*ahem* Is this thing on???

Evidently, I'm moving toward blogging YEARLY now. I'm quite certain everyone has given up on me now, so I imagine I'm just blogging for my own entertainment. There's a great deal of freedom in that, I suppose. Though I've noticed, every once in a while, someone drops by to see if I'm still alive -- or just accidentally clicks on the wrong link in their google search for their own actual sugar mommy. At least that what it looks like in the analytics. (Sorry to disappoint you accidental visitor. I'm broke and not interested in desperate strangers from foreign countries; you can move along now.) I considered posting another Q&A meme, but that was getting out of hand, so I'll refrain for now.

I suppose what spurred my desire to post again was looking at the old blog here while I was at my mom's house, trying to find my cranberry sauce recipe that I'd forgotten to print. On the same page with the recipe  were posts that had pictures and sweet stories about my babies. My Bug was TWO years old & freaking adorable. Well, to be fair, they were all three adorable. And I'm really regretting not documenting the last few years better. But, it is what it is.

I hope that you, dear reader, had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving this year was okay. Made pies. Made cranberry sauce. Left said cranberry sauce at home. Saw most of the family, except for my sweet cousin who had the audacity to go and get married. Not cool, man. I was able to spend time with my precious, perfect, amazing two-year-old genius nephew, (who on a whim, I've decided to call Sparky here on the blog, for no reason other than that's the first thing that popped into my head). He lights up my life and makes me feel so happy! There's nothing like hearing "Aunt Buffi! You're here!!" We headed home today, ostensibly so that I could write the four papers I have due Tuesday. You see how well that's going.

Speaking of writing papers...I graduate in May! (Nice segue, right?) Yes, I will have a Master's degree in counseling. Yay! And then, I will need to find a job. Piece of cake in this economy, right? Ummm...yeah. Anywhoo...I'm doing my practicum right now & will start my internship in January (which is exactly the same as the prac, only I need more hours). I'm loving what I'm doing now & hope I can find something similar after graduation.

Holy smokes this is the most boring post EVER. I apologize. Clearly, I'm out of practice. I'll try harder. But so far those promises have not panned out well. If it's your first time here, read my older posts. I was full of all kinds of funny. Though I'm still bitter that all of my comments have disappeared since Haloscan bit the dust. Regardless, I'm awfully proud of my little blog here. Maybe I can revive it now that I'm almost done with all of that sill school crap. *fingers crossed* My kids are still the absolute funniest people in the universe, so I really should keep documenting their stuff, though they get a little pissy about the embarrassing stuff, so you might have to ask nicely. :)

Blessed be the pies that bind....

It's that time of year again. I kind of love and hate this holiday madness that leads up to Christmas. I appreciate the significance of the holiday. God gave us His Son. GAVE us His son so that we might be able to spend eternity with Him in heaven. People talk about "Baby Jesus" as just a blip in history, but He's not a blip. He IS everything. That baby grew up to die for us. And His Father knew when time began that it would happen. It's mind boggling - especially when I look at my three SugarBabies and know that I won't even let the boys play in the front yard without supervision. Much less save mankind....

Anyway, the spiritual part of Christmas I cherish....the madness of the "Holiday Season?" Not so much. I don't like the pressure. I don't like the hurriedness. I don't like the anxiety. And this year, since my whole world has been turned upside down and shaken like a bottle of hot Dr. Pepper, I really was dreading it. In addition to the normal holiday stress, I am adding in a move, a MAJOR paper due for my grad school class, my Maw Maw not being with us, and various and sundry other emotional grenades that I am choosing not to blog about. It's a recipe for disaster, that's what it is.

Instead, I am choosing to forgo the crazy and appreciate this for what it is: the gift of time with my kids. The opportunity to carry on traditions an create new ones. We will put up the tree like we always do and decorate as soon as we are in the new house. Those decorations will NOT be shoved in the garage - they will be clearly marked and put in the living room where they belong and the tree will go up right after the beds are put together (priorities, people: sleep always wins). These sweet SugarBabies aren't going to be mine for much longer (when you look at the big picture). As fast as time has been moving, I know that if I blink twice, they will be off to college and then married with families of their own. So I am going to hold tight while I can and create memories.

Since an entire generation of our family has essentially passed on without our permission, I am now, finally, one of the grown-ups. Until now, we would go to my mom's house and then travel to my grandparents' or my Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. All I had to do was show up. Oh, sometimes, I would run to the store the night before to get an extra pan of dressing or some rolls, but I was never responsible for the BIG stuff. But this year, we are going to my Uncle Todd's house as usual - except my Maw Maw won't be there - and that will be weird and all kinds of wrong. There will be a hole. A huge gap where hugs and kisses and unconditional love and encouragement used to be. Oh, and no corn relish. She made it like nobody else can.

