Saturday, August 13, 2005

SugarBug's Story part 2

Part 1 of this story turned out much longer that I realized it would. I didn't know how cathartic it would be to tell that part. I had so much anger and fear that I guess I never let myself get out. This part has been much more difficult for me to write. There are so many emotions wrapped up in that time. I have a great deal of guilt over the things I said and felt. I've been writing in fits and spurts. More than once, I have just deleted the whole thing and started over. I apologize for keeping you hanging. Hopefully, it will be worth it.

After I came home from the hospital, I was very weak and very tired. The effects of
early pregnancy paired with profound anemia from the blood loss left me exhausted and unable to do much. Luckily, SugarDaddy was in a training program that was pretty easy and was able to take on the bulk of childcare and housekeeping. I had a lot of "morning sickness. With SugarBear, I lost 10 lbs before I started gaining any weight. Seems like I lost even more this time, but I can't remember.

We waited a long time to tell SugarPlum about this baby. The ectopic before SugarBear, we told her as soon as we knew and were faced with having to explain why there was no longer a baby. We told her about the baby we lost but not the on that was growing now in my belly. Most of my family knew, so we decided to tell her after Thanksgiving, to avoid any awkward situations at Christmas. She was happy and said that she hoped it was a girl. I did, too. I was already having "middle child guilt" over SugarBear and if he couldn't be the youngest or oldest, I hoped that at least he could be the only boy. My due date was on his birthday.

The rest of my pregnancy progressed rather unremarkably, thankfully. I went to my OB appointments, avoiding Dr. Dingbat as much as possible. The other two base OBs were very good. One was very dreamy looking and had a soothing, confidence inspiring personality. The other was very tall and had a dry sense of humor that I always appreciated. He is the one I saw after my first trip to the ER. I didn't like him then, but I probably wouldn't have liked anyone then. After I figured out his personality, I enjoyed my appointments with him. He was very competent and treated me like I knew what I was talking about. I always hate being treated like an idiot. This was my third baby & I know what to expect, for the most part. The other person I saw was the Nurse Practitioner. Whenever I mentioned Dr. Dingbat, they all kind of smiled nervously and changed the subject. It was like they knew she was incompetent & it just wasn't discussed. Something you should know is that military doctors cannot be sued for malpractice. So, the bad ones tend to stick around, because it is safe. That's socialized medicine for you.

I had the normal 20 week ultrasound and found out that it was a boy. We were a little disappointed, but overjoyed to know that he looked healthy and perfect. SugarPlum suggested that perhaps it was a girl "who just had her finger sticking out down there." We got a good giggle from that. The OB said that the placenta looked a little low and ordered another ultrasound a few weeks later. Things looked better after that one and the sonographer printed a picture of SugarBug that said, "Still a boy!" for SP. I was relieved that he was okay. My good feelings about him started to outweigh my bad ones. I was still conflicted, but could see God's hand in this. How could you not?! We joked that we were going to name him "Will" since it seemed to be God's will that he come into our family. I said that I was going to name him Braxton-Hicks because from about 22 weeks on I had contractions almost every day. I still find pieces of paper with times written in a row, from timing contractions.

My first two babies were three weeks early. I fully expected him to be at least that early. Mostly I didn't want to be in the hospital on SugarBear's birthday. I had them start "checking me at 36 weeks. I was at 2 cm forever. The OB offered to strip my membranes at 37 weeks, but I told him to wait, because I wanted to be able to go to SugarPlum's school picnic. But at my next appointment, I told him to strip away because I was beyond ready! My mom had already been in town for a week or two so that we wouldn't have to worry about the kids. I went home from my appointment that morning and started having contractions late that afternoon. My labor with SugarPlum was 28 hours from the time I woke up with the first contraction. With Bear, it was about 14 hours. Going on the "half theory" I figured I had 7 or 8 hours this time. I called SD, who was at church for something & he told me he would be home as soon as he could. I called the clinic to have them page the doctor on duty. Guess who it was. Yep. Dr. Dingbat. I cussed a blue streak right there in the kitchen, right in front of my kids. In retrospect I should have demanded someone else. I had no idea that I could do that.

