time.

Wha? No. No more candy. *sigh*

Some days you're the doorknob, some days you're the Giant F'ing Gorilla

Last night, I was the gorilla. And this doorknob pissed. me. off.



Yesterday was crazy. An absolute clusterfuck of activities. Totally exacerbated by the fact that SD was night flying and was therefore unavailable for transporting SugarBabies about town. He's so selfish. Working and all. So, the schedule was this:

3:30 Parent/Teacher conference
4:00-6:00: SP's soccer practice
6:00-7:00: Bug's soccer practice
6:30-??? Bear's Boy Scout meeting

Allegedly.

So, I bust my ass getting back from the conference to get SP to soccer practice on time. And we made it! But? Nobody was there. Because practice actually started at 4:30. No worries. We hung out for a few minutes and some people showed up. I remembered that I hadn't grabbed Bear's Cub Scout uniform, so I ran back home to fetch it and then came back. (Remember this...this is key) We hang out at practice and by 6:00, I needed to go pee. I mean REALLY needed to. And there is no bathroom at the practice field. So, as soon as SP is dismissed from practice, we hightail it to McDonalds, so that I can potty and so that we can get some food.

If you paid any attention to that schedule up there, it required that I be in two places at once. I'm good....but not cloned yet. Bug's practice got ditched. He's four. He'll get over it.

SO. We eat our crappy fast food on our way to the scout meeting - Bear still hasn't changed clothes. We get to the church right at 6:30! Wooo hoooo!! But wait! There's no one here. Not a soul. The doors are locked. the lights are out. CRAP.

Actually, not all that disappointed. I was ready to go home and chill. So, we head to the casa and everyone unloads their crap I go to unlock the deadbolt and discover that someone has locked the doorknob. I don't have a key to the doorknob. SD is flying. Crap.

So, I try hitting the door with my shoulder like the cops on TV do. Guess what. That shit hurts. Also, it doesn't work. So, I try to jimmy the lock with a credit card. That doesn't work either. Last resort? I start whacking the holy hell out of the doorknob with a hammer until it opens. It was actually pretty cathartic. Though, poor SD got home and thought that someone had tried to break into the house.

I'm such a badass.

Just another rambling, disjointed, and slightly whiny post

Seems like every post lately has started the same way....sorry for the lack of posting.

And I really am. Sorry, that is. Also sorry for the lack of visiting everyone else's blogs. I have been severely limiting my computer time lately. I have been trying to give more time to my family and my house and my "real" life in an effort to improve my marriage.

Has it worked? Hell if I know. Husbands are hard to read, you know? At least mine is. I go all along la-tee-dahing for months and years and at time thinking life is all happy and fine and whammo! Not so much. No, I'm not saying anything is wrong per-say. Just that I don't know how things are. *sigh*

The start of school always throws me. Especially this year, since Bug is going to preschool every day. I thought I'd have all this time and get a lot done. HA! Somehow, I have at least two to three appointments a week of some sort or other. I'm really not sure what happens to my time. the only thing I know is I'm not on the computer that's for sure!

Bug started preschool after Labor Day. He is so funny. He was so excited and so freaking adorable. Then he had to go and be....Bug. Yes, my four-year-old got sent to the office on the second day of preschool. Did you even know that preschool HAD an "office" (In the ooooh! you're in troouuuubbblllleee!" sense of the word)? Seems our little rebel didn't want to help his classmates clean up the toys and started throwing blocks. One of which hit a little girl in the face, requiring an ice pack. Thus, the trip to the office.

Later that same day, he was kicking the crap out of some little girl on the play ground.This prompted a teacher to tell him that "We don't do that to our friends!"

To which Bug replied, "She's not my friend!"

Yeah. It's gonna be that kind of year. Heaven help me. It's a good thing he's cute.

Bear had a bumpy start to first grade. He was having trouble staying focused and getting all of his work done. Blessedly, Mrs Firstgrade chatted with me about it on afternoon, telling me that he is such a smart boy, but he needed to really focus and finish his work. She said that it was something that she would work on with him at school as I said I would at home. She was so gracious and sweet about it. I nearly kissed her. It was such a nice change from Mrs Kindergarten. And let me tell you, Bear has already turned around and is finishing his work every day. He's so proud! He had his first spelling test Friday and made 100%! Same for his reading test. He was about to bust his buttons he was so proud. WHEW!

