When ornaments feel naughty

I aspire to be Grammar Girl

A list of things that have been making the Grammar Nazi in me go NUTS as of late

(subtitle: It may be time to adjust my meds)

• People who say, "I could care less..." If you could care less then that means that, at the moment, you DO care a little. The proper phrasing of that is, "I couldn't care less..." or, possibly, you could say, "AS IF I could care less..." (yes, I am SO aware of the irony of what is going on here.)
  
• Apostrophes. Good heavens, people. Apostrophes show possession OR a contraction. Which means that if you are talking about "all the good girls & boys," there should be nary an apostrophe in sight. When I see "all the good girl's and boy's" I wonder what on earth it is that belongs to those children. Also, if you are selling something, say....apples, your sign should read Apples - $1/lb. NOT Apple's - $1/lb. I have been known to refuse to purchase items from a store using superfluous apostrophes. (It's an affliction, I realize this.)


• People who use the word "myself" when they really mean "me." Military people are particularly guilty of this, "...if you have any questions, you can talk to either Lt. Jones or myself." Evidently, they think that this makes them sound more official? Or smarter? Honestly, it just makes you sound stupid. Think of it like this, take the other person's name out. Would you say, "...if you have any questions ask myself," or "...if you have any questions, ask me." (hint: the answer is B).

Also, while I'm at it:

• Your = possession (your car) You're = a contraction meaning you are (you're going to your car??)
• You & I vs. You & Me in a sentence: You and I are going to ride in your car. (I do something) Mom gave the car keys to you and me. ("Me" is the recipient of something) Use the same trick as in "myself" above: take the other person out of the sentence. I am going to the store." Mom gave the car keys to me."
• As a corollary: He/She & I vs Her/Him & me He/She & I is the subject (He and I got married.) Him/Her & I is the object(recipient) (The boss questioned both him and me about our living situation.)
• There are probably many many more, but I will be merciful and not subject you to them. Merry Christmas!

Toy Packaging

This is has the distinct possibility of becoming my favorite Christmas song EVER.

Christmas Carols from SugarBug

Rude-off the Red Nose Reindeer (reindeer)
Had a very shiny nose (like a flashlight!)
And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would even say it glows (like a flashlight!)
All of the other reindeer (reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names (like Pinoklio)*
They never let poor Rude-off (Rude-off)
Join in any reindeer games (like Fronokoly)**

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say (ho ho ho!)
Rude-off with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then how the reindeer loved him (loved him)
As they shouted out with glee (Whip Cream!)
Rude-off the Red Nose Reindeer (reindeer)
You'll go down in history (Like Fronokoly!)**

*Pretty sure that this is Pinocchio

**I think that this is the five-year-old word for "Monopoly," but he just looks at me like I have brain damage when I ask him about it.

Cynical much?

I got a review copy book in the mail today from a PR firm who shall remain nameless - mostly because I think that they are really nice & I don't want to burn any bridges (or cut off my book supplier). Inside the front cover was a bookmark with a quote that, I think, was supposed to be deeply profound:

"If you were far out in space, you would see that the sun neither rises nor sets, but that it shines continuously"

~Eckhart Tolle

WTF does that even mean?

You know, if you were far out in space, you'd better hope like hell you were in - or attached to - some sort of space craft or the rising and/or setting of the sun would be the least of your worries.

Yeah. It's Monday. And I'm crabby. Got vodka?

A leeeeeetle freaked out here.....

So, my mom calls last night, a little after 10:00. I was in bed, reading & just about to turn off the light. Honestly, I thought that the call was for SD, since his job brings late night calls several times a month. But...no. It was my mom.

She tells me that my brother had been assaulted when he stopped to get gas for his girlfriend's car. He got out, started pumping and the next thing he knew, there was a fist hitting his face, knocking him to the ground. Then the guy took off. My brother's wallet, watch and a laptop were in the car & the guy took nothing.

Then my brother evidently drove back to his girlfriend's house and she totally freaked out. She took him to the ER where they determined - as of last night, anyway - that he has a broken jaw and one of his teeth got knocked out. They were going to do a CT scan to see if he had a concussion and to make sure that he hadn't inhaled the tooth, since he couldn't find it. How scary is that?

This happened in the "good part" of town - a gas station on a major intersection in the early evening. The police managed to get the surveillance video. They didn't see the guy's face but they did get his license plate. They seem to think that it was a case of mistaken identity. Someone who was planning to kick some guy's ass then realized he had the wrong guy & took off. Especially since my brother wasn't robbed. Regardless, I told my mom (who couldn't bear to go to the hospital & sent my dad) to make sure that all of the doors were deadbolted. Because who knows if it wasn't someone he knew and who is CRAZY?!

My brother has made some really, really bad choices in his life and has suffered the consequences of those choices. He's like a living example for my kids of what NOT to do. In spite of that he is one of the sweetest, most caring, empathetic people I have ever known in my life. If he loves you, then there is truly & honestly nothing he wouldn't do for you. He adores my kids and they adore him. My heart has always hurt for him because he is simultaneously the toughest and most fragile person in the world. He takes things so personally and feels things very deeply.

I'm just scared for him right now, though. I really hope that the police are right & this was just a random case of mistaken identity. Because I hate the thought that someone is out there who wants to hurt my baby brother! But if I do find out who did this, I may have to unleash some big sister revenge. Because even when we are middle aged, nobody better mess with my baby brother!