We got to the hospital sometime around 7:30. They took me into triage to check me & I was at 4 cm and nearly 80%. And my contractions were already pretty strong & regular. I was happy because I would be getting an epidural soon. From the man with zero personality or sense of humor. I swear I tried everything to get that man to smile & he just looked at me like I was an idiot and I was totally inconveniencing him with my request for anesthesia. Dude, isn't that your JOB? You know you are going to be dealing with laboring women, at least fake a smile for us.

So there we sat in the labor room. We talked, played solitaire, then watched the news. The epidural started to wear off & the nurse checked me. I was complete & ready to push. It was about then that Dr. Dingbat showed up. And she brought a friend! Seriously. She had been out and just brought this other chick with her to the hospital. Me = not pleased. She went to gown up. In the meantime the contractions were making me nauseated and the nurse put the oxygen mask on me. I also demanded an emesis basin just in time to puke my guts up. Dr. D got back and asked if I wanted the mirror so that I could see the birth. That was cool. I'd never seen it before. It hurt like hell. I wanted that baby OUT and pushed like I had never pushed before. She kept telling me to slow down, but I was getting him out now. I saw all of this white blonde hair when he crowned. I was really surprised at how blonde it was and how much hair there was. I only pushed for 15 minutes. We know this because SD pointed out that the weather was just over when I started & the news was signing off as I finished. HA! I remember thinking that I never realized how much blood there was when a baby was born.

He was just beautiful. So blonde, so fair. Just perfect. They took him over to weigh him and SugarDaddy followed to take video and pictures (it was done in the same room). While that was going on, I got the fun job of delivering the placenta and being stitched up. whee! Dr. Dingbat commented, "Huh! How weird! Your placenta has two lobes!" The nurse asked if it should be saved and sent to pathology. Dr. D said, "Nah!"

I got to nurse the baby almost immediately. He latched on and ate like a champ. My dad showed up shortly after that (he had just gotten into town and came straight to the hospital). We marveled at SugarBug and his big wondering eyes. He talked and cooed like he had so much to tell us. I called my grandmother and she was tickled to hear him talk to her. We called a couple of other friends. then it was time to move to a post partum room. The nurses commented on how fair he was and check his oxygen level a couple of times. They noticed that I was very fair and said that they would tell the nursery nurses so that he wouldn't have to have any unnecessary blood tests.

Those first days were good except that SugarBear had a nasty stomach bug and couldn't come to the hospital to see me or the baby. I felt guilty that I couldn't be with him when he was so sick, but my Mom was there and he felt safe with her. The nurses all commented on how fair SugarBug was. One of them said that he was "white as snow." The second day, a very nice nurse named Patrice came to take him down for his circumcision and PKU test. I was feeling pretty mad right then, because SD said that he would be there for that and he hadn't shown up yet. I signed the paperwork for the circ & she took him. A while later, she came back to tell me that he was looking so pale that she had asked the pediatrician to order a blood test. His blood count was pretty low and the doctor would be in soon to talk with me about it. I felt the room spinning out of control. I couldn't breathe. SD still wasn't there and I couldn't reach him on his cell. I called my house and my dad rushed as soon as he could. When SD called I told him what the nurse had said.

The pediatrician was so awesome. He told me that Bug's blood count should be, at a minimum 18. His was 6. He wasn't sure why, he was ordering tests- blood cultures, ultrasound, EKG- to determine the cause. However, the cause was secondary. My little baby needed blood. Now. He had ordered a transfusion, which must be done in two separate parts, and two rounds of IV antibiotics. It might or might not be an infection, but we didn't have time to sit around and wait for test results. I have never been so scared in my whole life. Here was this baby I didn't even want at first and now I might lose him. I prayed and prayed. I felt so guilty for all I had said and thought and prayed about this pregnancy. And now I might lose my beautiful, perfect boy. My miracle baby had defeated so many odds to even be conceived and born. How could this happen?

I'm sorry. I didn't plan on leaving you with another cliffhanger, but I really can't write any more about this right now. I will finish tonight or tomorrow I promise. I need a break from these feelings though. I'm going to go hold my boy.

Part 3<-----click here

No comments: