House Hunters...marital bliss?

I don't know if it's because of my recent escapades in real estate or what, but I have become addicted to House Hunters on HGTV. I'm not sure what it is about it, maybe it's because they look at three houses, period, and then they have to choose. (Okay, also, I have a hunch that maybe they look at more than three houses, but only show three and have the people choose from those). I Think it's funny that nine out of ten times they pick the most expensive house. No matter how much over budget it is, they pick the expensive one. No matter how much better one of the cheaper ones might be, they pick the expensive one. It's weird.

I also find it disconcerting how many people can't see beyond the furniture that is already in the house (hint: the sellers are not leaving the furniture) or the paint colors (easily fixed). There are lots of things I wonder about as I watch this show.

BUT, I really want for their to be a follow up show...House Hunters Two Years later....to see how many of these people are still married. You can tell the good, healthy marriages and the ones that are going to fall apart soon. You can see the look in the eyes of the wife whose husband is going on and on about how "finally I can have a 'man cave' all to myself" when they have five kids...you can see her imagining the police finding his body in the man cave a few years later, having mysteriously choked on a Lil Smokie. Or the husband whose wife bitches about how the kitchens all need "granite and newer appliances" when they are looking for a four bedroom Colonial in the DC suburbs and have a budget of $125,00.

My absolute favorites though are the House Hunters International episodes where they tell us, "Dave and Susan have been living in the same Midwestern town for their whole entire lives. Now they have three kids. Since Dave's work has been taking him back and forth to Dubai for the past several months, the family has decided to pick up and move there so that they can have more time together..." Then Dave and Susan look at three properties. A crappy two bedroom apartment with "a great view of the city," a more suburban type home with four bedrooms, a western kitchen and bathrooms as well as amenities in the community, and a ridiculously expensive high rise apartment in the heart of the city with "amazing" views of the building Dave works in. Now, you know that Susan, having packed up kids and life, really wants just a little bit of familiarity with this move, given the sacrifices she is making for Dave's career. But Dave insists that the high rise is "just really all he envisioned with living in this city." Uh huh. I'll bet you good money Susan and the kids are back in their Midwest hometown within 18 months. Dave's an ass.

I also like on the International version when we hear that "Jim and Diane have been married for 22 years and have two kids. They have decided that they would really like a vacation home in Tahiti so that the family can go there whenever they want." I believe this translates to "Jim got caught screwing around and this is his last ditch effort to keep Diane from invoking the full force of that prenup." Because, geez. Who buys a vacation house in Tahiti? It takes 18 hours minimum to fly there. Not exactly a weekend get-away. Haven't these people heard of Key West or even Costa Rica? No, Diane is making sure Jim feels as much pain as possible and thinks twice before he unzips his pants for anyone else.

I'm continually baffled by the people who pick the house right on the freeway just because it has a hot tub. Seriously, they sell hot tubs all over town. You could put a hot tub in the yard of that house close to the park. Or the lady whose only gripe about a house is that they laundry room is "practically in the kitchen." Jeepers! Put up a divider or a curtain or even a door! The rest of the house is great. THAT is your one gripe?

With all of that said, I wish I had had House Hunters when I was looking for a house. I really like this house we are in now, but it makes you wonder...and the relationship stuff doesn't even come into play. Huh....

So wrong it's right....

I just read the following exchange on my Facebook & about wet my pants. These are people I have known since elementary school. Ryan now hosts a radio sports show & has two young kids....


Ryan:
oddly enough, they don't sell Backyardigans CD's at Local Liquor. Who knew???

Karen at 1:30pm July 11
Try Pinkies.

Ryan at 1:37pm July 11
Good point. They might even have Imagination Movers.

Matt at 1:39pm July 11
they should have Handy Manny. That guy knows how to tilt a Silver Bullet

Karen at 1:41pm July 11
I thought Manny was probably a bud light man.

Matt at 1:42pm July 11
no, before bidness picked up he was a Natty lite guy.

Ryan at 1:43pm July 11
Wonder if Kelly is mixing up drinks at that hardware store all day long...

Matt at 1:44pm July 11
The "tool" are Double X.

Karen at 1:45pm July 11
I feel like I've stooped to a new low. But I am laughing at this.

Matt at 1:45pm July 11
It's Saturday. She is usually dancing 3 shows at Jaguars.

Ryan at 1:48pm July 11
I'm pretty sure I just heard her ad on SportsRadio 1234!