***UPDATE***

Spoke to my dad this morning & my brother's jaw is broken in two places and the tooth that got knocked out broke off, leaving the root (also the site of one of the breaks, the other being where fist met jaw). OW. He is scheduled for surgery this afternoon and will have two plates in his jaw and lots & lots of stitches. No word from police yet. Good times.

**UPDATE #2***
He's in surgery now. His jaw was actually broken in three places. Both joints and then around his chin - something about the force of the impact going all the way through. He'll have three titanium plates put in and then the dr will try to but his teeth all back the right way. I'm thinking I'll get him a milkshake machine for Christmas.

**POST_SURGERY UPDATE***
He did really well in surgery. He ended up w/ four titanium plates (two in his chin!) and 26 screws in his jaw. ZOWIE! He seems to be okay. He was talking a little bit last night. And that tooth that got knocked out? There was no tooth knocked out. What looked like a broken tooth on the x-ray was actually the break in his jaw bone. It was so huge and jagged that it looked like a broken tooth. (Yeah. Insert expletive here.) I'm buying him a hockey mask.

Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts & messages. It got me through yesterday! I love you guys!

It's the most Stressful Wonderful Time of the Year

How does this happen every year? How is it that I plan, VOW, from Dec 26, I will get my Christmas presents bought little by little over the year? And then, every year, it is suddenly the week of Thanksgiving and I realize that, CRAP! I haven't been buying presents!! I've been making mental lists of all of the cool things that I plan to get my loved ones for Christmas. And I have been mentally paring that list down as I realize that all those trips to all those out-of-town soccer games have left our finances a leeetle tighter than they were last year. Note to SugarPlum: Surprise! Your Christmas present is that you get to play soccer. That is the most freaking expensive present that anyone in our family is getting - by far.


I actually do have a couple of gifts already. There's the huge Lego set for the boys that I found on clearance at WalMart in July. The miracle there is that a) I remember, four months later, that I bought it; and b) that I remember, four months later, where I put it! Yay me! I also managed to nab a couple of gifts at a recent holiday bazaar that we went to, but that was totally happenstance.

As for that mental list, I had every intention of making those purchases well before, well, NOW, because I hate, hate, hate shopping at Christmas. People are so ugly and mean when they are Christmas shopping. And that makes me sad....and pissy. So, I've decided that I am going to make most of my purchases online. This wears me out because I am always determined to find the best of what I am looking for: best telescope, best video mp3 player, best (gift that I am getting for SugarDaddy). So, I go to several different sites to read reviews and then to compare prices. Then, inevitably, my short attention span gets the best of me & I forget where I found the best buy and have to start over. It's almost as exhausting as getting out and actually physically shopping. Only without the rude people.

THEN I found Shop.com. And this place rocks. I know that there are lots of comparison shopping sites. But those always end up frustrating me. Shop.com is designed for women. Don't ask me how, it just makes more sense to me. I like it. I can find what I want and, regardless of which store I am buying from, it all goes into one cart and gets paid for at once. No forgetting where I found the good buys!

Mom Central describes it thusly:

Shop.com is a comparison shopping site specifically designed for women that allows you to shop from over 2,000 merchants all in one place. Purchases can be conveniently made using one universal "shopping cart" to buy everything at one time or by clicking over to participating merchants' sites.

SHOP.COM gives busy moms an opportunity to ease the stress of holiday shopping with tools to help us figure out what to buy, find recommendations, and pinpoint which stores have the best price. With a combined total of over 20 million products, we can stop running from store to store to find the best deal or the perfect gift for the impossible-to-shop-for relative.

Additionally, SHOP.COM provides expert advice, shopping tips, and articles, while giving easy ways to save money via price comparison tools, coupons, and rebates.

See? Cool. And stress reducing. I am SO using this site this year. It'll save me a ton of money on Xanax alone!!


Happy Shopping!

Thanksgiving Giggle.....and a chance to save a life?

UPDATE:

Occasionally, I get over to read The Domestic Diva, who is really quite wonderful. Today, though, Lisa is pleading for help in saving her daughter's life. Marielle is in dire need of a kidney. This sweet "Sunshine Girl" has been in so much pain lately and Lisa has had such a hard time getting the hospital to help, that she has changed Marielle's hospital. Go, read about this precious family and see if you or someone you know might be able to help.

I share because I care, people.

I received this in an email from a friend. It's too funny not to share....


IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live! Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of m oney, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

See - GENIUS! I told you!

Why do people argue with me? I told you I'm always right!!

There Are 0 Gaps in Your Knowledge

Where you have gaps in your knowledge: No Gaps! Where you don't have gaps in your knowledge: Philosophy Religion Economics Literature History Science Art

Do You Have Gaps in Your Knowledge?

The last political post for a while (and you thought the others were rambling and incoherent!)

Okay, no, my team didn't win. And yes, I am very disappointed and more than a little scared. But I also have a very strong faith and I know that God is still in control no matter who is in the White House. (But I am wearing black all day today. Because the stores are all sold out of sackcloth and ashes)

That said, before I can "move on," I must vent.

I figured that this was how the election would turn out. I really hoped and prayed that John McCain would end up winning, but bless his heart, there are just some things he refused to do or say just to get elected. Which is one of the many things I do admire about the man. He has integrity enough for all of us.

