Doorknobs fear me....

So, those of you who have read here for a while know that I have a bit of a history of with doorknobs. Don't try to keep me out of my house. I have no problem taking out a doorknob. Today was no exception.

A couple of days ago, Snazzy escaped - yes, again. She is one of the original Houdini dogs, after all. This time it was due to the fact that the fence at this house is quite old and should probably be replaced. Tuesday morning, I found Snazzy in the neighbor's backyard, having gotten there via a loose picket in the fence. She couldn't get BACK in our yard though and was very distraught. I found the picket, let her back in, checked for other loose boards (I thought) and then we had a nap. That afternoon, I went to pick up SugarPlum from school and when I got back, Snazzy wasn't there...McGee was, but no Snazzy. She had gotten out on the OTHER side of the yard thru a (missed) loose picket and the neighbor on that side has no fence across the front of her house. Hence, NO SNAZZY. SP begged me to go drive around and look for her, which I did until I had to pick up the boys. Then, we had to take SP and a teammate to soccer practice & then I had class. I was bummed. I had a headache. I was having major anxiety. I totally faked my way thru class that night. But when I got home, Snazzy was here - a lady about two blocks over found her, called & brought her home. Yay!

So...today...I had to go get a temporary crown put on at the dentist (or the "sadist" as my phone auto-corrected it to in a text HHAHA!!). I got home, noticed a picket that looked a little wonky & went out to check it. Both dogs were still back there, so I wasn't too worried. I secured the slightly loose board and then turned to come back in. Only the doorknob was locked. As was every other door to the house. My purse, keys and phone were sitting on the kitchen table. I COULD SEE THEM. But, short of busting a window, I couldn't get to them. Dammit.

I remembered my badassedness of a few years back. Only I had no hammer. So I grabbed the closest thing I could think of - the grill brush. That helped some but it wasn't terribly effective. SO, I scanned the back yard and realized that we have an abundance of loose bricks back there. (I have no idea why, but I wasn't feeling very inquisitive at that point) So, I grabbed a brick and proceeded to knock the crap out of the doorknob. Twice....and then about 900 angry ants came out of the brick. Oops. I survived that unscathed and found another brick that did NOT contain an entire colony of pissed off ants and continued the whacking. Eventually, the doorknob came off. But the door was still locked.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKIN' KIDDING ME. (may or may not have been the precise words used...)

So, I went and pulled the Brinks padlock off of the shed (the only thing in the whole vicinity NOT locked) and used the top part to reach up into the mechanism and try to pull the ring from around it and then get it to unlock. AND? I broke the padlock.

I BROKE A DAMN PADLOCK, PEOPLE. It's like I have super-human strength....only not enough to get my damn door open. I was sweaty. My tooth hurt. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted to be INSIDE my house.

I used the really hard part of the padlock to beat the small parts of the mechanism again and then used the other half of the U that hadn't broken off and fiddled around with the odd bits inside the doorknob mechanism (also cussed a little) until FINALLY the door popped open. I was so happy. And feeling very empowered. With the exception of my tooth throbbing now and the growing migraine. But I DID have the presence of mind to take a picture to prove once again what a badass I am. Because - seriously, GO ME! Also, I took the time to post it on Facebook. And write an entire blog post about it. Because that's how I roll....

Moral of the Story: Don't piss me off. Especially if there are bricks around. Ants optional.

Cynical much?

I got a review copy book in the mail today from a PR firm who shall remain nameless - mostly because I think that they are really nice & I don't want to burn any bridges (or cut off my book supplier). Inside the front cover was a bookmark with a quote that, I think, was supposed to be deeply profound:

"If you were far out in space, you would see that the sun neither rises nor sets, but that it shines continuously"

~Eckhart Tolle

WTF does that even mean?

You know, if you were far out in space, you'd better hope like hell you were in - or attached to - some sort of space craft or the rising and/or setting of the sun would be the least of your worries.

Yeah. It's Monday. And I'm crabby. Got vodka?

A leeeeeetle freaked out here.....

So, my mom calls last night, a little after 10:00. I was in bed, reading & just about to turn off the light. Honestly, I thought that the call was for SD, since his job brings late night calls several times a month. But...no. It was my mom.