Friday night, SD, Gray Gray and I took the kids to the fair. We all had a good time, though Bug was a little pissy because he didn't get to ride the bumper cars. None of us adults could ride with him. You know, I've had enough "bumper cars" over the last few months to last me for a while! Also, at the fair, my dad got a call that my grandfather had died. He'd been sick for a while, so it wasn't totally unexpected. Still, sad. But mostly weird, because I am 37 years old and until Friday, all of my grandparents were alive. I'm afraid that this is going to be happening more often and to the grandparents I am closer to, which will NOT be good for my mental health. I'm trying not to think about it.

So, I am heading to Houston tomorrow for the funeral. I'm leaving the kids here with SD. Pray for him. Also, I am riding in a car with my parents and brother for several hours each way. Pray for ME. I don't want to go to jail. You have no idea how real that possibility might be. Also? Houston. Heat. Humidity. Emotions. Angst. Family. This can't turn out well.

Hopefully this catches me up. I'll try not to go two weeks between posts, but I don't know how that will work out. Hopefully, I will find a way to balance blogging and the rest of my life. I still need to review the BOB books that MotherTalk sent me (they are fantastic) and the novel, A History Lesson for Girls (wonderful, wonderful!) for another firm that asked me to. I enjoy reading these books and sharing them with you. It's just that lately life keeps coming at me and won't stop. What's up with that?


Must go pack my black dress and other funereal stuff. This should be fun.

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to.....

So, we are back from our weekend of partying (she said, tongue firmly placed in cheek). This was supposed to be a relaxing weekend, spent visiting friends and family. Instead, like always, it felt hectic, over-scheduled and somewhat disappointing.


Now, to those of you I visited this weekend, don't get me wrong. I had an absolute blast seeing everyone and don't regret a minute I spent with you.


For everyone else on the planet (high expectations here), I went home for the 20 year reunion of all my high school friends. Confused? Well, you're not the only one. With one or two exceptions, my best friends from high school all graduated a year before me. So, when it came time for their reunion this year, I was delighted to have been invited to the reunion by a friend who thought it would be nice to have the gang back together. I had every intention of attending all of the reunion events. But over the summer, my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma and started chemo. So, I tweaked my plans some and decided that we would still go to Candyland West this weekend, but I would just go to the dinner and the get together with all of the choir gang on Sunday. Those plans were further altered when several of us realized that the dinner was going to cost $120 per couple. For barbecue. As much as I wanted to attend that dinner, I really didn't want to spend that much. For barbecue. So several of us decided to go out to a nice dinner at one of the better restaurants in Candyland West.

I was really looking forward to this trip. I was so excited to see some of these people I haven't seen in years. And some I hadn't seen in weeks. But Wednesday I started feeling nauseous and it didn't go away all weekend. I don't think I ate more than three bites of anything for several days. On the upside, I lost a few more pounds, so at least there was a silver lining. Of course the cloud inside that silver lining included the migraine that wouldn't die. I'm not sure which the cause and which was the effect, but I had either a headache, a tummyache or both all stinking weekend. Ugh.

THEN! We awoke Saturday morning to the dulcet tones of barking coming from the boys' room. More specifically, from Bear's bed. Crap. It's croup. While SD steamed up the bathroom, I found some benedryl and motrin in the medicine cabinet at Gram's house. Had I brought the nebulizer? No. Of course not. It's summer! He doesn't get croup in summer! Also? I never even thought about it. The steam seemed to help (no ER trip!), so I decided to pull myself together quickly and get up to my old high school for the tour.

I don't recommend this. A high school can change a LOT in twenty years and not all of it will make you happy. By the time I got there, the tour was headed out to the gym. Which has been expanded a great deal and is now two gyms plus a lot more stuff that I didn't see. We started to go into the "old gym" - the one we all remembered - but there was a volleyball game going on and we couldn't go in. But the poor little Student Council (class of 2009!) rep was happy to show us the new gym! Um, yeah. But that is not a part of our past. It's not where we had our pep rallies and saw our beloved basketball team get trounced time and time again.

Back inside. We go through the door back into the school, look to the right and see that the dance studio no longer exists! It appears to have been turned into a janitor's closet. Sacrilege! Then? We learn that the gymnastics gym? Is now the new library. What is wrong with these people. The gymnastics team was the only team we had to brag about!!! And little student council rep/tour guide? Seems PROUD of the fact that the gym was ripped out to make their new state-of-the-art library! FOR SHAME! Why look at all those computers! Back in my day, we had to make an effort to do a research paper. We didn't have computers to look up stuff. We had do dig through microfiche and plow through the stacks to find the articles and books we needed to get that one perfect quote! These kids today have it so easy....