What has me cranky right now, is one person in particular who asked me to go read her post about how great this all turned out. So, I did and left what I thought was a respectful comment. But I did feel that I had to mention my uneasiness about the socialist, big government leanings of our now-president-elect. This person responded (very politely and respectfully as well, I will concede) by implying that I was simply responding to "campaign rhetoric and fear mongering." Well, socialism is socialism. And "spreading the wealth" is straight from Karl Marx and is pretty much the dictionary definition of socialism - at least when the government is who gets to decide where and to whom my "wealth" is spread.

I am not a selfish person. Nor are most conservatives. From the research I have done (and I don't have time to provide links to the places I have researched, but rest assured I am not just assuming or repeating what I have heard), my family and I give a much greater percentage of our income to charities and to help those in need than either of the incoming members of our executive branch. I am afraid that I won't be able to give to these people and agencies any longer if the government is going to be taking that money in the form of taxes. Or at least I won't be able to give as much. Because I will still give what I can. This is what the Bible - and my conscience - says to do.

I am an intelligent, well educated woman who thinks for herself and I form my opinions based on what I see and hear from the candidates themselves. Not what people tell me to think, not what any campaign says.. I know that there are lots of us on both the left and the right. I just really resent people assuming that I don't know what I am talking about. Or that I am some sheep. I don't drink the koolaid. Anyone's koolaid.

:::DEEP CLEANSING BREATH:::

That said.....I will not be forced into being some bitter, pessimistic person who is toppled by one election that I am dissatisfied with. I will not be like those people four and eight years ago who said that if their guy didn't win, they were moving to Canada or France or wherever (but, golly, why didn't they?). Because I am an American. And damn proud of it. We're better than that. And even though my guy didn't win, it was the result of a free election and votes that were cast by secret ballot. And any citizen of this great country of ours was free to cast that vote without fear of retaliation or any other threat. And that is a remarkable and precious right and freedom. And we get to do this every four years. We have no dictators, no kings, no "ruling class."

This country we have is one amazing place. One man, one election cannot change this. And, you know what? I agree with Chris. I could be totally wrong about this new president. He may be just what we need. He may be able to bring us together and not ruin our economy and keep us safe. And I will be among the first to admit if I was wrong. I am reserving judgement about that. But either way, we will survive. Because God is good and I trust HIM.

So congratulations Sen Obama. I have already started to pray for you and will continue to do so. I will respect you, if for no other reason than you will be our President and the leader of our country. And those who show disrespect for that hurt us far more than they help. God bless you, Mr Obama. And God Bless America.

Red State has posted an Obama Administration Survival Guide. It actually has some great points and isn't vitriolic at all. Very good, encouraging thoughts and advice.

Our most precious, amazing right....

I think you can pretty much figure out how I am hoping you vote. But mostly, I just hope that you VOTE. Better do it now, though. If things go wrong, who knows how much longer we'll have that right. (sorry, I'm a little anxious)

UPDATE: Okay, so, obviously, I'm not thrilled with how things have turned out tonight. But I did read Chris' post at My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and it made me feel a little better. Or at least it gave me a kick in the pants I needed to get over it and move on already. If you need a boost go read it!

Socialism: Not so "fair" when it's YOUR wealth being spread....

Green Works!!!

I've been meaning to post about this for weeks & keep getting caught up in other "issues" and forgetting.


Obviously, I am not an "earthy, crunchy" tree-hugging type of person. But I have also told y'all plenty of times about how I prefer to use the most natural foods possible in feeding my family. The same goes for cleaning my house. BUT I also want to use products that are going to be the most effective and help me get housework done as quickly as possible, with the least effort, and with the longest lasting effect. For example, I use baking soda to scrub my sink. Not just because it is natural and doesn't hurt my skin, but also because it works at least as well as any scouring powder I have ever used. Plus, if it somehow ends up in someone's cup or bowl, it won't require a trip to the ER.


Now, I have been trying various "green" products over the past few years, honing in on what works best. I tried several "green" dishwasher detergents and still haven't found one that gets my dishes as clean as I'd like. I've also tried various multi-purpose sprays and glass cleaners. Most of those haven't worked well at all and/or the smell has made me crazy. (Lilac and lavender both gag me and give me a nasty headache!)


MomCentral invited me to take a look at the new site, 30 Days to Natural, from Green Works cleaners (by the makers of Clorox). It's a really cool site with lots of tips on how to make cleaning your house a little more natural. You can have little tips emailed or texted to you each day. They even have a list you can print of easy ways to make you kitchen more natural.

I was lucky enough to get a bottle GreenWorks All Purpose Cleaner. I was pleasantly surprised at how effective it was. Even on my nasty stainless steel stove that is a giant PITA to clean, usually. I used it on the countertops & sink in the kitchen and then took it to clean the bathroom sink & the outside of the toilet. AND? My hands weren't burning when I finished, nor did I have a headache! We have a winner.

I'm looking forward to trying the GreenWorks glass cleaner and toilet bowl cleaner next. I am really enjoying this new "Natural" me!

No, SERIOUSLY

SOCIALISM. "Spreading the wealth" - that's called SOCIALISM. That's what they want to bring us. Everything else just falls into place after that. Their version of "morality." They get to choose how you live, what you do....don't you people SEE THAT? Is that what you want?

And don't be fooled. There are rich people and poor people under socialism, too. Only the divide is much, much greater. And the chance of "anybody" being able to make it through hard work is just a joke. Look at Cuba. Look back at Russia. Look at China. There are/were very wealthy people there. They were the ruling class and they live(d) high on the hog. At the expense of everyone else in that country.

And you people want to CHOOSE THAT?

You are freely VOTING FOR THAT? It's insane, that's what it is. Before you vote in seven days, take a few minutes to look at "Spreading the wealth" and how well it has worked. Look up Karl Marx. East Germany. That little country that used to exist called the "Soviet Union." See how taking all incentives for excellence and hard work "improve" a nation. They don't. They lead to its downfall. We are better than that.

You want change? That's all you're going to have left if you make the wrong choice. The change in your pocket. About 37 cents. The rest of it is going to the government. If we aren't wiped off the planet first.

Don't do this to us. We are the greatest country in the history of the world. Don't blow it.

Sorry, I'm freaking out a little. Please excuse me. I realize this probably isn't even coherent. I should never post right after watching the news. Nothing to see here....move along folks....

UPDATE: Lizzi at The Bitten Word explains the whole tax cut/increase scam in her post What Obama's Tax Plan Means For You. It is fantastic & explains things much more clearly than I ever could.

Revealing my Red Side

It won't come as a big surprise to anyone how I am voting. I have made no secret of the fact that I am a Republican. Have been since I was 10 years old and Ronald Reagan was running for his first term. My parents took me to both the GOP and the Democrat headquarters answered any questions I had. It didn't take me long to come to figure out what makes sense and what....was crazy. Also, I fell in love with Ronald Reagan. Understandably.

I have tried really, really hard to keep my mouth shut and be happy, happy and non-political here. Which is one of the reasons posting has been so sparse. The thing is, I LOVE politics. And I have STRONG opinions. I try to educate myself about all sides of an issue. I am compassionate. But I am also sensible. And I have to tell you that this Presidential race has been driving me crazy for months & months.

McCain wasn't my first choice for the GOP. He's a very good man and I admire him. But he was not my ideal candidate. I was a Fred Thompson girl. But McCain got the nomination. And, considering the alternative, I am behind him all the way. I am a social conservative as well as a fiscal conservative. I am NOT a single issue voter. But when it comes down to the big picture? It's all about taxes and national security.

Taxes. The economy. DUH.

The whole "punish the rich" frame of mind confounds me. Even my 11 year old has figured out that raising taxes on the rich & on corporations doesn't help anything. I don't get why people don't understand the whole taxes/revenue thing. It's very very simple. When taxes are lowered, tax revenue increases. Seems paradoxical? Not really. Think about it. When people get to keep more of their money instead of giving it to the government, what do they do? They spend it. And when they buy stuff, who benefits? The people who make the stuff and sell the stuff. And when more people are buying more stuff, then more stuff needs to be made which...creates jobs. And when jobs are created, that's more people to pay taxes and? more people to buy stuff. See the circle of prosperity? More taxpayers = more tax revenue.

Conversely.....if I am forced to give more of my money to the government, I am going to buy less stuff, much like most people I know. And if we are all buying less stuff, there less of a need for people to make stuff & therefore FEWER taxpayers & lower tax revenues.

The other argument is that they are taxing corporations. That's great. After all, corporations are things, right? And if you are taxing a corporation then nobody gets hurt, right? Ummmmm....no. See, when corporations (businesses) are taxed, then that is money that they don't have to hire new people. And/or they have to raise the price of their products. Businesses don't pay taxes. YOU pay their taxes. And not because they are greedy, money-hoarding assholes. But because in order to pay their employees, their share-holders, and their bills, they must turn a profit.


Here's what SugarPlum and I discussed. Say you have a lemonade stand. You are selling lemonade at 25 cents/cup. Then your mom tells you that for every cup you sell, you have to give her 10 cents. What are you going to do? Well, my 11-year-old tells me that she will start charging 35 cents. And this is what most businesses do. Only, in addition to raising their prices, they are also forced to reduce their costs - either stop hiring and/or firing employees. Which means? Fewer taxpayers. Less people buying stuff. Lower tax revenue. Hmmm.

I am not in any way saying that we should abolish the income tax (though, a flat tax or a National Sales tax makes more sense to me). There are many very necessary services that our taxes pay for. National Security for one thing. They also pay for US Mail, the FCC, the FDA, Social Security, highways, schools, etc, etc, etc.....some things I agree with, some I do not. But, I won't be opening that can of worms. For now.


But, I DO take issue with the whole "spread the wealth" philosophy that is being spouted right now. That is called SOCIALISM and it doesn't work. It fails - every. time.


I know that I mentioned National Security up there, too. But this post is long, rambling ,and incoherent enough. There are very strong, divisive views on the wars and about our National Security out there. I'm sure I'll get worked up enough again soon to share that as well. If you want to hear more about that, let me know. I can get that posted here, too. If you dare.

If I start talking politics, you'll never get me off my soapbox....but this is too funny

" I keep thinking we should include something in the Constitution in case the people elect a fucking moron."

Sorry...the print is very teensy, so I transcribed!

Things I swore I would never, ever say to my kids (and then I became a Mother!)