She tells me that my brother had been assaulted when he stopped to get gas for his girlfriend's car. He got out, started pumping and the next thing he knew, there was a fist hitting his face, knocking him to the ground. Then the guy took off. My brother's wallet, watch and a laptop were in the car & the guy took nothing.

Then my brother evidently drove back to his girlfriend's house and she totally freaked out. She took him to the ER where they determined - as of last night, anyway - that he has a broken jaw and one of his teeth got knocked out. They were going to do a CT scan to see if he had a concussion and to make sure that he hadn't inhaled the tooth, since he couldn't find it. How scary is that?

This happened in the "good part" of town - a gas station on a major intersection in the early evening. The police managed to get the surveillance video. They didn't see the guy's face but they did get his license plate. They seem to think that it was a case of mistaken identity. Someone who was planning to kick some guy's ass then realized he had the wrong guy & took off. Especially since my brother wasn't robbed. Regardless, I told my mom (who couldn't bear to go to the hospital & sent my dad) to make sure that all of the doors were deadbolted. Because who knows if it wasn't someone he knew and who is CRAZY?!

My brother has made some really, really bad choices in his life and has suffered the consequences of those choices. He's like a living example for my kids of what NOT to do. In spite of that he is one of the sweetest, most caring, empathetic people I have ever known in my life. If he loves you, then there is truly & honestly nothing he wouldn't do for you. He adores my kids and they adore him. My heart has always hurt for him because he is simultaneously the toughest and most fragile person in the world. He takes things so personally and feels things very deeply.

I'm just scared for him right now, though. I really hope that the police are right & this was just a random case of mistaken identity. Because I hate the thought that someone is out there who wants to hurt my baby brother! But if I do find out who did this, I may have to unleash some big sister revenge. Because even when we are middle aged, nobody better mess with my baby brother!

***UPDATE***

Spoke to my dad this morning & my brother's jaw is broken in two places and the tooth that got knocked out broke off, leaving the root (also the site of one of the breaks, the other being where fist met jaw). OW. He is scheduled for surgery this afternoon and will have two plates in his jaw and lots & lots of stitches. No word from police yet. Good times.

**UPDATE #2***
He's in surgery now. His jaw was actually broken in three places. Both joints and then around his chin - something about the force of the impact going all the way through. He'll have three titanium plates put in and then the dr will try to but his teeth all back the right way. I'm thinking I'll get him a milkshake machine for Christmas.

**POST_SURGERY UPDATE***
He did really well in surgery. He ended up w/ four titanium plates (two in his chin!) and 26 screws in his jaw. ZOWIE! He seems to be okay. He was talking a little bit last night. And that tooth that got knocked out? There was no tooth knocked out. What looked like a broken tooth on the x-ray was actually the break in his jaw bone. It was so huge and jagged that it looked like a broken tooth. (Yeah. Insert expletive here.) I'm buying him a hockey mask.

Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts & messages. It got me through yesterday! I love you guys!

Again, where was my camera?!

Driving home from, yes, another soccer tournament yesterday, we passed the Adult Video & Bookstore that is out in the big middle of Nowheresville. I have mentioned it before, not that long ago. Well, this time SD was with us and he was the one who noticed the sign that said:

Adult Video sale! RISE TO THE OCCASION!

Seriously? I have to hope that the meant to do that.

Perspective

You know, no matter how many lost wallets, extracted gall bladders, screaming kids, marital issues and other crap I have endured, never in all my days have I had to deal with what Lisa has had to deal with today. Never have I had to contemplate telling my children and everyone else that I love that I, most likely, am dying. AND? That while I am getting sicker and sicker I don't know how we will afford to put food on the table or a roof over our heads. It is a nightmare that I can't even let myself imagine. And yet, Lisa is living it. Right. now.

And to make things even more unbearable, someone is trying to take advantage of her situation to make himself look good. How is it that parasites like this are allowed to continue existing on this planet? Incomprehensible. And disgusting. That's what that is.

I apologize for every single time I have complained about my life. Because my life is amazing and comfortable and healthy and carefree and wonderful. I wouldn't trade this life or these people for anything in the world. So to those who might not be sure, know this: I love you. I appreciate you. I will not take any of you or any day God has given me for granted.

