Naptime is the New Happy Hour

I wish that I could take credit for that snappy title up there, but it is actually the title of the new hilarious book by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. You know who she is. She wrote that fantastic book, Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay and got filleted on The Today Show over it. Some people have that pole shoved so far up their butts they can't even attempt to have a sense of humor. If you are one of THOSE people, then you are probably wondering how in the hell you got here you probably won't enjoy this book either.

For the rest of us, who enjoy living our lives with tongue firmly placed in cheek, this book is just what we need! Stephanie is a real mom and makes no apologies for it. She cops to bribing her kid with chocolate milkshakes to eat cauliflower and to letting her watch TV for more than 30 minutes of TV a day. (gasp!) In fact, she even gives us little hints as to how to "decode" the Smug Mommies at the playground by using "New Mommy Math." For example, if a Smug mommy tells you that her little darling only watches "one hour of mind-enriching, educational television a day, just go ahead and add two hours. If she tell you 'No TV ever!' add six. It's
that simple!... Similarly, if Smug Mama tells you that her child is allowed only two small cookies after dinner, feel safe adding five more. If she tells you no cookies, only fruit, go with eight."

Wilder-Taylor is wonderful at getting us past our mommy-guilt and making us see that we are all just doing the best we can. And that anyone who tries to make you think otherwise is full of it. She even gives some suggestions for alleviating that stress that can make your head explode, including:

• Make time for Twinkies. A lot more time.



• Three words: Amateur Strip Night



• Get some dental work done just for the Percocet, become addicted, & then if insurance covers it, kick you addiction at Crossroads in Antigua for at least ninety days

I found myself laughing out loud all the way through this book. SD is really tired of me reading it to him. Honestly, I had to restrain myself from sharing excerpts from each chapter with YOU. But then you might not get it for yourself and I really couldn't spoil that pleasure for you. See what a loving soul I am?

Easter Morning in Candyland

The loot

The beautiful, impeccably dressed SugarBabies standing among the aftermath of the Bunny's gifts. (Children who, due to their parents' unbelievable timing - okay, and luck - were not only ON TIME to church but even a couple of minutes early! HA!)

Yes, the Easter Bunny brought Bear golf balls and tees. Golf if his current obsession.

He is risen, indeed!

"I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.26 Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. John 11:25 NLT

Happy Resurrection Day from all of us in Candyland!

Four-year-old theology

Bug: Mommy, was Jesus borned on the cross?

Me: No, sweetheart, Jesus died on the cross. He was born in a stable.

Bug: NO. Was Jesus BORED on the cross? Was he bored up there?

Me: *somewhat stunned* Um, no Bug, I don't think he was bored. (::not sure how much detail to go into with a preschooler::) I think he was mostly praying. You know, talking to God.

Bug: But, Jesus IS God, right?

Me: Well....yeah.

Bug: Sooooo....he was talking to himself?

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More SugarBaby theology can be found in this post (along with a few other hilarious incidents!).

I'm still alive - sorta

Did you miss me? Just lie and say you did. My ego is fragile, you know. I was gone all last week on the trip-I'm-not-supposed-to-blog-about and barely had a moment to breathe let alone blog. (I didn't even talk to my kids all week! Well, except for the morning SugarPlum called me before school to tell me that Gram was being mean to her. Heh.) We got back to Candyland late Friday night only to repack - this time for the boys, too - turn around and drive to Metropolis for SP's soccer games. When we finally got home yesterday afternoon? The internet was busted. *sigh*

SD got the internet back up this afternoon and I have been on here for the past several hours shoveling thru the literally HUNDREDS of emails I didn't get to read while I was in "the vacuum." So, if I owe you an email, I will get to it as soon as I can. I'm going back to the dr tomorrow because I suspect that my pneumonia is back. I have felt my fever climbing all afternoon and I sound like I smoke 3 packs a day. Nice.

So, at some point in the near future, my goal is to get a REAL post up. But for now, I am concentrating on not going to the hospital. And that is giving me a headache.

Later.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

If there is anything that I would call an absolute MUST in parenting - something no mommy or daddy should be without -it's a sense of humor. With humor, you can enjoy your kids and the ridiculous things that they do and say. Without humor, you are nothing but another Joan Crawford just waiting to blow up all over your children. (No! More! wire! hangers!) As such, I believe that any parenting manual worth its salt should contain a healthy dose of humor. Or, maybe because I'm just ADD enough that I need some humor to keep me focused.