Matt at 1:49pm July 11
We won't talk about Mr. Lopart's whiskey induced trip to the playground to see the kids.

Karen at 1:50pm July 11
Or what Ms Portillo sells out the back door of her kitchen.

Matt at 1:50pm July 11
nothing goes with sports radio like strip clubs and booze.

Carl at 1:52pm July 11
Kelly, always has what Manny "needs".

Matt at 1:52pm July 11
i hope the 5 & Under crowd still don't read Ryan's updates.

There was a fiasco with the Mayor and 2 of her younger interns.

Matt at 1:57pm July 11
Remember the very special episode where Manny cleaned Kelly's plumbing with help from Pat and Philipe.

Matt at 1:58pm July 11
OK- Shame on me....

Carl at 2:00pm July 11
Anyone remember the "Honey-Do" Man, that worked here in town? The side of his van said, "Let me snake your drain." Forgive me if I crossed the line with that one.

Tessa at 2:18pm July 11
That was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!!! Go release a balloon and repent!!

Matt at 2:22pm July 11
but you laughed.

Yeah, a list post. Because it's too hot for paragraphs.

1. The past two weeks have been truly insane around here for lots of reasons.
2. Last weekend was Bug & Bear's birthday party and it went well. NINETEEN children were in my backyard, armed with water guns, water balloons, and other weapons of mass (lawn) destruction. A good time was had by all.
3. And then we all passed out.
4. Last week was Bear & SP's last week of school. I attended the awards ceremonies for both children. Which is always a bucket of fun.
5. Though both kids DID get certificates for All 'A' Honor Roll. (patting self on back even though I had very little to do with it).
6. Bug is on a bit of a tear. And by "a bit of a tear" I mean the child has been a little shit -testing every limit that we have EVER established and falling to the ground screaming when I enforce said limits. Yesterday was the real corker though because he threw a big stinking fit during children's church and our children's minister had to come get me out of the church service. Oh, I was furious. But I did hold it together enough to not yell at him. I didn't even cuss!
7. I'm a little freaked out because Bug is no longer a "preschooler" AND SugarPlum is no longer an elementary school student. I have a child in junior high. That's just wrong.
8. I got notification of my 20 year HS reunion. THAT is seriously fucked up. I am definitely not old enough to have been out of high school for 20 years.
9. I am officially addicted to Twitter. And it is pissing me off because it has been seriously jacked up lately. That flying whale is officially my least favorite thing to see now.
10. I saw this "Cuss-o-Meter on somebody's site (can't tell you who any more). It looks at the first page of a blog and gives you the percentage of cussing yours has compared to other pages on the web. So, mine? 0% Zero. Percent. That is fucking unacceptable.
11. I finally watched last week's episode of "Top Chef" and was dismayed that my secret crush, Spike, had to pack his knives and go.
12. I am consoled only by the fact that "So You Think You Can Dance" is back. I love me some Nigel Lithgow! (And Tice DiOrio is really nice to look at, too)
13. Have twice answered the phone this weekend and impressively restrained myself from saying, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Really, you wouldn't believe how much self-control that took.
14. Finally, my favorite kid-quote of the month: "For breakfast I want a fried egg. No, wait, Mommy. I want a Mond Egg. And tomorrow, I want a Tuesd Egg." Silly boys.

That ought to bump me up on the cuss-o-meter!

This is when Noggin looks good to me

Dear Discovery Channel,

First, I would like to thank you for all that my children have learned by watching your programs. My boys now have an incredible store of knowledge in physics, chemistry, biology, and many other scientific principles. I credit MythBusters, and How it's Made with this incredible and vast education that they have received at the tender ages of six and four.

They have also gained an appreciation of the hard work and sacrifice involved in many of the jobs that are overlooked though incredibly vital to our daily lives. All this through Mike Rowe's antics on Dirty Jobs. Thanks to Mike, my children are more motivated than ever to stay in school and go to college, lest they end up cleaning sewers or tanning leather. (Let me pause for a moment and tell you though, that the episode about horse insemination perhaps was more graphic than I would preferred.. I do realize that there are parental guidance warnings on the show, however, so, I'll take the blame for not taking heed. Still. Ew.)

Now you have your new show Smash Lab. Heaven help me. A show about, essentially, blowing stuff up. It's a little boy's dream come true. All I hear all day now, are "kasplosion" sounds coming out of my boys: "psshhhkkkkkwweeeeerrrrr!!!!!" "BAAAAAMMMMM!!!" "ssshhhhpppkkkooowwwwwwrrrrrrr!"