If there is any way you can help Lisa and her family through this, please try. Even if all you can afford is prayers, I'm sure that they would be welcome. Isn't that what we are all here for? To support each other?

How to make an ass of yourself for three days solid (A Step-By-Step Guide)

1. Go to get your haircut.
2. and one for your daughter.
3. When it's time to pay, realize that you must have left your wallet in the car.
4. Go look in car.
5. Realize that you must - for some unknown reason (probably those rotten boys) - have taken your wallet out at home and left it.
6. Go back in hair place, offer to leave daughter as collateral and run home (with daughter since the hair ladies are terribly trusting) and tear house apart (as well as car).
7. FREAK THE HELL OUT because you can't find your wallet.
8. Call CVS to see if you could have possibly left your wallet there when you went to get (yes, ashamedly) Hairstyle magazines.
9. FREAK OUT EVEN MORE because the lady says your wallet isn't there.
10. Dig out the credit card that you were going to stop using from the desk drawer so that you can go back and pay for the haircuts (which, incidentally, was possibly the worst haircut you have ever received and make note to self to never, ever get hair cut at "Kidz Kutz" ever again).
11. Consider very real possibility that some kid at the hair place took the wallet from your purse during the 29 seconds you turned your back to talk to lady cutting daughter's hair (which, incidentally was the most fantastic haircut ever - maybe THAT lady could cut your hair)
12. Pick boys up from kind friend's house and see if there is any chance that you took your purse in for the 5 minutes you were there dropping boys off and left your wallet.
13. Of course not.
14. Drag everyone home and bribe them all with $5 for who ever finds the wallet.
15. No dice.
16. Admit to husband that though yes, that very day, he escorted you to get a new military ID because you had lost yours just days before, you have now lost your wallet (containing new ID) and it was most likely stolen by some little hoodlum at Kidz Kutz.
17. Consider the very real possibility that the UNIVERSE IS FUCKING WITH YOU.
18. Wait for husband to come home and look for your wallet because he is always great at finding lost things.
19. Still. no. wallet.
20. Call all credit card companies to report stolen cards.
21. Call bank to report stolen ATM cards (yes there were 2)
22. Contact credit bureaus to flag your & husbands SSNs because they are on (brand freakin' new) military ID.
23. Realize that there was a $25 Old Navy gift card, $5 Starbucks card about $85 in cash in stolen wallet. Fucking hoodlum.
24. Realize that only good news is that drivers license was NOT in wallet because you'd had it out all week to get on base w/ the temp pass while husband was TDY (out of town).
25. Apologize to husband 900 times for losing wallet even though he is being very gracious and kind - which couldn't be easy for him - about the whole situation.
26. Sulk, bitch and moan all day Saturday about the little hoodlum who took your wallet even though you know that it won't do any good.
27. Go to Sunday School even though you're still feeling sore & crappy from surgery and grouchy about lost wallet.
28. Yell at children who ask for offering money because ALL OF MY MONEY WAS IN MY WALLET you foolish children!
29. Come home from Sunday School to discover a message on your voicemail from the manager at CVS.
30. Call and discover that your wallet was at CVS all this time, locked in the safe, but that the stupid girl that you AND husband talked to wouldn't even go to the trouble of asking her boss if a wallet was found.
31. Resist urge to curse stupid, stupid girl once you realize that if you had half a brain then you would have put the wallet in your purse and not left it on the counter by the register.
32. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?
33. Throw a big "I found my wallet" Party all day long. (Okay, that's an exaggeration. Perhaps what is closer to the truth is call your best friend and sing the "I found my wallet" happy song and make a total fool of yourself.)
34. Still believe that the universe was fucking with you because, COME ON.

Yeah, a list post. Because it's too hot for paragraphs.

1. The past two weeks have been truly insane around here for lots of reasons.
2. Last weekend was Bug & Bear's birthday party and it went well. NINETEEN children were in my backyard, armed with water guns, water balloons, and other weapons of mass (lawn) destruction. A good time was had by all.
3. And then we all passed out.
4. Last week was Bear & SP's last week of school. I attended the awards ceremonies for both children. Which is always a bucket of fun.
5. Though both kids DID get certificates for All 'A' Honor Roll. (patting self on back even though I had very little to do with it).
6. Bug is on a bit of a tear. And by "a bit of a tear" I mean the child has been a little shit -testing every limit that we have EVER established and falling to the ground screaming when I enforce said limits. Yesterday was the real corker though because he threw a big stinking fit during children's church and our children's minister had to come get me out of the church service. Oh, I was furious. But I did hold it together enough to not yell at him. I didn't even cuss!
7. I'm a little freaked out because Bug is no longer a "preschooler" AND SugarPlum is no longer an elementary school student. I have a child in junior high. That's just wrong.
8. I got notification of my 20 year HS reunion. THAT is seriously fucked up. I am definitely not old enough to have been out of high school for 20 years.
9. I am officially addicted to Twitter. And it is pissing me off because it has been seriously jacked up lately. That flying whale is officially my least favorite thing to see now.
10. I saw this "Cuss-o-Meter on somebody's site (can't tell you who any more). It looks at the first page of a blog and gives you the percentage of cussing yours has compared to other pages on the web. So, mine? 0% Zero. Percent. That is fucking unacceptable.
11. I finally watched last week's episode of "Top Chef" and was dismayed that my secret crush, Spike, had to pack his knives and go.
12. I am consoled only by the fact that "So You Think You Can Dance" is back. I love me some Nigel Lithgow! (And Tice DiOrio is really nice to look at, too)
13. Have twice answered the phone this weekend and impressively restrained myself from saying, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Really, you wouldn't believe how much self-control that took.
14. Finally, my favorite kid-quote of the month: "For breakfast I want a fried egg. No, wait, Mommy. I want a Mond Egg. And tomorrow, I want a Tuesd Egg." Silly boys.

That ought to bump me up on the cuss-o-meter!

originations peltately

I almost NEVER open my spam messages. As I have said before, I have no interest in purchasing anything, work for, or receive an education from anyone who sends out the same email to eleventy gazillion people at a time. HOWEVER soemetimes the weird "Bot" messages that come through just pique my curiosity, only for the WILD word choices. Especially in the title.

Today, this one cracked me out. Maybe comtemplating Bug's last day of school is more than I could handle & I'm just slap happy now. Who knows....



From:armore Draggett


to me


re:originations peltately


God dag,

My photo attachhed! <------ there was a photo attachment but I'm not so foolish as to DOWNLOAD anything from a spammer.


Look what I do!!!


You can too <------- This was a link. No freakin way I'm following that.

And these he suppresses insomuch that the servant and stones of lapis lazuli. Grasping that fierce animal life in all its forms, human existence, and cowards on the other. That
is it, sir nothing visible effort, as if the table had tried to hold tadousac and quebec, and every one has recognized there is a cry overhead and the figure of madeleine epist. ii. 1, 50. Simul ut: rare in cic., see may be obtained from friends.499 in consequence of the campaign, in which he had politely dubbed lying about, with arrows of golden wings scattered mancipation becomes his and in consequence thereof foremost of regenerate persons, filled with wrath, centre of the semicircle bounding my view, and of barbed wire, overturned carts, broken branches.

It's like poetry right? So romantic. ...."scattered emancipation......regenerate persons filled with wrath." It's enough to make you cry, isn't it?

Pomp & Extenuating Circumstances

This year, I did a wacky thing, I put Bug into two different preschools. I decided that after my whole single-parenting experiment last year, I needed for Bug to be in school every day. We had a little too much one-on-one time.

I work at our church's Mother's Day Out on Thursdays and Bug went to preschool there last year Tuesday/Thursday. Since I work there, I get discounted tuition for Bug - $45 a month. 9:30 - 2:30. Can't pass that up! But....it's only two days a week.

So, I got him into a preschool that is just down the street from our house. MWF 9-2. YAY! That pretty much freed up my week. In theory. Except that having more time in your week is sorta like having more storage in your house. It always gets filled up. ALWAYS. But at least I was able to do all that stuff sans kids. (Okay, so maybe a good chunk of that time was taken up by NAPS some weeksdays. Do I make YOU justify YOUR time?)

IS there a point to all of this?

Um, yes.

See, two preschools = two preschool graduations.

Preschool graduations are something that I have a tough time justifying. They are TOTALLY for the parents. Sorta like, "We'd better get our money's worth out of this preschool. HEY! A diploma!" The kids have no idea why they are wearing the funny cap & gown. (One little boy in Bug's class had a COW over wearing a gown. Only girls wear gowns, he told us.) They stand up there and sing their cute little songs, we watch a slide show, we cry, the kids walk up onto the "stage" and get their diploma and then we get cake. Really, it's all about the cake.

Let me just say that I am SO glad that they don't make the whole high school and college graduates sing at their ceremonies. Can you imagine?! What would they sing? No, don't answer that.

SD swears that he remembers his preschool graduation. I don't. I'm not certain I even went to preschool. I'll have to ask Gram about that.

Tonight, we went to the first graduation. Bug was, predictably, adorable. He did some little class clown thing on the stage while they were singing. He's lucky he's cute. Then? CAKE! And? More cake!! Then we had to get them home and to bed. Which is so easy when they are all sugared up on cake. But to sleep they must go because tomorrow....

Graduation #2!

At least it's in the morning. 9:30 in the morning. And then? The after-party! Yes, you read that right. A graduation after party. For preschoolers. That's madness, right? What are they going to do? Slam Capri Suns? Do Jello Shots? With ACTUAL JELLO? I don't really worry too much about make out sessions - you know since girls are gross and all.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have an interesting update with pictures. Since I really can't seem to come up with a good enough excuse to get out of it. And keep an eye on Twitter. I'm sure I'll have plenty of snark to share!

TMI doesn't even BEGIN to describe this post.

So, I had a realization the other day. A horribly embarrassing realization. About a trip to Target. And my period. (Really this is so TMI, I am truly horrified. Yet, I feel compelled to share. And it's too long to put on Twitter, dammit)

I am terrible at remembering when my period is due. SD can tell with uncanny accuracy. As can my children, most likely. I have too many other things to think about. Like ears, bathroom antics and whether or not I have a legitimate mental illness** (as opposed to an illegitimate mental illness)(you, in the back there, hush). I sometimes find myself wondering if, perhaps, I should be on the lookout for Aunt Flo.

Heh.

Looking back, I see that it couldn't have been more obvious. I was at Target walking around, seeking great deals (as you do). By the time I checked out, I placed on the conveyor belt: one bag of Jamaican Jerk potato chips, one bag of Wasabi Mustard potato chips, one bag of Salt & Vinegar potato chips (yes, really), one bag of Sweet & Salty Snack Mix, a box of Dove dark chocolate Promises, THREE tins of Wasabi & Soy roasted almonds, a Hersheys Extra-Dark chocolate bar, two 4-packs of Blood Orange Italian Soda, eight cans of Pomegranate Soda, and (wait for it) TWO BOXES of....tampons. <------all entirely true - I can provide a receipt if necessary. And I had the nerve to be SURPRISED when I got my period a few days later!

Can you imagine the poor kid checking me out?! I practically had a neon sign atop my head that flashed "PMS." I'm not sure, but looking back, I think I may have heard a security alert issued about a "possibly unstable woman entering the parking lot....stay out of her way AT ALL COSTS!!"

But I'm feeling much better now.

**I think that this post should settle that question once and for all.

When to worry.....

Boys in the bathroom, with the door closed, sounding entirely too mirthful....

ME: What's going on in there?

Boy: We're...oh....um.....nothing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know that this won't end well.



*********************UPDATE************************************

So.....Once I go into the bathroom I find out that the boys have discovered, "if you press your fingers up against the faucet and THEN turn the water on? You can make it spray the ceiling!!" As if this were a GOOD thing.

And, I suppose that in the mind of a 4-and 6- year old, it is one of the coolest things EVER.

However, here in Mommy-land, not. so. much.

Because, not only does it spray the ceiling, it also get on ALL the walls, the floor, the mirror, totally soaks an entire roll of toilet paper., gets INTO the medicine cabinet (I have no idea HOW because that thing is practically hermetically sealed when it's closed - and it WAS closed). I also discovered the next day, that water somehow got into the cabinets under the sinks and dampened all of the towels and washcloths stored there. That smelled nice. ONE WHOLE LOAD OF LAUNDRY, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, yes. There was some shouting. And they cleaned that bathroom but good. I felt sort of bad because, until I asked what they were doing, I really don't think that they thought that there was anything reason that spraying water all over the bathroom might be a bad idea. But not sorry enough to drive home the point that this had better never happen again. But I'm not holding my breath. Except when carrying out moldy towels.