::deep cleansing breath::


That's better. { /rant}


We made our way up to the choir room. Sure that that would satisfy what we came for. But it was locked! Oh! The disappointment. We were all so pathetic standing on tiptoe, peeking int he little windows on the doors. Noticing the what changes we could see. There was much sadness. Luckily, we all made our way down to the auditorium, which still looked and smelled the same. That was happy. We climbed up on stage and forced out significant others to take photos of us as we tried in vain to remember the words and steps to some of our show choir numbers. I think little student council boy was very impressed! You know, if a bunch of old people singing off key and fumbling around on a high school stage is his idea of impressive.

Other tour highlights:

~ Student Council boy telling us how the bell tower is haunted since a person was murdered up there in the mid-80's (you know, waaaaaaaaaay back in the 80's). We told him that we thought we probably would have remembered that.


~ They have elevators now. We reminisced about how we used to sell "elevator tickets" to clueless sophomores. "Now where are the elevators?" "Right next to the swimming pool." Oh, yeah. We were clever.


After the tour, the rest of the gang (read: the people who actually graduated in '87) went tot he picnic. SD and I planned on going over to visit my grandparents, but a wave of nausea gripped me and turned me green and I decided that I didn't need to expose Maw Maw to that or to Bear's cough, given that she has zero immune system after two rounds of chemo. I promised that we would go over Sunday, after the choir gathering.


Dinner Saturday night was good. And, if SD's veal chop alone hadn't cost $42.95(!), it might have been less expensive than the reunion dinner. But the conversation was great, and they had amazing creme brulee which made one of our group declare, "This is what the gods bathe in!" We had a lot of fun, so I suppose it was worth it. Sadly, later that night, my stomach rebelled again and I didn't get to enjoy the fun at the hotel with everyone. This also precluded any visits to see my grandparents Sunday. Much, much sadness.


Our choir party was even more fun than I had hoped! I was happy to see everyone who showed up. I am proud to say that among us, we have the most beautiful, well behaved, smartest group of children in the world. It must be something in the water in Candyland West. It makes for good genes to pass down!


Meanwhile, back in Soccer Land.....SugarPlum played as a guest player for one of the uber-competitive club teams in our town. They have been pursuing her for a while, but she hasn't wanted to make the commitment that the team requires. She had a lot of fun and the team won second place in their tournament. SP is thinking that maybe she would like to play for them next season. I'm not AS opposed as I once was. They only practice twice a week and they are a great group of girls. The parents are pretty cool too. I suppose that the only thing holding us back will be whether we can get a second mortgage on our house to pay the astronomical fees that are required to be on the team. Plus the tournament fees, travel expenses, etc. *sigh* She's ten. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Seem like it's gonna happen whether I'm ready or not.

So..how was YOUR Labor Day??

Yeah. I suck.

Okay, I'll be honest. I don't think that beach post is ever gonna happen. Now that we have been back for over two weeks, it just seems kinda lame. Yet, I have been hesitant to post anything until I tell you both (I'm being realistic now, nobody comes by here anymore as far as I can tell...) about the beach. Because it was great. And relaxing. And I wish that it could have gone on forever.


But we are back home and SD is back to work and the kids are.....dammit, the kids are all at home because some joker in the Texas legislature decided that it would be a great idea to move the start of school back two weeks. Said joker obviously has no kids. Because today it's 103 degrees and they won't even go play outside -- unless it is to play in the hot tub. Where is the logic there? No, they would rather stay inside and beat the shit out of each other and ask me every 38 seconds if they can have another snack. I don't know how we will ever afford them once they are teenagers. Heh. As if they will live into their teens.


So, about the dearth of posts. It isn't likely to get better any time soon. If the beach taught me anything, it was to appreciate the company of my husband and children. I have actually been enjoying SD. We have been having these great conversations (and other interactions *ahem*) sorta like when we were first dating and married. That's been good. And of course, my kids are always freakin' hilarious. Though now, I am able to better appreciate the humor of these crazy kiddos now that I am not the only person responsible for them day in and day out. As a result, I find myself NOT on the computer more than ever while I indulge my family with my loving attentions. I'm sure that will get old soon.

