Sometimes all I can say is.....

GGGGgggggggggAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaRRRRrrrrrrrrrrraaaauuuuurrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
::breath:: AAAAaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::deep cleansing breath::

That's better.

Carry on.

How many little boys does it take to change a light bulb?

Ha HA! That title is a trick question! You see, because the answer should be ZERO! Little boys should not be changing light bulbs at all. Not even if they can easily reach the light on the ceiling fan simply by sitting in their loft bed. Never EVER should a little boy (in this house, anyway) be touching a light bulb. Only grown-ups change light bulbs.

At least that is the message I tried to get across to Bear this weekend after he came into the kitchen carrying a light bulb and telling me, "This burned-ed out. I need a new one." Meanwhile, I'm on the verge of a stroke, imagining the possible electrocution or the shards of glass embedded in my son's hands.

I may have gone a little overboard in my admonishment. I say this because after about the seventeenth "never! Do you understand?" his eyes began to glaze over. I'm certain that he was thinking to himself, "Geez, lady, see if I ever try to help YOU again!"

Other actions we learned this weekend that little boys should never do:

• administer punishment (spanking, scratching, throwing to the floor) because, "He wasn't picking up!"
• pour cinnamon-sugar directly into their mouths from the container.
• anything involving power tools.
• taking hammer to glass. (oh, yes, indeed!)
• fix their own waffles.
• get up before 5:30. *yawn*
• put stickers on my walls, doors and/or furniture.
• climb over the fence to play in the front yard without permission.

Yes, it was a looooong weekend. Some people dread Mondays. In some ways, it's my favorite day of the week. Until school is out, anyway.....

What happens when someone has a twisted mind and WAAAYY too much time on their hands

see more crazy cat pics

please pass the vodka

I was reading an article a few days ago (and now I can't find it, OF COURSE) that said, in essence, that people would be surprised how many mothers of young children are alcoholics.

Quite honestly, after the past several days around here, I am MORE surprised at how many mothers of young children are NOT alcoholics.

Pardon me while I go break up another fight....and then pour another a glass of wine.

Here's a chance to make a fool of yourself

I was really excited when I go the email about this contest. I have been wanting to see Mamma Mia! since we lived in England and I still haven't managed it. Air Force towns are not known for their thriving theater districts. So, when I learned that they were making a movie of the musical, I got very happy. THEN....Mothertalk sent me the email about this contest sponsored by Ponds where I could win a trip to the PREMIERE of the movie in LONDON and how cool would that be?! All you have to do is make a video of yourself and two of your friends singing either Mamma Mia or Dancing Queen. OR you can go to the LIVE auditions in NYC on April 28.

HELLO?! What girl our age doesn't know every. single. word. to Dancing Queen? I sent the link to CRB and told her that she and I need to get together with our friend AR and make the video already and then promptly pack for our trip to LONDON BABY! After all, we spent how long performing together in show choir during high school?! Yes, that was....(really long time) ago. But I know that we've still got it, girls!

Then, CRB (a little put out with me, I might add) pointed out that this contest says that it is for you and "two forty-plus-and-fabulous girlfriends" and just HOW OLD DID I THINK SHE IS ANYWAY since clearly, if I am not over forty, then neither is she?!?!

Whoops.

(Though, my dear CRB, you ARE fabulous.) (Sucking up? Maybe a little. She IS the mother of my sweet Buttercup, so I have to be nice or I won't get to smell the baby's head anymore & that would be tragic.)

SO.....if YOU are over forty (and trust me you really, truly don't look a DAY over 29), then why don't you make the video and win the trip to London to the premiere of Mamma Mia! Just be sure to take lots and lots of pictures and bring me back plenty of PG Tips and Aero bars, and if you can manage it some scones & clotted cream. Oh, and if you see Colin Firth, please tell him that I still love him.

I love a man in uniform

Word is, he is good at helping little old ladies across the street. Plus, he gives killer hugs!

What's happening in Candyland? Not much, as it turns out...