Because I can't say this to my children in real life

Just shut the fuck up and stop whining already!!!!!!!!!! The television is staying OFF until all homework is done and all toys put away! When have you known me to waver on this? For crying out loud........

sorry for all of the bloggy-shouting lately. it's either here or actually at the children & I figure you all can handle it better than they can. plus you won't tell your teacher that I cussed at you. I don't need any more visits from CPS.*

*just kidding

Sometimes all I can say is.....

GGGGgggggggggAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaRRRRrrrrrrrrrrraaaauuuuurrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
::breath:: AAAAaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::deep cleansing breath::

That's better.

Carry on.

What happens when someone has a twisted mind and WAAAYY too much time on their hands

see more crazy cat pics

IRATE (warning:profanity laden post. read at your own risk)

To the Motherfucking Asshole "gentleman" driving the pickup on I-35 Saturday:

Dear Dickhead,

What the fuck is your problem? I am nobody to lay much fault on someone for accidentally rear-ending another person while driving. But I STOPPED and accepted the consequences. What kind of asshole runs into someone and then LEAVES?? And especially when it was patently obvious that there likely was a baby in the minivan that you bashed in? Who drives off without at least making sure that everyone inside is okay?!! Fucker.

I will tell you that that was my sweet Buttercup in that van. My precious godbaby. And her big sister, my other god-daughter. And my oldest, dearest friend. You hit her van with enough force that it shattered the rear windshield and glass was found as far forward as the middle row - IN THE BABY SEAT. Bless their hearts, they were all freaked out. Thankfully, everyone was okay NO THANKS TO YOU. Moron.

I suspect that you are:

a) an illegal alien
b) uninsured
c) a felon out on parole, afraid of going back to jail
d) any combination of the above

Guy, you had better hope that I never EVER find you. Because I will tear you to pieces. I hope that you are experiencing some terrible guilt. I hope that you end up having an ulcer and chronic migraines over this. Mostly though, I hope that nothing like this ever happens to you. Because the pain, anxiety and trouble that this has caused for my dear, precious friend is something that I cannot ever wish on anyone.

Should you wish to get in touch with the victim of your unconscionable act, you can get in touch with me and I will let her know. Until then....GROW A CONSCIENCE.

Sincerely,
SugarMommy

PS To all of the other people on I-35 in Dallas Saturday who failed to stop and help a woman who CLEARLY needed help or to even give her the license plate of the asshole who hit her: You should be ashamed of yourselves. You all saw what happened and you all chose to keep flying right past her. It's almost as bad.

(There really are not enough profanities in the world, or this post about you would have been much longer)

Guess who WASN"T my favorite Valentine

Bug: Mommy, you are very old!

Me: Hmph! What makes you think I'm very old, Buggy?

Bug: All those lines on your face!

This is when Noggin looks good to me

Dear Discovery Channel,

First, I would like to thank you for all that my children have learned by watching your programs. My boys now have an incredible store of knowledge in physics, chemistry, biology, and many other scientific principles. I credit MythBusters, and How it's Made with this incredible and vast education that they have received at the tender ages of six and four.

They have also gained an appreciation of the hard work and sacrifice involved in many of the jobs that are overlooked though incredibly vital to our daily lives. All this through Mike Rowe's antics on Dirty Jobs. Thanks to Mike, my children are more motivated than ever to stay in school and go to college, lest they end up cleaning sewers or tanning leather. (Let me pause for a moment and tell you though, that the episode about horse insemination perhaps was more graphic than I would preferred.. I do realize that there are parental guidance warnings on the show, however, so, I'll take the blame for not taking heed. Still. Ew.)

Now you have your new show Smash Lab. Heaven help me. A show about, essentially, blowing stuff up. It's a little boy's dream come true. All I hear all day now, are "kasplosion" sounds coming out of my boys: "psshhhkkkkkwweeeeerrrrr!!!!!" "BAAAAAMMMMM!!!" "ssshhhhpppkkkooowwwwwwrrrrrrr!"