So, I've decided to take over pies. Maw Maw hadn't really done pies for years - my aunt did that. But since my Aunt is having everyone at her house and she and my mom are doing the lion's share of the food for dinner, I am taking over part of the pie making. Partly because I love making (and eating!) pies. And what's Thanksgiving without pie?! Also, and more importantly, because my kids like making the pies with me. And that is what I treasure most.

There's no cheating** either. We don't get the cans of apple or cherry or pumpkin pie filling. (Okay I guess we cheat a little, because we DO buy the canned pumpkin and the tart cherries in water. But only because there's no place to get fresh cherries here in Candyland like when we had our cherry tree in Ohio. And gutting a pumpkin? Ugh. No thanks.) But we DO peel and chop the apples. And we DO stir in the ingredients that turn the canned fruit into pie once it's baked. It's somehow magical to watch something as yucky as pumpkin guts turn into something as yummy as pumpkin pie. Same with the cherries. Every. time we make a cherry pie, one of the kids asks to eat one of the cherries before they go into the pan. And every time it's followed by an AWESOME pucker-face that I must get a photo of before it's too late.

But a few hours later, once it's all cooled, those concoctions are suddenly the yummiest thing in the house. And the waiting becomes AGONY. Already, I am hearing cries of "We have to wait till THURSDAY to eat them?" Yes. Yes we do. But it's our reward for patience.

Then? The look of pride on the SugarBabies faces as family gushes about how amazing the pies are and what a great job they did making them. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I know with out a doubt that my MawMaw and my Nada Jane and my Grandma are looking down with pride as I pass on the tradition of good food and family ties. Because the rest of it just doesn't matter.

So we are off to finish the pies. Oh, and FUDGE. SugarPlum makes the most amazing fudge. It's magical. I have no idea how she does it, but it is HER signature. Her tradition to pass down to future generations. <-------See there? I just blinked again. Gotta go make memories.

**Exemption to the cheating clause: Pie crust. Pillsbury makes a much better crust than I (read: edible) and the mess is then kept to a minimum. This way we all win.

Dear Maw Maw

Dear Maw Maw,

You've been gone six months now. Some days - most days - I miss you so much that there aren't words that can describe how sad I feel or how much it hurts. I think back and regret so much the number of times I told myself that I would call you "tomorrow" only then I would forget. I even forgot to call on your birthday last year. And I know that you didn't mind. You always told me that you were just glad to hear from me. Once, when I called a WEEK late for your birthday, you said that any time you heard from me & the kids was like your birthday. But remembering that only makes me feel more sad. Because I could have & should have given you more "birthdays" than I did.

I found you a Christmas present tonight while I was shopping. This neat set of angels. They were kind of rustic and funky. I even had them in my cart before I realized that we wouldn't be opening presents with you this year. And I nearly lost it right there in the store.

I still have your number programmed into my phone. I can't bear the thought of deleting it. It would be like you never existed or something. Only, I can look in the mirror most days and see your face. God blessed me with your face and your voice and your mannerisms. I surprise myself some days when I hear your voice talking to my children. I know that you are the only reason that Bug is still alive. You are the reason I am able to laugh at most of the crazy things those boys do and appreciate them for the smart, funny, stubborn little men they are. You remind me all the time that the qualities that make me crazy right now are the very ones that will serve them well in the future. And you were right about SugarPlum from the first time you laid eyes on her and told me that she is a wise old soul. She is that indeed! You tell me constantly to let the little things go. To laugh when they have rolled in the mud. To appreciate the art in the "circus" they have drawn on the wall. In Sharpie. I know from you that what matters the absolute most is that they know that they are loved more than anything in the whole wide world and that nothing they could ever do will negate that love. That I have unfailing faith in their ability to achieve whatever they want in life.

So much has happened in the past six months. My whole life has turned upside down and I have laid in bed so many times and sobbed because all I want is to talk to you about it. Am I doing the right thing? Am I screwing up my kids? Am I strong enough to get through this? Because, sometimes the doubt eats at my very soul. You were always so soothing and wise and funny and knew just what to say to ease my worries. You also knew when to just be quiet and hold me and listen & not try to solve my problems. Your arms around me made me know that the world couldn't hurt me. I wish I could just lay in your lap and cry until I feel better. You always let me sob until there were no more tears. And you always had plenty of Kleenexes to clean up the snot.