Well, I found a book that is just CHOCK FULL of humor and wonderful advice on raising these little monkeys who occupy two of my bedrooms and most of my heart. The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting...candid counsel from the depths of the daycare trenches by Brett Berk is a parenting book like no other. The title alone makes me giggle. And since my children have gay uncles of their own (Hi Uncle Matt! Hi Nana Andy!) (not blood related, but even better - we got to CHOOSE them!), I HAD to read this. "Uncle" Brett reminds me so much of my dear friend Andy that I read this with Andy's voice in my head. Andy is ALWAYS giving me parenting advice.

What Bret has over Andy is credentials: BRETT BERK, M.S., Ed., worked as a classroom teacher and a preschool director, and now acts as a research consultant to some of the world’s biggest producers of kids’ media, toys, and consumer products. He and his partner of eighteen years divide their time between New York City and a house in upstate New York.

Is he a parent? No. But this actually can be a good thing. Brett is able to give advice as an outside observer, without the emotion that can cloud a parent. His advice and recommendations are common-sense, logical and dead-on right. Plus, the stories that he uses to illustrate his points are HILARIOUS.

“When your toddler’s bowel movements seem more important than world peace, mealtimes require strategic negotiations, and you haven’t had a night out in
eight months, it’s time to admit something needs to change."

I love this book. My friends are sick of it because I keep calling to read them portions of it. It could be the smug attitude I have when reading the excerpts that may or may not have a bit of an "I told you so-ness" to it that is making them weary. I can't be sure. You'd have to ask them. Except don't.

*cough* *cough* *hackhackhack* *cough* (but no whooping)

Well, the flu finally took the hint and fled Candyland (for the time being - no sense tempting fate). Bug and I were both knocked flat for the better part of last week. Fever, aches, major f_a_t_i_g_u_e, and general whiny-ness prevailed. I don't know how Bug put up with me.

At one point, as Bug and I discussed how our muscles and bones hurt, he told me, "I think my muscles are going to hohrt like this foh-ev-oh!" It was, quite possibly the saddest, sweetest thing you could have ever heard. Blessedly, he was feeling much better and back to wreaking havoc with his brother by Sunday afternoon.

So, yes, the flu fled. But not before calling his good friend Bronchitis to come and take up residence in my lungs. I sound lovely. And, if I hadn't felt so totally shitty last week, I would probably be whining about how bad I feel. But, given some perspective, I guess I feel okay. Except for the extreme tiredness. Maybe from lack of oxygen? Think?

I finally caved and went to the flight surgeon today and he sent me home with the big bag-o-drugs: Zithromax, Xoponex, Flo-Vent, and some codeine syrup (which I will probably just get rid of because that stuff is naaaaazzzzzztttty). Hopefully I will be feeling better very soon. I hope so, because SD and I are ditching the kids for a week (thanks Gram!) for a somewhat official trip (that I am not supposed to talk about here) and I don't want to be spewing phlegm all over the state of TEXAS!

IN OTHER (somewhat related) NEWS:

I can't remember (and am too lazy to look) if I have blogged about my (very strong) feelings about vaccinating our children. I won't get on my soapbox tonight about it (though I reserve the right to do so and may very soon if blog material doesnt seem to come), but Charlie just sent me some info about an organization called PKIDs:

PKIDs is a national nonprofit whose mission is to educate the public about infectious diseases and help families whose children are affected by such diseases. We're trying to raise awareness of pertussis, also known as "whooping cough," through an online resource. The site is:

www.pkids.org/pertussis

Pertussis is a potentially deadly bacterial infection that can strike at any age, but is particularly dangerous for babies. Adults are the number one transmitter of pertussis to babies. One of the best ways to protect babies from pertussis is to make sure that anyone in close contact with them is vaccinated.

At PKIDs’ web site, you can hear an audio clip of what whooping cough sounds like and get advice on how to talk to your doctor about protecting your child or children you may care for from pertussis. This is all part of a campaign to raise awareness of pertussis called "Silence the Sounds of Pertussis."

So there you go. I am just counting my lucky stars that there is no whooping around here. At least not the nasty, potentially deadly kind. With my boys, you can always count on whooping of some sort during each day. Now, where did I put that humidifier?

Conversations when you're sick

"Is it 'feed a fever and starve a cold' or the other way around?"

"I'm pretty sure it's the other way around; 'feed a cold, starve a fever.'"

"What about the flu?"

"I think it's 'tell the flu to fuck off, take a bunch of drugs and go back to bed.' Got Motrin?"