That said, I am sure that my wacky progeny will be committing many blogworthy acts, so things won't be totally dead around here. And, as I said, school starts in two weeks, so once I am able to hear myself think again, perhaps I will start posting a little more regularly. Perhaps....

Happy Tuesday!

Randomness

Ugh. So, we went all weekend with no phone (well, except cells, but STILL) but, more importantly...when we have no phone, we have no internet. Dang. I hate that. I had just posted Friday when my modem looked at me and said, "Well, that's about it for me. I'm done." When I asked the phone about it all it had to say was "ppppsssshhhhhkkkksshhhthtt." Which I interpreted as, "Hmmmmm? Can't hear you! On strike as a show of solidarity with the DSL."

I suppose I should thank the blog gods or something that it was right after I posted and not before. Then I would have been really cranky. As it was all I could think all weekend was, "I just posted and now I won't be able to see my comments for DAYS." Yes, I really am that shallow. Of course, my family enjoyed it. I actually spent time with the children and stuff. What a concept. After a couple of days though, I started going through withdrawls and it wasn't pretty. You may see me on an episode of Intervention soon. I'm sure it will be...enlightening.

The AT&T guy finally showed up at like 7:15 last night and, as it turns out, the phone line is approximately as old as the house. It had weathered to the point that there was a hole in it. Which, in case you were wondering, does not create the ideal conditions for DSL to work. Not to mention you know, phone calls. Phone guy replaced the line and lo and behold - INTERNET! I could have kissed him. Except that he was like 60. EW.

In other news....I finally got my hair chopped off today. I think I like it. It's just weird going from one extreme to another. It's really short. I had lunch with a friend who said that it looks good. We'll see. SugarPlum really likes it. She says that it makes me look older. I'm telling myself that that's a compliment from a ten year old. Don't disillusion me, please. I think it will be good while we are at the beach next week, anyway.

YES! We are flying to Virginia on Friday and checking into our beach house on Saturday. Friday night the Queen and I are taking SugarPlum and the Princess to a Harry Potter thing at a bookstore . Then? The beach. For seven days! WHEEEE! Anyone live in or near Virginia Beach? We'd love to see you! Of course there will be margaritas and other assorted snacks. Or maybe pina coladas. OOH! Or sangria! Decisions, decisions.

That said, I suppose I should finish up the laundry so that I can pack and stuff. Minor details. Happy Tuesday!

Still scratching....

Just a quick update. I'm about to go pick my husband up from the airport.YAAAAAYYYY!!!

So, back to the fleas. BOOOOOO!!! I lied in the last post. Not long after I posted, SP came to tell me that Snazzy was all "bald on one side." And sure enough, she had scratched so much that her whole right side was about bare & covered with oozy spots (hope you aren't' eating while you read this). So, off to the vet we went and he said, "Yep. Fleas." and $268 later, I came home with Prednisone, CapStar, Advantix, and the right size of Sentinal for Yogi. The vet also told me not to feel too bad, that everyone in the city had fleas and that until it dries up some around here, it will continue to be a problem. EW.

After I treated the dogs, In was off to Petco and bought the flea powder that you work into the carpet and some of the spray for where I couldn't get to the carpet. I spent most of the day picking up so that I could do the powder stuff and then ran out of time to do it. So, I sprayed as much as I felt safe spraying to kill the fleas, doused the kids with OFF! and put them to bed. (Sending them to bed covered with DEET wasn't ideal, I know, but it beat having them covered with even more flea bites.

Sunday, I was rocking Bug for his nap and had to literally pick fleas off the child at the same time. GROSS. GrayGray said that he was having to pull them off Bear as well. That was it. I was going to kill those little fuckers (the fleas, not the boys) and I was doing it ASAP.

I went back to Petco and bout six flea foggers and then came home and gathered up every piece of clothing, bedding or towels that was out. Gray took the kids to the movies and Gram and I loaded up all the laundry. I set off those foggers all over the house and then we headed to the laundromat.

LORD HAVE MERCY it was HOT!

We did seven loads of laundry. And made fools of ourselves in the process. I couldn't figure out how much it cost to work the machines. Then we had to figure out where to put the soap, etc. It would have been hilarious if I hadn't been so cranky. I told my mom that we probably looked like Paris and Nicole on the Simple Life. Only with great big asses. Oh, and brains.