But in those moments when I feel like I might just be ripped in two from missing you, I hear your voice in my head telling me, "You can do this, Buffi. You MUST do this. You can do what I never could for so many reasons. Be the mom and the woman I always wanted to be. Who I taught you to be. Stand up for yourself. Be the example those babies need. You are smart and strong and capable. And I love you and I am right here." So I am going to do the right thing for you, Maw Maw. And for me. And for those SugarBabies that we love so much. I promise I will make you proud. You spent nearly 40 years convincing me that I am everything you knew I was. You did that for all of your grandbabies. I can't speak for all of us, But I know that Bek and Tell and I wouldn't be who we are without your love and confidence in us.

But tonight, can you find a way to come in my dreams and hold me and let me cry until I know it'll be okay? Because missing you hurts almost as much as anything in the world. I know that I will see you some day soon. You and Paw Paw will come and get me in that ice cream truck we all heard in March (because really, why on EARTH was there an ice cream truck at a cemetery in March, if it wasn't you two?) and we will all be home together soon. But that seems like a long way away. And I have a lot to do before then. Even if it is just the blink of an eye up there in Heaven.

I love you so much Maw Maw. I'm glad that you aren't sad or in pain any more. And I am so thankful that God helped me find comfort in your memory. Kiss Paw Paw for me. And know that we miss you two more than we ever knew it was possible to miss anyone.

Love,

Buffi

When ornaments feel naughty

Toy Packaging

This is has the distinct possibility of becoming my favorite Christmas song EVER.

Christmas Carols from SugarBug

Rude-off the Red Nose Reindeer (reindeer)
Had a very shiny nose (like a flashlight!)
And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would even say it glows (like a flashlight!)
All of the other reindeer (reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names (like Pinoklio)*
They never let poor Rude-off (Rude-off)
Join in any reindeer games (like Fronokoly)**

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say (ho ho ho!)
Rude-off with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then how the reindeer loved him (loved him)
As they shouted out with glee (Whip Cream!)
Rude-off the Red Nose Reindeer (reindeer)
You'll go down in history (Like Fronokoly!)**

*Pretty sure that this is Pinocchio

**I think that this is the five-year-old word for "Monopoly," but he just looks at me like I have brain damage when I ask him about it.

Easter Morning in Candyland

The loot

The beautiful, impeccably dressed SugarBabies standing among the aftermath of the Bunny's gifts. (Children who, due to their parents' unbelievable timing - okay, and luck - were not only ON TIME to church but even a couple of minutes early! HA!)

Yes, the Easter Bunny brought Bear golf balls and tees. Golf if his current obsession.

Also, TIME--if you can find where to purchase it.....

To all my friends who sent best wishes for 2007, it did NOTHING at all.

So, for 2008, please send money, wine or gasoline vouchers.

Thanking you in advance...Cheers!


Happy New Year!

Disturbing

I just got home from Christmas at my Mom's house. (The very definition of FRESH HELL this year) and I was going through the mail.

And?

I got a VALENTINES DAY CATALOG.

What is wrong with you (catalog) people?

The day is looming......

Christmas is only ONE WEEK AWAY!!! Holy Shamoley. I have tons to do, but am headed out of town on a most important mission. Top secret at this point, but I'll let you know as soon as I have clearance.

Until then, please, all of you, remember the REASON we are celebrating! Especially you there, in the parking lot. Chill out already. If you hit me or anyone else with your giant SUV, you will only further delay your shopping trip. What with the paramedics, police, and taking time out for your mug shot and all. So, take a deep breath, count to ten, and say, "Merry Christmas. You parking place stealer."

Must dash!!!

That awesome picture is courtesy of Rick over at Organized Doodles. Go visit and see his many fantabulous illustrations!!

All I want for Christmas...

Here's a question for you: Do you try to influence what your kids ask Santa for or do you use that Santa visit to find out what your kids want?

I'm more of the former. I know what my kids want. Or think that they want. I also know what they will actually play with. And what sort of things I want (and DON'T want) in my house. So, as the time for the great Santa con-fab nears, I start to propagandize (aka "brainwash") my kids as to what to ask for. That way they won't be disappointed on Christmas morning. And there won't be a bunch of noisy crap in my house that might make my head explode.

To wit: Bug started before Thanksgiving telling his friends that Santa was going to bring him a Transformers' Costume. The hell? First, no. Also....nuh-uh. He has about forty three different costumes and even if I DID want to get him a Transformer costume, those are only available at Halloween. Yes, I checked. But still. No. So, I have convinced him that he wants a VTech Nitro Junior Notebook. Because I know that he will actually play with that and that it won't encourage hitting siblings or playmates in the spirit of "being a superhero." Or whatever.

Bear wanted the Lego Mars Mission set. And, at first, I was not at all opposed to it. It has the whole space theme that seems to dominate our lives of late. Then I got to thinking....all those little pieces. Well, not really the pieces, because Legos don't really bother me (unless I step on them in the middle of the night - OW!). But, with the kits...or sets...or whatever...they only get put together correctly with the help of Daddy. (Mommy sucks at Legos.) When Daddy isn't around to facilitate the construction, there is much whining, frustration and angst. And I can't handle it. Consequently, I have brought Bear around to the virtues of the VTech Nitro Notebook.

BUT I have also convinced him and his brother that they want a couple of new buckets of Legos - but just the general, non-committal Legos that can become anything rather than a "kit." Due to the even distribution of Legos throughout my house (seriously, you can't lift a cushion or check a pocket in this place without finding at least one Lego), we are down to about fourteen Legos in the bucket. Fourteen Legos that are the catalyst for one brother to beat the shit out of the other brother at least once a day. So, Santa (or Mommy) is bringing Legos, by golly.

SugarPlum? Is getting to play soccer. She played in a tournament this past weekend with the competitive team that she played with in the fall. She has decided that she wants to play with them next season. So, I got the financial info for the team. And.....Holy Mia Hamm!!!! It ain't cheap to play for a club team. But, honestly, it's a good thing. She is happy playing with this team. And she is really improving. And the girls on the team are such good girls. And the parents are just cool as you can imagine. Not a bunch of snotty "soccer moms" like I was afraid of. So, it'll be good for all of us. Also? Her Christmas present. And birthday present. And Valentines Day. And Easter. And....Arbor Day present.

Me? I'd just like a little, tiny bit of sanity. Less chaos and uncertainty. To know maybe, just maybe, what in the hell is going on in my life and what is going to happen over the next few months and years. You know....omniscience. Is that too much to ask? Can the elves handle it? Please Santa? Pretty please?

Oh, and a month at tropical island resort wouldn't suck either.

Happy Thanksgiving! (in the year of recycled posts)

To give you a clue as to what I am about to start cooking, I will give you the recipe to my all time favorite Cranberry Sauce . This recipe came courtesy of the Queen and was originally posted two years ago.


Spiced Cranberry Sauce

1 C. Water
1 C. Sugar
1 3" piece fresh ginger, peeled
1 firm pear, diced
1 tsp grated lemon peel
1 12oz pkg. cranberries
1 small can mandarin oranges, drained
2 Tbsp lemon juice


Bring first 2 ingredients to a boil in a heavy saucepan, stirring constantly(who actually stirs CONSTANTLY??). Boil 5 minutes. Add pear and lemon peel, return mixture to a boil and cook for 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in cranberries, reduce heat, simmer without stirring 3-5 minutes until cranberry skins pop. Remove from heat, cool. Remove and discard ginger. Add mandarin oranges. Cover and chill. Stir in lemon juice just before serving. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a corollary, I give you this little piece of information, posted shortly after Thanksgiving 2005.


Handy Household Hint

If, while cleaning the remaining Thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge, you notice that the dishwasher is getting awfully full, so you decide to leave some of said leftovers in their Tupperware containers on the counter for a couple of days few hours rather than deal with them at this moment, be sure to vent the lid on the cranberry sauce just a little bit. Failure to do so will lead to the fermentation of the sugars in the fruit which will lead to the lid POPping off and flying across the kitchen to the great delight of Bear and Bug any little boys in the vicinity.

Um, I read that in a magazine somewhere. Something like that would never ever happen here in Candyland. Excuse me now. I have to go buy more paper towels.

Last minute list....

Turkey? Check
Dressing? Check
Cranberries (fresh)? Check
Ginger (for cranberry sauce)? Check
Green Beans? Check
Potatoes? Check
Gravy? WHOOPS!
chocolate pie filling? Check
whipping cream? Check
Pie crust? WHOOPS!
Rolls? Check
Wine? Double Check
(father-in-law is here, after all)
Pumpkin Pie? (not making from scratch since I found that the local bakery puts mine to shame) ummm...later today

Shopping list for the dreaded "Thanksgiving Eve" trip to the grocery store:
Gravy, pie crust, pumpkin pie, extra whipping cream - because you can never have enough whipping cream...)

What am I forgetting????

Ah, yes. Valium for me, paregoric for the SugarBabies. And? Vodka.

Any other suggestions?

Were you aware of this?

I read in the paper this morning that the day after tomorrow is THANKSGIVING!

How the hell did THAT happen? Wasn't it just September, like YESTERDAY?! Way to be there for me, people.

Suppose I should go buy a turkey and all the accompaniments? Or do you think that SD, Pop Pop & the SugarBabies would settle for that lasagna I have in the freezer?

Yeah. Me neither. Guess it's off to the commissary for me!

Things I don't understand

• Why my son (Bear) cannot stop breaking his pencils at school. No, I don't mean that the lead frequently breaks. I mean that he breaks his pencils in half. Not one or two. But many, many pencils.
• Why my daughter insists on doing just enough to piss ME off - thoroughly -, but not enough for anyone else to understand why I am so angry. It's a fine line and she consistently finds it. GIFTED. Yes.
• Why, no matter how tired I am, I cannot manage to go to bed before midnight at least four nights a week.
• Where are of this damn laundry comes from.
• How I am going to pay for Christmas presents this year.
• What the hell is wrong with Britney. (I'm so ashamed of my fascination with her train wreck of a life, but I just can't stop looking!)
• What is up with that Yo Gabba Gabba show on Nick Jr. It's like Sesame Street on acid.
• Why Bug is absolutely averse to doing anything any person in authority asks of him.
• Also, how he has figured out the whole "reverse psychology" angle.
• If my house will ever truly be clean and organized.
• Why my husband is still around. Being married to a crazy person cannot be easy. (Entertaining at times, though!)
• Why some people can't escape the roles they assumed in High School, no matter how many years it has been.
• Heroes. This show baffles me.
• How SD knew, without me having to even hint, that I needed ice cream. And not just ice cream, but Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk. How does he do that?
• What on earth possessed me to pledge to post every single day this month? I've been successful so far! Can I make it for ten more days?

SugarBabies Halloween 2007

Everyone here in Candyland just enjoyed the heck out of Halloween this year. Not much trick-or-treating was done, but plenty of candy was cpllected to drive Mommy crazy for weeks to come. These shots were taken just before we went in to our church's carnival.

No, Bug isn't wearing a skirt. I couldn't find the trick-or-treat bags, so we went retro and used pilllow cases. You know, like in the olden days.

Cleopatra hams it up.

In related news.......all Halloween candy faces likely relocation to the bin due to many, many conversations much like the following:

Mommy? Can I have a piece of candy?

No Bug. You just had a piece of candy two minutes ago.

That's okay, I'll get a different kind.

But it's still candy. No.

No, Mommy! It'll taste completely different than the other one. I'm getting chocolate this time.

Wha? No. No more candy. *sigh*

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to.....

So, we are back from our weekend of partying (she said, tongue firmly placed in cheek). This was supposed to be a relaxing weekend, spent visiting friends and family. Instead, like always, it felt hectic, over-scheduled and somewhat disappointing.


Now, to those of you I visited this weekend, don't get me wrong. I had an absolute blast seeing everyone and don't regret a minute I spent with you.


For everyone else on the planet (high expectations here), I went home for the 20 year reunion of all my high school friends. Confused? Well, you're not the only one. With one or two exceptions, my best friends from high school all graduated a year before me. So, when it came time for their reunion this year, I was delighted to have been invited to the reunion by a friend who thought it would be nice to have the gang back together. I had every intention of attending all of the reunion events. But over the summer, my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma and started chemo. So, I tweaked my plans some and decided that we would still go to Candyland West this weekend, but I would just go to the dinner and the get together with all of the choir gang on Sunday. Those plans were further altered when several of us realized that the dinner was going to cost $120 per couple. For barbecue. As much as I wanted to attend that dinner, I really didn't want to spend that much. For barbecue. So several of us decided to go out to a nice dinner at one of the better restaurants in Candyland West.

I was really looking forward to this trip. I was so excited to see some of these people I haven't seen in years. And some I hadn't seen in weeks. But Wednesday I started feeling nauseous and it didn't go away all weekend. I don't think I ate more than three bites of anything for several days. On the upside, I lost a few more pounds, so at least there was a silver lining. Of course the cloud inside that silver lining included the migraine that wouldn't die. I'm not sure which the cause and which was the effect, but I had either a headache, a tummyache or both all stinking weekend. Ugh.

THEN! We awoke Saturday morning to the dulcet tones of barking coming from the boys' room. More specifically, from Bear's bed. Crap. It's croup. While SD steamed up the bathroom, I found some benedryl and motrin in the medicine cabinet at Gram's house. Had I brought the nebulizer? No. Of course not. It's summer! He doesn't get croup in summer! Also? I never even thought about it. The steam seemed to help (no ER trip!), so I decided to pull myself together quickly and get up to my old high school for the tour.

I don't recommend this. A high school can change a LOT in twenty years and not all of it will make you happy. By the time I got there, the tour was headed out to the gym. Which has been expanded a great deal and is now two gyms plus a lot more stuff that I didn't see. We started to go into the "old gym" - the one we all remembered - but there was a volleyball game going on and we couldn't go in. But the poor little Student Council (class of 2009!) rep was happy to show us the new gym! Um, yeah. But that is not a part of our past. It's not where we had our pep rallies and saw our beloved basketball team get trounced time and time again.

Back inside. We go through the door back into the school, look to the right and see that the dance studio no longer exists! It appears to have been turned into a janitor's closet. Sacrilege! Then? We learn that the gymnastics gym? Is now the new library. What is wrong with these people. The gymnastics team was the only team we had to brag about!!! And little student council rep/tour guide? Seems PROUD of the fact that the gym was ripped out to make their new state-of-the-art library! FOR SHAME! Why look at all those computers! Back in my day, we had to make an effort to do a research paper. We didn't have computers to look up stuff. We had do dig through microfiche and plow through the stacks to find the articles and books we needed to get that one perfect quote! These kids today have it so easy....

::deep cleansing breath::


That's better. { /rant}


We made our way up to the choir room. Sure that that would satisfy what we came for. But it was locked! Oh! The disappointment. We were all so pathetic standing on tiptoe, peeking int he little windows on the doors. Noticing the what changes we could see. There was much sadness. Luckily, we all made our way down to the auditorium, which still looked and smelled the same. That was happy. We climbed up on stage and forced out significant others to take photos of us as we tried in vain to remember the words and steps to some of our show choir numbers. I think little student council boy was very impressed! You know, if a bunch of old people singing off key and fumbling around on a high school stage is his idea of impressive.

Other tour highlights:

~ Student Council boy telling us how the bell tower is haunted since a person was murdered up there in the mid-80's (you know, waaaaaaaaaay back in the 80's). We told him that we thought we probably would have remembered that.


~ They have elevators now. We reminisced about how we used to sell "elevator tickets" to clueless sophomores. "Now where are the elevators?" "Right next to the swimming pool." Oh, yeah. We were clever.


After the tour, the rest of the gang (read: the people who actually graduated in '87) went tot he picnic. SD and I planned on going over to visit my grandparents, but a wave of nausea gripped me and turned me green and I decided that I didn't need to expose Maw Maw to that or to Bear's cough, given that she has zero immune system after two rounds of chemo. I promised that we would go over Sunday, after the choir gathering.


Dinner Saturday night was good. And, if SD's veal chop alone hadn't cost $42.95(!), it might have been less expensive than the reunion dinner. But the conversation was great, and they had amazing creme brulee which made one of our group declare, "This is what the gods bathe in!" We had a lot of fun, so I suppose it was worth it. Sadly, later that night, my stomach rebelled again and I didn't get to enjoy the fun at the hotel with everyone. This also precluded any visits to see my grandparents Sunday. Much, much sadness.


Our choir party was even more fun than I had hoped! I was happy to see everyone who showed up. I am proud to say that among us, we have the most beautiful, well behaved, smartest group of children in the world. It must be something in the water in Candyland West. It makes for good genes to pass down!


Meanwhile, back in Soccer Land.....SugarPlum played as a guest player for one of the uber-competitive club teams in our town. They have been pursuing her for a while, but she hasn't wanted to make the commitment that the team requires. She had a lot of fun and the team won second place in their tournament. SP is thinking that maybe she would like to play for them next season. I'm not AS opposed as I once was. They only practice twice a week and they are a great group of girls. The parents are pretty cool too. I suppose that the only thing holding us back will be whether we can get a second mortgage on our house to pay the astronomical fees that are required to be on the team. Plus the tournament fees, travel expenses, etc. *sigh* She's ten. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Seem like it's gonna happen whether I'm ready or not.

So..how was YOUR Labor Day??

Like a cheap sweater

I know that you are probably so sick of my whining that you can barely stand it. Hardly anybody is even commenting anymore. I have a feeling that most everyone is adhering to that childhood rule "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And quite honestly, I appreciate that. Harsh words might just send me over the edge at this point. And I am just barely hanging on by my fingernails right now.

I was looking at my posts from this time last year and realize that I have almost completely lost my funny. I even blogged some about my depression last fall, but at least I had some perspective. Or from my writing, I seemed to, anyway. It's like a whole lifetime ago, reading that. I suppose a lot has happened and my whole life and reality changed in the space of a few weeks there. But golly. I just am not holding up well under the pressure. Last year, I spoke of how I felt like I was being dragged under and needed help coming back up. I really thought that I had overcome most of that. I thought that with my thyroid being treated, that I was doing so much better. But over the past couple of months, my crazy has returned with a vengeance.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and asked to have my antidepressant dosage upped because I was feeling like I was going under again. For a week or two I was feeling so much better. I was cleaning the house, enjoying my kids, being a Mommy. But as Thanksgiving approached, I found myself sinking faster than I ever had. I get home from picking the kids up from school some days and go get in my bed. SugarPlum, bless her heart, entertains the boys for me and come to tell me when it's time for me to make dinner. This isn't every day, but FAR more often than it should be. No nine year old should have to take that much responsibility for her family.

I have days where I get stuff done. I will get the whole entire kitchen clean. Or I'll sort through two rooms worth of clutter. But it's never enough to get caught up. Which is why I was so relieved that the whole family wasn't coming here for Thanksgiving. I had decided that it was better to make the drive to Gram & Gray's than to try to get this place up to snuff. But by Wednesday morning (when I had told my parents I would be leaving) I had nothing packed, the house was still a disaster & needed to be at least tidied up as we were having a kid come and stay here to dog-sit. I needed to clean out my van and fold the laundry. And I was paralyzed. I hid in the guest room and cried for a good half hour. I had no idea why I was crying other than I felt like I was losing my mind & didn't know how to rein it in. I seriously contemplated staying here and having turkey sandwiches for Thanksgiving. Eventually, I could hear the kids screaming at each other on the other side of the house and went in there to keep them from killing each other. They saw my red eyes and puffy face and got very somber. I started crying again and told them that i couldn't get this done on my own and that I needed their help if they wanted to go.

We finally hit the road at about 2:00, which was when my parents expected us to be arriving not leaving. My mom started to give me shit about it, but I just got off the phone with her quickly. I didn't need her help. I was still such a mess that when I got behind a truck that I couldn't pass (crappy two-lane roads), I was on the verge of tears over it. It was one of the longest three-hour drives of my life.

Unraveling. That is what I feel like I am doing. Like somebody has hold of the yarn that makes up the sweater that is my sanity and is pulling every so often so that when I turn around to look, there is less and less of it.


That is what I wrote the week after Thanksgiving. And things just kept looking more and more bleak. I finally went back to the doctor this past Friday and told him everything that had been going on. I was desperate. He doubled my antidepressant dosage (from what the other dr. had increased it to in November), and had me get another thyroid check as well as testing for some auto-immune and auto-inflammatory diseases. He asked me if I had been getting much exercise and I told him no. When he asked why, I responded, "Because I don't want to." I didn't feel the need to make excuses. HELLO? Did you hear the part about the depression? Yes, I know that exercising will prompt a change in my brain chemistry resulting in me feeling better. I am a well educated woman. Who is suffering from depression. And when my Crazy and my Lazy get together? There will be minimal physical activity, I can assure you.

Sitting there, talking to the Dr, I ticked off all of my symptoms: weight gain (seven lbs in about two weeks - this is what prompted the exercise question), irritable, withdrawing from activities (I quit working at the church on Thursdays and stopped helping at GA's), not getting much of anything done in my house and in the past few weeks have only managed to shower once or maybe twice a week (I know, EWWWW!). I felt like one of those freaking commercials for depression. Ridiculous.

So, he wants me to try this increased dosage and come back in about three weeks. But already I can tell a HUGE difference. Which is good, because I didn't want to be this way when SD gets home (IN TWO DAYS!! YAAAAAY!!!!). And I really feel like I need to be on my game because my SD's dad (aka PopPop) - always a joy to have about - comes for a visit next Sunday. But, mostly, I couldn't do this to my kids any more. They need a Mommy who is present. Who wants to spend time with them. Who doesn't hide in the guest room and cry.

Time to get out the knitting needles and put the sleeves back on that sanity sweater. Okay, is it just me or is it time to give that metaphor a well deserved break? Or burial.

Hopefully my funny will be back soon. I enjoyed having a sense of humor. I suspect that SD packed it in his suitcase and took it to Turkey with him. Please bring it back honey, okay?

(Heh, did you know that if your finger slips just a little bit, you can end up typing hiney instead of honey?)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Aren’t you glad that I left you with those questions for over a week? Did you memorize them and come up with answers in case there is a pop quiz over them one day soon?

Yes. I thought so. Because I know that legions of people come here every single day, several times a day just awaiting the precious drops of wit that pour from my fingertips. Heh.

I had no intention of taking an internet hiatus. As it turns out, Thanksgiving in Candyland did not work out, due to High School football play-offs, among other things. So, I packed up the SugarBabies and we came to my parents’ house for the holiday (actually, we went to my grandparents’ house on Thursday) and hung out there for the weekend. A good time was had by all.

Sort of.