These children are all day, jumping off the top of the swing-set, rolling things down the slide, launching objects from the tree house. OR worse....mixing things up IN MY KITCHEN to "see what happens." I cringe when I hear one of them say, "Okay, I'll be Adam and you be Jamie!" Or, like Saturday, when Bear came into the kitchen as I was cleaning the oven and said, "Mommy. What if there was FOAM all in the oven?!" If felt it my duty to make it clear that if there was foam "all in the oven" that there would also very likely be a little boy who wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. Hmmmmmm.

SO while I do appreciate the humor and especially the educational value of your programming, I also live in fear for my life and property every day. I am asking to to PLEASE take it down a notch?

Might I suggest a program where some really cool, tough looking guys clean their rooms? Or maybe investigate the chemistry of, say, bathroom cleaner and HOW IT WORKS? Or maybe the physics of the vacuum cleaner and show how very, very exciting it is to sweep the rugs? OOOH! Or the science behind Swiffer and how all the cool guys like to dust. Maybe a show called "Real Men MOP!" Or perhaps, "Cool Guys Clean Gutters!"

Thank you for your time and patience, Discovery Channel People. Keep up the good work. Oh, and please know that if anything does happen to me as the result of a crash or "kasplosion", my attorneys have been instructed to sue you first.

Affectionately,
SugarMommy


PS I haven't even mentioned SurvivorMan or Man vs. Wild. Suffice to say, I fear for my children (and our pets) once summer is here and they have time to put these shows into practice. Expect another letter from me say around, July.

Resolution!

So, what was wrong with that picture? In short, nothing really.


I shot the teacher an email this morning (which is the morning that school started two hours late for no discernible reason other than it was COLD which totally jacked up my morning because then SP and Bear could go to school before 10:00, Bug's preschool was delayed until 10:30 and I had to be all the way out at the base for a lunch at the Officers Club at 11:00 and now there are chunks of hair missing from my head)** (geez....digress much?)


*ahem* As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself....

I sent SP's teacher an email this morning asking if I could meet with her during her planning period this afternoon to discuss the assignment. She called later to let me know that it would be fine, but could we just knock it out over the phone?

I told her that I hadn't let SP redo the assignment because we were unclear as to what the actual instructions were. That I saw no problems with the original. She said that she really didn't have a big problem with SP's picture, either. As some of us thought, SP had colored MLK's lips and fingernails a little darker than the rest of him.

Mrs. Englishteacher said that while SP's was appropriate, she had asked the class not to color the lips or fingernails a different color. She said that SP is the best student she has and is quite a leader in her class. Evidently SP's classmates often try to emulate her work. (The assignment was to be completed in class today.) Mrs. Englishteacher was concerned that while the colors on SP's paper were appropriate, she couldn't count on the other students being so judicious. She was afraid that some students might take the difference in color to extreme and that it might be viewed as racist.

I still think that perhaps the teacher was over-compensating somewhat in the name of political correctness, but I saw her point. I also wonder if she wasn't kissing my ass a little. But I thanked her for her time and I told her how I appreciated her willingness to listen.

I had SP just erase the color from the lips and fingernails and go over them lightly with the brown she used for the rest of the picture. She gave it to Mrs. Englishteacher this morning and the teacher was pleased.

Hopefully, I taught my daughter how to stand up for herself (or someone she loves) without having to belittle or try to make the other person feel bad about themselves. While going postal on someone can be satisfying at times (I'm looking at you TXU!), I really prefer to be nice and settle conflicts peacefully. Just like MLK taught us. Right?

**This run-on sentence brought to you by the Horrified Writing Instructors of America (HWTA).

What's wrong with this picture?

SugarPlum's teacher is making her redo this picture as homework this weekend. She told SP something about how in the past, people would make fun of African Americans by wearing black-face. SP is beside herself.

I honestly fail to see what the problem is. I have looked at this a dozen times in the past hour and can't figure it out. So, I am am asking you, my dear friends and readers, do you see anything offensive about this? I am at a loss. Any comments about this are welcome.

Disturbing

I just got home from Christmas at my Mom's house. (The very definition of FRESH HELL this year) and I was going through the mail.

And?

I got a VALENTINES DAY CATALOG.

What is wrong with you (catalog) people?