We finally got back int he house four hours later and we had ice cream for supper. The kids were gobsmacked. Seriously, Mom? Ice cream? Yes. Ice cream. It was too hot for anything else.

Where do we stand now? Well, I haven't noticed any new flea bites. But I still have the exterminator coming tomorrow and I will be treating the carpet at least once a week. And I still have the heebie jeebies whenever anything brushes against my leg.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to get my husband. And try not to think about fleas.

*scratch, scratch* HELP! *scratch, scratch*

Any advice on how to get rid of fleas in my house QUICKLY? I'll be the first to admit that I am not the tidiest person in the world, but this is ridiculous. The dogs don't have 'em. I took them to the vet a few weeks ago and they didn't have any then and they have been of flea preventative now for a while.

We have had SO MUCH rain lately that I guess that it somehow drove them in. But how, I don't know. Doesn't matter because the kids and I are covered in bites and scratching ourselves in a most unattractive way. Bug and I have it the worst. If I didn't know better, I'd think that we had chicken pox. But last night, SP both saw little bugs hopping on the beds in our rooms. (mama called the exterminator and the exterminator said, "no more buggies jumping on the bed!") EW. Makes it a little had to get a good night's sleep to tell you the truth!

And this is just my FEET, people! My legs, arms and back are eaten, too. But the feet are the worst!

So, any advice will be greatly appreciated. We may have to go stay at a hotel for a night or two so that we can treat the house. I hate this.

Admit it, though. You're itchy all over now, too, aren't you?!

Dear SugarBabies,

Why, oh why do you insist on beating the holy hell out of each other all day? I try to ignore it some of the time on the premise that you need to learn how to resolve conflicts by yourselves and that this is one of the many reasons that I have more than one children. After a while, however the screams become too much (or actual blood is shed) and I have to intervene with such brilliant edicts as, "I don't want anyone touching anyone else in this house for the rest of the day!!"

Other times, I am more sensible and sit you all down and give you long lectures about how we must be kind to one another and that hurting your brother (or sister) is NOT okay. Even if he has the truck you want to play with. Even if he just destroyed your Lego structure. Even if he looked at you with "that smarty-pants smile on his face." It is just not okay. And you will be confined to your bed for an indeterminate amount of time if it happens again.

And it ALWAYS happens again. Why is this? Are you brain damaged? Did you suffer some sort of head injury that I am as yet unaware of (most likely the result of an assault by one of your siblings)? Or are you just trying, yet again to make my head explode? Because, while in theory, that might be wicked cool, in the long run you will regret it because then there will be nobody to make your supper. And if you recall, I'm the only one who knows how to access Zoboomafoo from PBS Kids OnDemand. And really, what would your life be with out that smart-ass little lemur?

*ahem*

So, I beseech you. End the guerrilla warfare. NOW. My nerves are shot and I'm nearly out of Xanax. Daddy will be home in one week and you can go to work then on making HIS head explode. He'll have jet lag, so really it won't be much of a challenge. Until that time, however, please concentrate on familial harmony. Otherwise, I cannot guarantee that Daddy will come home to three kids. And while that idea does hold a certain appeal at times, someone will eventually alert the authorities and then we will have a real mess on our hands. Plus, I would lose that bet with Ms Elizabeth where I said that I could too make it for twelve months without killing one of the children. And I could really use that five bucks. So, if nothing else, let's do this for the money, shall we? It's all about the BenjaminsAbrahams.

All my love,

Your Mommy


PS As of today I have been blogging for two whole years! SugarBabies need to thank the blogosphere for providing this outlet for my frustration and anxiety. Things might have been a lot worse, otherwise!

Meanest Mommy In. The. World.

Did you hear that last night? Did you? The wailing and crying and shouts of protest and the gnashing of teeth. Did you hear it? I swear that they had to be able to hear it at least down to Austin and up to Oklahoma City (Holli?).

That horrible noise was the sound of my boys protesting and wailing about the removal of all toys from their bedroom and into big, black garbage bags. Was it some sort of "ambush" where I snuck up on them playing peacefully in their tidy, organized room?

No.

This was the exact consequence that I explained to them two hours earlier when I sent them into their room to pick up the disaster that they had created over the past 48 hours. I gave them several time warnings. "You only have one hour left!" "Thirty minutes until I come and finish cleaning up!" "Fifteen minutes!" "FIVE MINUTES to clean up, you guys!" "Okay! I'll be in there in one minute!"

And yet, those ungrateful little urchins had the nerve to act surprised when I came in with the Hefty Bag and began depositing toys into it. "No Mommy!! We're picking up! See??!" Yes, I saw that they were picking up right then, but when I walked in they had a good game of Garbage Man going (a game strictly forbidden in this house for several months now) and were, quite honestly doing exactly the opposite of "picking up."

No Mommy! Not my garbage truck! PLEASE not my garbage truck!

MOOOOMMMMEEE!! Don't take my fire engine! I looooooovvveeee it!

But Mommy! I am soooo tired!

Oh! not my dolphin!

That's my astronaut helmet! I Lob it!

Nooooo! Not Superman! (Mommies are like kryptonite!)

That helmet is Daddy's! He's going to be angwy with you!

What are you going to do with them? Throw them in the garbage can? (Answer: No, I am giving them to children who don't have any toys and will appreciate them and take care of them.)

Is this something new? No. Is this the first time I have confiscated toys in big black hefty bags? No. The second? Third? No and no. This is the FIFTH time I have done this over the past few months. SO they know that when I say that I'm going to, I mean it. Just like with almost everything else I say. I DO (usually) manage to follow through with the consequences I announce.

They kept telling me that they want Daddy. I had to inform then that Daddy was behind this plan 100% and that he would be doing the same thing were he here. He'll be here in twelve days. Won't they be disappointed when I'm not reprimanded for my meanness! (You'd better back me up on this, mister.)

Have I actually gotten rid of any of those millions of toys that I have taken? No. Not yet. Do I have about eleventy thousand bags and boxes of confiscated toys in my garage and dining room? Yes. Yes I do. And I AM going to give the lion's share of them away to the local women's shelter. I plan to sort through and keep out the ones I know that they actually play with and give the rest away. Thing is? After a day or two, they don't even mention those toys any more. Which tells me that these children have entirely too many toys. They may just get cardboard boxes for Christmas this year. They enjoy those more than anything else.

So, if you live near Candyland and you need toys, come on over. I'll be sorting out the baby stuff for Buttercup, but the rest is up for grabs. Lots of Tonka trucks, stuffed animals, and firefighter stuff. In the words of Bill Cosby's wife "I! Have had! ENOUGH! OF! THIS!" On the upside, if they keep this up long enough, it won't take much at all to clean up their toys. Because you can't clean up something that you don't even possess!

PS If anyone gets the bright idea to come toward MY bedroom, hefty bag in hand? Just save yourself the energy. I'm all fired up for a good fight and probably won't hold back. I've got a good three weeks of pent up anger at many, many different people and events and if you shake that bottle, it's gonna blow. Besides I'm sooooo tiiiirrred!

The consequences of teaching children the correct terminology for their body parts

The Google pervs are going to LOVE this post. *sigh*

I swear to L. Ron Hubbard that this is ALL true. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The discussion in the bathroom

Bug: Mommy, where does your tee-tee come out?

Me (thinking, Lord, I'm not in the mood for THIS conversation right now) ::trying to remain cool & nonchalant:: Out of my urethra, just like yours. Only girls' are tucked up more inside than boys'.

Bug (looking skeptical, but not sure how to respond): Well, then, where is your scrotum?

Me: Girls don't have scrotums. (scrota? scroti?)**

Bear: (looking absolutely horrified) Well then....where do you put your testicles??

Me: *sigh* Girls don't have testicles. We have ovaries and they are up inside of us about right here (pointing at lower abdominal area).

Bear: SugarPlum, too?

Me: Yes, all girls.

Bear & Bug ::silently exchange knowing look that says, "Clearly, WE got the better end of that deal!!"::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The discussion in the dressing room

Bug walked in just as I was getting dressed after a shower....

Bug (with furrowed brow): Hey! I saw hair down there.

Me (once again trying to act like this is no big deal): Yeah, that happens to grown ups. They all get hair in weird places.

Bug (looking at me like I am crazy): WELL. Daddy has a penis!


aaand he stomps off

::Thank you, my little Freudlet::

**evidently it IS "scrota", because when I spell checked that is the option that was NOT highlighted. Who knew? See! I'm informative as well as humorous!

Why was six scared????