• If you aren't asleep soon, I'm coming in there and spanking your bottom!
• How can you possibly call this room clean?
• Please just stop talking. For five minutes. That's all I'm asking.
• I didn't ask if you wanted to, I told you to clean off the table/pick up the legos/go feed the dogs......
• Really? That's how you are going to do your hair for school?
• I embarrassed you? Well, then, my work here is done!
• You can eat it or not eat it, but this is what we are having for supper.
• When you get a job, you can have all the (insert toy/food here) you want. But I don't have any money for that today.
• Yeah, well, LIFE'S not fair! Get used to it.
• I don't care that your friends get to. If it's that important to you, maybe you should live there.
• Yes, you can (insert activity here). As soon as you get your room cleaned up.
• Because I'm mean and evil through and through.
• Also? Because I said so!

Now it's your turn. What did I leave out?

Now, where was I?

Oh, hi! Fancy meeting you here! Someone reminded me recently that I did, in fact, at one point in my life, maintain a blog. Since it has been so long since I was here, I had totally forgotten about that. Imagine!

Okay, no, not really. But life has been wild lately and as much as I love you people, posting here hasn't been as big of a priority as, say, my marriage. Or my children. Little things. Crazy, I know, but true.

Oh, yeah. And I went on a cruise with four friends to celebrate my friend Matt's 40th birthday. (Just for the record, I have had a crush on Matt since the 7th grade. Unfortunately for me, his partner, Andy, won his heart. So, instead we sat on a ship to the Bahamas together last weekend and evaluated the hot guys. And drank Pina Coladas. All in all, that was pretty cool.) Anyway...yes, went on a cruise, didn't get a sunburn, didn't get rip-roaring drunk, got enough sleep, didn't gain a single pound (I know, right?!)...I was the very picture of all things in moderation. I realize that this DOES officially make me an old person. But you know what? I don't care. I got to have a fantastic time and then come home to my family and not be wiped-out exhausted and on the verge of illness - as I might have in the past.

I guess that the last time I woke up the morning-after-the-night-before saying, "I'll never do THAT again," I really meant it. Some people can wake up with a hangover, take some aspirin, drink some coffee and get on with the day. For me, a hangover is a three-day affair. On the up side, I usually end up losing about five pounds. On the downside, as soon as I can keep water down, I gain it right back.

So, I was careful about my consumption on this trip. It was only a three day cruise, so if I got drunk the first night, that would pretty much have ruined it for me. And then, I would have been PISSED. Because I had been looking forward to this trip for months. Also? I got a new bikini and I look HOT in it. If I do say so myself.

The only crappy part of the whole thing was not being able to call home. As much as I looked forward to some totally kid-free time, I missed the little buggers. And their daddy. My bestest friend CRB missed her hubby and kiddos, too. Especially the cutest baby in the world, my Buttercup**. So when she decided to dash it all and phone home from Nassau, I looked pitiful until she handed me her cell phone and let me follow suite. It was like a junkie getting a fix. Hearing my babies voices made it all better. Especially since I would be home like, 24 hours later. I'm so lame.

This was my first cruise. And it was fun. I mean, laying on a private beach, under a palm tree, with a frozen drink in my hand and a warm breeze blowing across me and is pretty much my idea of heaven. It was the first time in a long time that I have been totally relaxed. But I could have dealt with a bigger room. An 8'x10' cabin for three women is asking a lot. The whole "rocking boat" thing I could have lived without. I think I'm more of an All-Inclusive Resort kind of girl. I really dig the beach part & would have like to have STAYED there. But if anyone else wants to take me on a cruise for free, I certainly won't say no.


**If you scroll down to about the third post or so, you can see a picture of Buttercup with her Aunt Buffi - the person who loves her the most!

Things I have been excited about that, in retrospect are just flat-out irritating

• "Wow! Gas is only $3.62 at that station!"
• "The boys actually stayed in bed all night!"
• "Hmmmm, it only got up to 101 today. So much better than 110!"
• "I'm down to four loads of laundry! WOO HOO!"
• "If I listen to children whine for five hours straight without killing anyone, will I get a prize?
• "I got out of Target under $100! I ROCK!"
• SugarPlum's sneakers still fit. That means I only have to buy shoes for the boys....and "nice" flipflops for SP."
• The boys now wear the same size nighttime pull ups. Now I can buy just one size! (for the five and seven year olds who still pee all night...)
• I'm so glad that my parents were never judged by the horrifyingly bad choices I made when I was seventeen....

Conversations with Bug & Bear

Bear (looking at a red SAAB convertible): That's a sweet convertible, isn't it, Mommy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told the boys that since they didn't get the Legos picked up, that they wouldn't get to play with them for a week.

Bug: A week? I can live with a week.


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Bug: Mommy! Guess what my favorite thing is!

Me: Umm...snuggling your Mommy?

Bug: No!

Me: Kissing your Mommy?

Bug: No!

Me: Hugging your Mommy?

Bug: NO!

Me: Taking a nap...with your Mommy?!

Bug: No, Mommy!

Me: What then? What's your favorite thing?

Bug: NINJAS!

(The Bloggess would be so proud)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bug: When I grow up, I will live in a different family. I will have a family of my own and i will be the Daddy.

Me: How many kids are you going to have?

Bug: Six.

Me: (!) Wow. Boys or girls?

Bug: Well, I guess whatever they come out as!

Me: giggle

Bug: But, I hope that they are all girls because boys make REALLY big messes!

All's well in Candyland

I know, I know. TWO WEEKS. Two weeks since my last post. Crazy, right?

I'm fine. Everyone is fine. Things were a little tense around here, but nothing too extraordinary. I have just been trying to re-prioritize since things have gotten a little out of whack. We went to visit my parents for a few days. Then we all went to the lake for a couple of days and even rented a boat! A good time was had by all.