These children are all day, jumping off the top of the swing-set, rolling things down the slide, launching objects from the tree house. OR worse....mixing things up IN MY KITCHEN to "see what happens." I cringe when I hear one of them say, "Okay, I'll be Adam and you be Jamie!" Or, like Saturday, when Bear came into the kitchen as I was cleaning the oven and said, "Mommy. What if there was FOAM all in the oven?!" If felt it my duty to make it clear that if there was foam "all in the oven" that there would also very likely be a little boy who wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. Hmmmmmm.

SO while I do appreciate the humor and especially the educational value of your programming, I also live in fear for my life and property every day. I am asking to to PLEASE take it down a notch?

Might I suggest a program where some really cool, tough looking guys clean their rooms? Or maybe investigate the chemistry of, say, bathroom cleaner and HOW IT WORKS? Or maybe the physics of the vacuum cleaner and show how very, very exciting it is to sweep the rugs? OOOH! Or the science behind Swiffer and how all the cool guys like to dust. Maybe a show called "Real Men MOP!" Or perhaps, "Cool Guys Clean Gutters!"

Thank you for your time and patience, Discovery Channel People. Keep up the good work. Oh, and please know that if anything does happen to me as the result of a crash or "kasplosion", my attorneys have been instructed to sue you first.

Affectionately,
SugarMommy


PS I haven't even mentioned SurvivorMan or Man vs. Wild. Suffice to say, I fear for my children (and our pets) once summer is here and they have time to put these shows into practice. Expect another letter from me say around, July.

The Bug is unwell...and I am insane

So, I have been trapped here since Saturday afternoon with a sick Bug. He started coughing Friday morning, which I chalked up to allergies. He had a friend over after school and I agreed to watch one of my friend's toddler while she got her hair cut & colored. I told her that Bug had a nasty cough, but that he hadn't run any fever and that I was pretty sure it was just allergies.

Sometimes I think the germ gods hate me.

About half an hour before baby boy's daddy picked him up, Bug said, "I feel cold, Mommy. My head hurts."

Crap. Took his temp. And? 102.6. Yeah. What a great friend. I spent the next half hour saying, "Stay away from Noah! Cough the other direction! Wash your hands! Why don't you go play Legos in your room?!" Nothing like feeling loved and cared for when you are sick!

I took Bug to the walk-in clinic next morning. Surprisingly we didn't have to wait long (considering how long it took on the phone just to get TriCare to authorize an off-base dr. visit!). The doc was very nice and explained as he examined Bug that there were several nasty viruses going around and that was probably what Bug had. He would have gladly prescribe antibiotic if he thought it would help, but obviously since it was viral, there was no use. Then he started to listen to Bug's lungs from the back and stopped short. "...oh! Well! I do hear a crackle in there. Sounds like maybe some pneumonia. So, I'll go ahead and give him some Zithromax."

I am not a mom who demands antibiotic if it isn't necessary. So I made sure that he really thought Bug needed it and he said yes. So, we stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and go the meds. Then we came home and got my Buggy down for a (much needed!) nap.

We were supposed to have some people from SD's squadron over for supper that evening and had to cancel. I was disappointed because I just found out that this particular woman is a doula and HOW COOL IS THAT since that is my dream job?! But I was fairly certain that they didn't want a side of bacterial infection with their grilled salmon, so we will have to do it another time. Bummer.

Bug looked and sounded terrible. SD went to mass Saturday night so that I could take Bear and SP to Sunday School the next morning and leave Bug home. SD had to pack to go TDY anyway (of course. the Air Force always seems to time things to coincide with family illnesses!), so that worked out. HOWEVER....Bug awoke at 3:00 that night and was awake and miserable until after 5:00. When SD got up in the morning, I told him "Don't wake me up." He totally respected my request. He's a good man, that husband of mine.

(Except that then he abandoned me to go to his course for a week. BUT, he ended up sick too. HA! Okay, not really. I feel bad that he is sick down there and I can't do anything for him.)

So, Monday comes and Bug still feels crappy and has a high fever. Monday night he wakes up again and tells me that it hurts his chest to breathe. So Tuesday we go BACK to the walk-in clinic because there are no appointments on base - of course. Luckily, after waiting about eight days to check in, we were seen very quickly and the doctor (different guy, natch) orders a chest x-ray. Good news! Pneumonia seems to be gone! But since the fever hasn't gone yet, he changes Bugs antibiotic to something even I can't pronounce. And gives him some (nasty!) cough medicine.

By Tuesday night, Bug's fever is somewhat manageable. Though, I finally relent and let him just sleep all night in my bed, figuring that it's the best way for me to get a good night's sleep. It actually worked, for once!

He seemed to be feeling much better yesterday (no fever!), though I did keep him home from school under the "24 hours w/o fever rule." We had supper at church last night but didn't stay for choir. Today, I am keeping him home just as a precaution. There is a girl in his class who has cystic fibrosis and has already been in the hospital a couple of times this year. I figure she doesn't need me taking any chances with her health.

HOWEVER. I have GOT to get out of this house. The child IS going to school tomorrow. If I have to play ninja, Spiderman, or animal doctor, OR watch one more episode of Curious George (post coming soon about the questionable sanity of the man with the Yellow Hat) or Dragon Tales for one more day, I will hurt someone. There are groceries to buy, errands to run, laminating to do (at the kids' school), silence to listen to...

Which only means that one of the other two will come home with a fever today. Because that's how things work around here. Damn those germ gods.

Anyone need a babysitter?

Today I am bitching about:

1. The odor emanating from my guest suite. This is pretty funny of you have talked to me on the phone in the past week or so.


2. The Ron Paul for President people. You know I'm a Republican, but this guy is a little too fringe for me. (Didn't he used to be a Libertarian?) These people are every.where. I'd give you a link but I don't want to encourage them.


3. TWITTER. Okay, I am loving the Twitter. But one of the people I am "following" is getting totally put of hand with the postings. It is making me crazy. When you stop following someone, are they notified? I don't want to piss this person off. If you are reading this and you think it might be you, trust me, it's not.


4. My sidebar. Those archives are just out of control. I know that I've whined about this before, but does anybody know how to put them into some sort of drop-down thing with out ruining my very old template?


5. The way Stacy and Clint (on What Not to Wear) say "pant" and "shoes." Like "Now this is a really great pant." or "You need a better shoe." They are PANTS and SHOES. Sheesh. (Okay, it doesn't trouble me enough to stop watching. I'm addicted. I even TiVo the reruns! Pa.the.tic.)


6. Speaking of silly "reality" television....That prissy Christian guy on Project Runway. He makes me crazy. And his designs are all boxy and FUGLY. I'm quite over him and I'm ready for him to be Auf'd.


7. My dogs. Their barking is going to push me right over the edge. I know. They are DOGS. And dogs bark. But it's the bossy bark at the door as if I am OBLIGATED to let her in or out whenever she chooses. It's like the Gospel According to Snazzy: "Behold, I stand at the door, and bark: if any man (or woman. or child. well, anyone who can work a doorknob) hear my voice - open the door already! I will come in to him, and will sup with him, (sleep with him, chew up his new shoes, shed all over his furniture and clothes)...and he with me." 1 Labradorians 7:14


8. The end of NaBloPoMo. I really didn't think I'd make it a whole month posting DAILY. But it has been pretty cool. Hopefully, I can keep this up. Maybe not every day, but several times a week. We'll see.

Things I don't understand

• Why my son (Bear) cannot stop breaking his pencils at school. No, I don't mean that the lead frequently breaks. I mean that he breaks his pencils in half. Not one or two. But many, many pencils.
• Why my daughter insists on doing just enough to piss ME off - thoroughly -, but not enough for anyone else to understand why I am so angry. It's a fine line and she consistently finds it. GIFTED. Yes.
• Why, no matter how tired I am, I cannot manage to go to bed before midnight at least four nights a week.
• Where are of this damn laundry comes from.
• How I am going to pay for Christmas presents this year.
• What the hell is wrong with Britney. (I'm so ashamed of my fascination with her train wreck of a life, but I just can't stop looking!)
• What is up with that Yo Gabba Gabba show on Nick Jr. It's like Sesame Street on acid.
• Why Bug is absolutely averse to doing anything any person in authority asks of him.
• Also, how he has figured out the whole "reverse psychology" angle.
• If my house will ever truly be clean and organized.
• Why my husband is still around. Being married to a crazy person cannot be easy. (Entertaining at times, though!)
• Why some people can't escape the roles they assumed in High School, no matter how many years it has been.
• Heroes. This show baffles me.
• How SD knew, without me having to even hint, that I needed ice cream. And not just ice cream, but Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk. How does he do that?
• What on earth possessed me to pledge to post every single day this month? I've been successful so far! Can I make it for ten more days?

Enough already!!!