I had forgotten that the internet at the old homestead is a bit wonky and, in fact, completely non-operative at this point. Had I realized that I might have stayed home. Okay, not really. But I might have planned my time a bit better. And possibly given someone the keys to Candyland so that they could guest post, or at least put something up for me. I have a few random things in the queue to be put up when I am at a loss for what to post. As it is, I was stuck with no internets and no blogs to read. Which forced me to (gasp!) actually read some BOOKS and even interact with other live human beings. It took a little getting used to, but I figured it out, eventually.

I wasn’t exactly brokenhearted over the family ditching me for the holiday. The task of cleaning my landfill house was becoming more daunting by the minute. This probably has a lot to do with the oh-so-tenuous grip that I have on my sanity at this point. I will write about this later as it might send me over the edge at this point to even discuss it. Suffice to say that there were moments Wednesday when we all questioned whether Mommy would be able to pull it together enough to finish packing and make the drive to Gray Gray and Gram’s house. Much less survive the weekend without strangling anyone in his or her sleep. (Names left out to protect my ass the innocent.)

Thanksgiving itself was a very nice day. I got to see my cousin who was the cute little flower girl at my wedding and is now a drop-dead-gorgeous 18-year-old senior in high school. She is just beautiful inside and out and I really enjoy every minute I get to spend with her. Also there was her brother, the devastatingly handsome 16-year-old high school quarterback who led his team to another playoff victory this weekend. Go Panthers! The SugarBabies think that these two relatives are the creme-de-la-creme of the human race. And I tend to agree. Our family certainly did well when we dipped into the gene pool! These two great kids took my SugarBabies to the park and entertained them for hours. Then the QB sat and watched the kids while they picked cotton left in the field next to my grandparents' house. The kids thought that they were in heaven. So did I! Aaaaaanyway, it was a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving with a whole family to keep an eye on the kids and give me some time "off."

I also got to spend some more time with one of my very favorite newlyweds, CRB, and even got to see one of our wonderful high school friends (the cutest boy in choir) Matt, and his partner, Andy. We had lots of good silliness and great conversation. We always do when we are together. I was hoping that I would also get to see our friend ARR, but her sweet kiddos celebrated their birthday this weekend, so her priorities (rightly so) remained elsewhere. (That's okay, there's always Christmas, sweetie!)

I got to spend time with Mr. & Mrs. Jackalord at her parents’ new home. The kids loved that, as there are animals and other kids there. Woo hoo! My boys enjoyed watching the "big boys" have a paintball war. I enjoyed relaxing and having some adult conversation!

Eventually, though, it was time for us to return to Candyland. My mom was a saint and let me sleep in on Sunday so that I would be able to drive without killing us all. We made it home in time for to make pizza and watch a couple of episodes of Zoboomafoo before bedtime. Shortly thereafter, I continued my unraveling process. Thank heaven SD gets home in 16 days. It can't come a moment too soon!

Happy Christmastime!!!!!!!

I should be doing something else right now....

I am actively procrastinating right now. I have a PC show tomorrow morning and I need to wash dishes, get products ready, prep ingredients, assemble folders with order forms, catalogs, etc. I have done none of that. My hostess for tomorrow just called to tell me that she is expecting only two guests, so I guess that my motivation is out the window. I'm not mad or anything. One girl has sick kids, another one was informed that she has to be at work earlier than she originally expected and other stuff like that. These things happen. Hell, they happen to ME! She asked if I wanted to push the show back a few weeks. I am tempted. But I don't want her to think that I am being pissy or anything.

Also, my extended family has decided that now that I have the biggest house, that they will make the 3 + hour drive to Candyland for Thanksgiving next week. That's a minimum of 14 people here to inspect my home for the slightest bit of dust spend quality time with my kids and each other. I really ought to, oh, I don't know...finish unpacking, dust, sweep the floors, mop the kitchen, fold the laundry, clean the bathrooms, organize the linen closet, write a novel, compose a symphony, and/or win the lottery so that I can pay someone to do all of that for me.

But, no. I am blogging. Because that requires very little physical effort on my part. Which is a good thing.

***UPDATE***

I'm not sure what the heck was wrong with Blogger last night, but it wouldn't let me post this.

So the post-script to the whole PC story is that I cancelled it this morning after all. SugarPlum had a really bad migraine and decided to go back to bed. So I called my hostess (with the mostess...only not so much I suppose) to cancel so that I could be home to take care of SP. Long story short (HA!), SP wakes up at about 9:15 saying that she feels much better and she's ready to go to school. Heh. Soooo, I get everyone to school, come home and? clean house? No. Take a nap of course. I am exhausted. or lazy. Don't tell me your opinion of which.