Now I am focusing on spending time with SD and the SugarBabies since school starts next week. I am reeeaaaalllllly happy that school is starting next week. But it is also a little bittersweet. I am looking at all the time I wasted when I could have been taking the kids to the water park or the library or the park....or just spending time enjoying them more. I hate that. Fortunately, they had each other to play with (and fight with).

All three kids are SO excited about school starting. SugarPlum starts jr. high and is just beside herself. Last night she went to the Candyland Junior High 6th grade skating party. She had a blast and got to see her buddies and meet a few new kids, too. She is growing up so very, very fast. I'm torn between being proud and being sad, once again at how time flies. She gets her schedule and locker, etc Thursday evening. She is really looking forward to it. She's been speculating on what classes she will get and who will be in them. I remember not being able to even imagine what jr high would be like. She seems much less apprehensive than I was. But she has always had such amazing self confidence and maturity, so I'm not surprised.

Bug starts Kindergarten and is about to burst with excitement. Candyland Elementary only has one Kindergarten class, so we already know his teacher (who is NOT the old biddy who was Bear's kindergarten teacher, thank goodness!) and he loves, loves, loves her. And she seems to already be pretty fond of him. This is such a relief, considering what a hard time we had with Bear's teacher. Mrs. Kindergarten sent them all a postcard a couple of weeks ago and he was over the moon! I'm really looking forward to this year with her.

Bear starts 2nd grade. He seems happy to be starting, but I think a lot of that is that he is just so bored at home! I'm a little concerned for him because he just doesn't seem to be able to focus lately. And he seems too quick to freak out over things. His teacher last year loved him and really tried to find ways to help him learn. She recognized that he is highly intelligent and she worked with me to figure out his learning style. I am hoping that his teacher this year will be as accommodating. He is such a sweet child but can be really, very frustrating. Right now, I am having him work on handwriting because his somehow got worse by the end of last school year. I may have a new ulcer by the end of the week.

So....that's what's going on. I'm going back to my babies. I should be posting more regularly once everyone is settled into the school routine. Until I find a job anyway. We'll see. Thank you to all of you who have checked in on me, emailed, called, Twittered. I am so happy to have you. People who don't blog just don't get how I can have these friends from all over the world who I love like I do you all. That's too bad for them. You all are wonderful.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

As much as I hate to, I am thinking of going back to work. I'm not even sure what I would want to do. I haven't had a job in nearly 12 years (other than working in the baby room at the Mothers Day Out on Thursdays...occasionally). I have a degree in Early Childhood and I'm certified to teach thru sixth grade. I really don't want to go back to teaching. There are many things I would like to do, but I have no idea how to achieve any of them. At least not any time soon.

No secret that I'd like to be a lactation consultant and/or a doula. But I'd have to take lots of and classes and put in lots of volunteer hours to do this. And I just don't have that in my now. Something else I'd like to do is be a Family Life Educator. Honestly, I could probably get some sort of job that is kind of like that right now.

I'm not wanting to get rich. I just need to find a way to not be dependent on anyone else. Just to prove to myself that I can. I mean, I know I can...but I have been having a lot of self doubt. I've been trying to find some writing jobs. I really like writing and would love to do it more. But, it's difficult in the summer when the kids are home and all over the place. I can't concentrate enough to write anything of quality. (I know...obviously!) I want to spend time with my munchkins. They are actually pretty cool kids...when they're not making me homicidal. I try to write at night, after everyone is in bed, but then, evidently, I'm cheating my husband of time. BALANCE. It's elusive.

*sigh* Maybe after school starts in a few weeks. Yeah, because things always get EASIER after school starts. *hmph*

I don't know. I'm feeling sad and lost and introspective. I'm not caught in the "whirling vortex of despair," but I can see it from here. There is a lot going on that I really don't want to talk about right now to the whole internet. Sorry to subject you to this. I suppose I'm just hoping that someone will have some good advice for me. Time for me to put on my big girl panties and act like a grown up, I guess.

Thanks for listening....if you didn't fall asleep first.

My Hero!

SugarBug decided to be a Superhero today. SUPER BUGGY!

(it was hard not to giggle at him!)

Obviously I need to censor myself better...but at least it wasn't the f-bomb

Bear, noticing the rather large ding in my windshield:

"Wow! That was a damn big rock!"

Me: *coughcoughcough* What did you say?

Bear: "That was a damn big rock!"

Yes, we discussed how that wasn't a word that is okay children use, blah, blah, blah....

LATER:

after telling SugarDaddy about the earlier conversation: *snicker* "Well, at least he used it correctly!"

Me: That's what I was thinking! hee hee hee

Again, where was my camera?!

Driving home from, yes, another soccer tournament yesterday, we passed the Adult Video & Bookstore that is out in the big middle of Nowheresville. I have mentioned it before, not that long ago. Well, this time SD was with us and he was the one who noticed the sign that said:

Adult Video sale! RISE TO THE OCCASION!

Seriously? I have to hope that the meant to do that.

Help! I'm melting! (and a SugarPuppy update)

W0e are at another soccer tournament in DALLAS this weekend. Seriously, it's like 147 degrees. It is miserable. Though, watching my girl play goalie like a pro makes it totally worth it. She is amazing. It would be even better if it was about 85 degrees.

I know, bitch & moan, bitch and moan......

On a good note, we got Snazzy home Thursday! SO happy. Actually a lady found her about five blocks from our house. That she was sighted with Yogi when he was found about 8 miles from our house, makes it a miracle, I think. She was coming home.....again! Everyone seems healthy and happy! My kids are still beside themselves.

Okay....off to sweat to death at our final game. Pray that I don't melt!!

More random crap about me....just what you wanted, right?!

My lovely friend, Faith, from Momma's Tantrum has tagged me for a meme. I have done this one before, with varying numbers of required "random things." So, I will try to think of six MORE random things...but if I repeat myself, sorry.

Six Random Things About Me

1. I am a dog person. I have had at least one dog all my life except for the first year I was married and for the 2 1/2 years we lived in England. And I was so sad without one. In fact, I got my first dog after I was married on my first anniversary. Her name was Mischief (for a reason!) and she was one of the best dogs ever. Right now, we are anxiously awaiting the return of Snazzy, who escaped Saturday night with Yogi. Yogi was found by a very nice lady about eight miles from our house. But still no Snazzy puppy. We are all profoundly saddened by this. :(
2. I have a real need to watch the local news every night. I get twitchy when I can't watch it.
3. I can read encyclopedias for HOURS. I love Google and how handy it is to look up information (sometimes too handy - re: medical issues!). But when I am at my parents' house I look stuff up in our old encyclopedias and end up with seven or eight of them stacked around me later and reading about whatever has caught my attention. Sort of Informational ADD.
4. I have an inexplicable, almost unnatural love for Gorgonzola cheese. I put it on pizza, pasta, salad. LOVE IT. Maybe it's because it's one of the few foods I don't have to share. At least not with the kids, who run screaming when I say that's what I'm eating.
5. I. cannot. stand. Celine. Dion. No, seriously. I still have never seen Titanic because of her. She is quite possibly the most over-rated singer of all time. And she is weirder than weird. Ugh.
6. I don't understand hockey. And I REALLY don't understand why we have hockey in the South. It is a COLD sport, people. It's crazy that there is hockey in DALLAS, TEXAS of all places. When Dallas won the Stanley Cup a few years ago, I heralded it as the first sign of the apocalypse. Truly. It's that disturbing.
   
   THE RULES:
   
   Link to the person who tagged you.
   
   Post the rules on your blog.
   
   Write six random things about yourself.
   
   Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
   
   Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
   
   Let your tagger know when your blog entry is up.
   

So, since I have to tag six people, I guess it'll be....

OH HELL. You know I can't tag anyone. Everyone gets pissed at me when I tag them. If you want to do it, please, DO! And leave me a comment and let me know that you did. (Though, Faith, next time I have to do this, you are SO getting tagged back - love you!)

Why Bug is my favorite right now

Since my surgery, the boys have been all about gallbladders, the digestive system and just anatomy in general. So, last weekend, I bought them one of those science books about the human body with sections on muscles, nerves, different systems, the brain, skin, etc. And it has those cool overlays and really great descriptions and explanations of the various parts of the body. All three kids have been poring over it daily.

So, the other night, SD and I were looking through the book with them and they came to the section about the brain. We were talking about how different parts of the brain control different parts of the body and its functions. SD told them about how the front lobe controls personality and, essentially, about frontal lobotomies. How doctors do this (albeit RARELY) to "cure" sever mental/personality disorders.

Then SugarBug - totally seriously - says, "Is that what happened to you, Daddy?"

Perspective

You know, no matter how many lost wallets, extracted gall bladders, screaming kids, marital issues and other crap I have endured, never in all my days have I had to deal with what Lisa has had to deal with today. Never have I had to contemplate telling my children and everyone else that I love that I, most likely, am dying. AND? That while I am getting sicker and sicker I don't know how we will afford to put food on the table or a roof over our heads. It is a nightmare that I can't even let myself imagine. And yet, Lisa is living it. Right. now.

And to make things even more unbearable, someone is trying to take advantage of her situation to make himself look good. How is it that parasites like this are allowed to continue existing on this planet? Incomprehensible. And disgusting. That's what that is.

I apologize for every single time I have complained about my life. Because my life is amazing and comfortable and healthy and carefree and wonderful. I wouldn't trade this life or these people for anything in the world. So to those who might not be sure, know this: I love you. I appreciate you. I will not take any of you or any day God has given me for granted.

If there is any way you can help Lisa and her family through this, please try. Even if all you can afford is prayers, I'm sure that they would be welcome. Isn't that what we are all here for? To support each other?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

ATTENTION ALL CANDYLAND HUSBANDS:

Four days until your wife's birthday. You still have time to get her a great gift! She has even made it SUPER EASY for you by putting her Wishpot wishlist in the sidebar over there ----->

Click on that or go to the site. Buy one of the many wonderful things she has expressed an interest in having. The sparkly, ones for the ears will get you lots of good karma. (If that's what the kids are calling it nowadays) (Not OUR kids....::shudder::)

Act now before it's too late!!!!!

(attention all IRL friends of Candyland. Help SugarDaddy out here & remind him. No excuses!)

(All the rest of you: Go check out Wishpot.com. It's a really, really cool way to get your wishlist going or keep track of those things you find on the interwebs and then wonder, Now where did I see that?)