Nothing eventful enough to merit a whole post, so I will bore you to death with a quick bullet list of the minutia of our lives:

• SD's new job is now requiring a lot from me. Actually, I kind of like it, but it is cutting into my internet time. Worth it, though.
• SugarPlum played her last soccer game of the season Saturday. All that's left is a tournament in a few weeks and we will be done with soccer for a while. WHEE!
• However, she is ALSO playing volleyball....which goes to the end of May.
• Junior High registration went well. SP is taking choir AND drama. Good times.
• I totally flaked on an ENT appointment for Bear last week. He still has one tube in his ear and the Dr is somewhat concerned about it. If it isn't out by now, he may have to have it removed. I'm not sure how that works...
• Bug has figured out how to read and spell. There goes the last one that we could "spell" around. "Think we should go for i-c-e c-r-e-a-m?" D-a-m-m-i-t.
• Bug also has his first big crush. On a little red headed girl in his class named Lisa. She is a sweetie. MAN he is head over heels! "Mommy, I love Lisa. I want to ma-wy her!" I guess I should start planning the rehearsal dinner!
• BIG NEWS! I have given up Diet Coke! I know, right? I was having waaaaay too many migraines and though that maybe my copious consumption of aspartame might have exacerbated the situation. It hasn't been too hard. Though now, I am addicted to AnTEAdote Organic tea. I get it from my favorite tea site, Adagio. My favorites are the white, black and oolong. Much healthier!
• SP has a mystery rash on her torso that was bothering her enough to go to the nurse and even come home. I'm taking her to the dr tomorrow. If she's willing to miss school for it, it must be something.
• I am totally procrastinating because I really need to fold my 384th load of laundry of the day AND clean the kitchen. *sigh* Some days the glamour of this whole job doesn't quite live up to the brochure.

PSSSSSST! You can wake up! It's over now!

Say it isn't so!

Tonight, I take my daughter - my BABY GIRL - to get registered and pick her schedule for JUNIOR HIGH.

How the hell did that happen?

Day before yesterday, she started Kindergarten. Now? Jr. High. I suppose that now, you'll be telling me that in two more days, she'll be getting married.

And I say, NO. No, she will not be getting married, because she will not be dating BOYS. Do you hear me. She will be 11 for the rest of her life. Yes-indeed-ee-doodle.

I ask you - does THIS look like a girl who is in junior high?

*sigh* I know. Yes it does. It only gets harder from here, doesn't it?

Prepare to see this again next month when I register Bug for Kindergarten....

Just so you know...

There are many things that get on my nerves as a mom. Loud noises. Repetitive noises. Loud, repetitive noises. Whining. Loud, repetitive whining. Asking for candy every. single. blessed. day. after school. You get the picture.

But one of the biggest banes to my maternal tranquility is TATTLING. Lord have mercy, that drives me nuts. If someone isn't causing damage to person or property then just keep it to yourself already! Unless someone or something is on fire or bleeding from his or her eyeballs, I don't want to hear about it!

• "Bug isn't picking up the toys!"
• "Bear said a potty word. You wanna know what he said? Do you? He said POOP. And, also? He said BOOTIE."
• "The boys are just playing in their closet instead of getting dressed!"
• "SugarPlum is calling me names! Plus, also, she won't let me play with that ball I like!"

It never ends. The other problem is that the tattling almost always results in the bickering (I did not! Did too!), but that is another post entirely. No matter how many times or how many different ways I tell them to CEASE WITH THE TATTLING, they still seem to feel the need to come and report to me every minute action of their siblings. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Occasionally, I have sort of, um. spontaneously combusted and maybe, a little bit yelled at them for tattling. Usually this is in the car when I am right there bearing ACTUAL WITNESS to the acts about which the tattler is tattling. I have come close, but have so far avoided screaming "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?!" But, oh, it's there my friends. On the inside, just under the surface, it's there.
The one who really gets me is SugarPlum. She's ELEVEN YEARS OLD for crying out loud. She knows better. Yet she can't help herself. She does, however think that she has found a loophole in the whole "No-Tattling" clause of the Parent/Child Contract for Peaceful Living(tm). It seems that, in Eleven-Year-Old-Land if you preface any reporting of any kind with the phrase, "Just so you know..." it is no longer tattling. Just simply a relaying of information. As in

• Just so you know, the boys are playing in their room instead of going to sleep
• Just so you know, the boys are playing in the mud and are both reeeeaaaalllly covered.
• Just so you know, the boys have gotten themselves some chocolate pudding for a snack even though you told them they could only have fruit or cheese.