The word random has become a staple in my daughter's vocabulary as of late. Almost as much as like. So when Mother Chaos tagged me with this meme "Eight random things about me," I had to giggle. And then put it off for several weeks like the procrastinator I am. So....here we go.

Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged, and to read your blog.


1. I have a marked aversion to crowds. I get very claustrophobic and irritable when I am in a place with a bunch of people. This really precludes my attendance at concerts and trips to amusement parks. It's why DisneyWorld is almost completely out of the question.

2. I also have a totally irrational thing about noise. It makes me crazy. Having two boys under six makes this a lot of fun.

3. As you can imagine the idea of a sensory deprivation room is very appealing to me.

4. I am considering chopping all (or most) of my hair off. Seriously. My hair is just past shoulder length right now. But I am feeling very old and frumpy. I'm thinking a pixie cut like this is what I may go for. I have an appointment for a haircut Tuesday, so I may do it. Except you know I'll chicken out.

5. The Kary May mafia is stalking me. (Name of well known cosmetics company change to avoid potential lawsuits. Heh) I don't have any problem with that company in and of itself. HOWEVER...there are people at my church who sell it who can't seem to have a conversation without it somehow coming back to Kary May. And one friend in particular who keeps popping up in the halls at church "recommending" products to me and trying to get me to host some sort of "party " at my house. Which is hysterical, given that A) I so very rarely wear make-up, and B)I hardly ever have people over to my house because I don't like to get it clean enough. (although SD swears that this will change when he gets back...we'll see)

6. Now that summer is here, along with trips to the water park and our impending beach holiday, the issue of swimsuits rears its ugly head once again. For the past, oh, eight or nine years, I have preferred (read insisted upon) buying swimsuits with skirts. Yes, I have a ginormous ass, but it is more a matter of shaving. I don't like shaving "that area." And don't even talk to me about wax. I think I have covered that before.

7. Speaking of warm weather...I am a beyond white. It's true. My skin almost glows in the dark. And no amount of sunshine is going to tan it. I have two states: white or burned. I'll take white, thankyouverymuch.

8. Now that SugarPlum has completed fourth grade, I am quite certain that I have reached the limit of my ability to help her with her math. It took me three tries to pass College Algebra for crying out loud. And that was mumblemumble years ago. Thank heaven her daddy will be here to take care of math from here on out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there. I did it. Eventually. Are you happy now? I know I'm supposed to tag eight people, but trying to come up with those eight might just delay this post for weeks more. So...you, you, you, you, you, you, you aaaaand you. Heh. If you do this meme, leave me a comment to let me know so I can come see! And link you!

**BONUS POINTS if you know the answer to my riddle!**

Hiya! Still alive!

Thank you for all of your nice emails concerning my health and well being. I was at Candyland West (also known as Gray Gray and Gram's house) when not helping CRB and friends rehab her old house so that she can sell it. I am exhausted. And I did maybe a third of the work that pretty much everyone else did. But heavens! The drama! It was enough to wear anyone out. I am stunned that nobody was injured and that nobody ended up in jail. Seriously. Prima Donnas may be the death of me. But we did a kick ass job and, as far as I can tell, are all still friends. More or less.

Sadly, as I have mentioned before, Gram and Gray no longer have internet access. That sucks. I DID bring my laptop thinking that maybe I could make it to a coffee shop or something for a minute. But I am such a dork that I didn't bring the charger.

End result? I went twelve days offline. TWELVE DAYS people. No internets. If I hadn't been so busy, I would have been having withdrawals. As it is, I was so tired at night, that it didn't really affect me. Though I don't think we were home ten minutes before I turned on the computer. Ostensibly to print out the form that we need to send in for SugarPlum to go to church camp next week with her two best friends here. (And lawd, please remind me to tell you all about the insane momma of one of these girls. That woman is twelve kinds of crazy. Seriously, I may have to redefine Batshit Crazy.) But really, we all know why that computer got turned on and why, six hours later it is still on.

Two hundred fifty four emails, my friends. A great many of those were deleted w/o being read, of course. Those from amazon.com, overstock.com, eBay (are we sensing a trend?), and all that stupid spam. So, if you sent me something that needed a reply and haven't gotten it, it is entirely possible that I deleted it. I apologize. Resend it and I promise to follow up.

But not right now. Must sleep. Vacation Bible School starts Monday morning and I will have thirty second graders waiting for me. Yes, clearly, I am insane. Pray for me!