See? She isn't tattling. She is just giving me information to act upon as I see fit. If her brothers get into trouble for it, more's the better. But she isn't tattling. No siree Bob. Not her. She just wanted me to know.
Note to SugarPlum: Just so you know, I may ka-splode the very next time I hear that phrase. There could be collateral damage. You act upon this information as you see fit.

It's not easy being green

Yes, yes, ANOTHER review**. I truly have been reading A LOT lately and I feel lucky to have been afforded the opportunity to see some books I might otherwise overlook. (Thanks Mother Talk!) To wit....

I struggle with the whole "Green" thing. I want to recycle, I really do. But I am very lazy. As such, I will gladly separate out recyclables - if you will come to my house and pick them up for me. Well, maybe not YOU personally, but someone. Otherwise, in spite of my good intentions, those bottles and newspapers are going into the trash. I suffer tremendous guilt over this obvious character flaw. If the powers that be here in Candyland would begin a curbside recycling program, I would be the first to stand up and champion it. I would even be willing to PAY MORE for it. *gasp*

So, you see when I saw the opportunity to read Healthy Child Healthy World: Creating a Cleaner, Greener, Safer Home by Christopher Gavigan, I saw it as an opportunity to assuage my guilt. I was pleasantly surprised to discover a book that explains how and why the little changes we can make in the way we go about our day-to-day lives can truly affect the health and lives of our children right now. It gives realistic suggestions as to how we can make those changes - what household cleaners we use, the foods we buy, the building materials we use - and does it without getting too preachy.

And best of all, Gavigan states more than once that just making one or two changes in our lives can make a difference. This book isn't expecting us to all trade in our minivans for a Prius, start composting, grow our own foods AND spin flax into linen to make our children's clothes. This book is about people in the real world. REAL moms and dads. Those of us who would like to make the world safe and cleaner for our kids but don't know how. Or at least feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. He explains how buying locally grown foods is healthier (duh) but also, in the long run, is going make the air a little cleaner, because then we won't need to transport produce all over the world. (Which, incidentally, would reduce the demand for fuel and bring down gas prices, but that's another lecture for another day.)

He also discusses one of my favorite (or least favorite!) topics - high fructose corn syrup. If you have ever spent any amount of time with me IRL, you have heard me rail against this evil stuff. And HERE IN THIS BOOK, I have in writing the same stuff I have been telling all of you people. HA! These same friends also look at me like I'm crazy when I insist on buying organic foods and read labels obsessively at the supermarket. It's really just that I love my children much more than they love theirs. *snort* (Please know that that last sentence was dripping with sarcasm. Also, please don't beat me up.)

The book also has contributions from celebrities about how the things they do to be "green." I was awfully skeptical about these. Some are very cool and helpful. Some made me giggle, because COME ON. I will never be Gwyneth Paltrow and make my kids' baby food from organic brown rice and organic carrots that I grew myself. And no, I don't have a Prius and don't plan on it. I have three kids and all their accompanying crap to haul hither and yon. I need my minivan.

But, I did find quite a bit to think about. I do think that I can recommend this book to you. If you are interested, the Healthy Child, Healthy World website is also chock full of suggestions and all kinds of information about living a greener life. In the mean time, I will be writing notes of apology to all of my friends who read my blog. LOVE YA!!

**If you are bugged by the reviews here, I am considering moving all of my reviews to another site where I have already started concurrently posting the last couple of reviews. This way, I can mention the book or product, or whatever, and if you want to her about it, you can pop over. Any thoughts??