How to make an ass of yourself for three days solid (A Step-By-Step Guide)

1. Go to get your haircut.
2. and one for your daughter.
3. When it's time to pay, realize that you must have left your wallet in the car.
4. Go look in car.
5. Realize that you must - for some unknown reason (probably those rotten boys) - have taken your wallet out at home and left it.
6. Go back in hair place, offer to leave daughter as collateral and run home (with daughter since the hair ladies are terribly trusting) and tear house apart (as well as car).
7. FREAK THE HELL OUT because you can't find your wallet.
8. Call CVS to see if you could have possibly left your wallet there when you went to get (yes, ashamedly) Hairstyle magazines.
9. FREAK OUT EVEN MORE because the lady says your wallet isn't there.
10. Dig out the credit card that you were going to stop using from the desk drawer so that you can go back and pay for the haircuts (which, incidentally, was possibly the worst haircut you have ever received and make note to self to never, ever get hair cut at "Kidz Kutz" ever again).
11. Consider very real possibility that some kid at the hair place took the wallet from your purse during the 29 seconds you turned your back to talk to lady cutting daughter's hair (which, incidentally was the most fantastic haircut ever - maybe THAT lady could cut your hair)
12. Pick boys up from kind friend's house and see if there is any chance that you took your purse in for the 5 minutes you were there dropping boys off and left your wallet.
13. Of course not.
14. Drag everyone home and bribe them all with $5 for who ever finds the wallet.
15. No dice.
16. Admit to husband that though yes, that very day, he escorted you to get a new military ID because you had lost yours just days before, you have now lost your wallet (containing new ID) and it was most likely stolen by some little hoodlum at Kidz Kutz.
17. Consider the very real possibility that the UNIVERSE IS FUCKING WITH YOU.
18. Wait for husband to come home and look for your wallet because he is always great at finding lost things.
19. Still. no. wallet.
20. Call all credit card companies to report stolen cards.
21. Call bank to report stolen ATM cards (yes there were 2)
22. Contact credit bureaus to flag your & husbands SSNs because they are on (brand freakin' new) military ID.
23. Realize that there was a $25 Old Navy gift card, $5 Starbucks card about $85 in cash in stolen wallet. Fucking hoodlum.
24. Realize that only good news is that drivers license was NOT in wallet because you'd had it out all week to get on base w/ the temp pass while husband was TDY (out of town).
25. Apologize to husband 900 times for losing wallet even though he is being very gracious and kind - which couldn't be easy for him - about the whole situation.
26. Sulk, bitch and moan all day Saturday about the little hoodlum who took your wallet even though you know that it won't do any good.
27. Go to Sunday School even though you're still feeling sore & crappy from surgery and grouchy about lost wallet.
28. Yell at children who ask for offering money because ALL OF MY MONEY WAS IN MY WALLET you foolish children!
29. Come home from Sunday School to discover a message on your voicemail from the manager at CVS.
30. Call and discover that your wallet was at CVS all this time, locked in the safe, but that the stupid girl that you AND husband talked to wouldn't even go to the trouble of asking her boss if a wallet was found.
31. Resist urge to curse stupid, stupid girl once you realize that if you had half a brain then you would have put the wallet in your purse and not left it on the counter by the register.
32. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?
33. Throw a big "I found my wallet" Party all day long. (Okay, that's an exaggeration. Perhaps what is closer to the truth is call your best friend and sing the "I found my wallet" happy song and make a total fool of yourself.)
34. Still believe that the universe was fucking with you because, COME ON.

A Poem for that "friend" who just won't go the hell away

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.

Just walk the other direction and get the fuck out of here already.

Geez, take a hint.

Deep Thoughts from SugarBear

I wasn't sure how to interpret this, but it was so sweet and awfully wise for a seven-year-old.


Mommy, I can't wait until I have grandkids.


You'll have to be a Daddy, first, Bear. You'll be such a good Daddy.


Yeah, but when I'm a Granddaddy I can really play with my grandkids and just have fun. That'll be good.


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How sweet is this kid?!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, comments, and nice emails. I'm getting better every day. Still pretty exhausted though. New post tomorrow...or sometime soon....

Happy Independence Day!

I shall go celebrate by taking a Vicodin and a nap.

Be safe all of you!

Home again, home again jiggety-OOMPH

Well, I am home and without gall bladder. I hurt like hell, but not anywhere NEAR as bad as I was afraid I'd feel, so at least there's that. I will tell you all about it later, but for now I am going to take some more drugs and lie down.

Thank you all for the prayers. I've no doubt that they helped unbelievably!

Hugs & kisses to you all!

Say a little prayer for me...

Well, it's official. I am going to the hospital at 6:30 tomorrow morning to have my gallbladder removed. I am a little anxious, but I'm so ready to have this over with that I'm just relieved. Maybe I'm just fooling myself though, because I have been queasy and irritable all day. I don't like letting myself get all spun up over things like this. I don't think I slept but maybe 2 hours last night. I'm hoping that will work in my favor tonight & I will be so exhausted that I'll just pass out. 5:45 is going to come early, no matter what.

That said, Holli's pictures today reminded me that I have wanted to share these pictures I took on Father's Day (after the water balloon fight) of this very tiny praying mantis. Seriously, he couldn't have been more than an inch long but he was just so dang cool. Getting the shots was kind of difficult because he was so tiny. My auto-focus kept focusing on the trees or the roof in the background. But if I turned off the auto-focus, I couldn't get him at all. I did manage a couple of cool shots though.

by this point the little guy had had enough & was trying to flee the paparazzi thing I had going on

So, if you don't mind, if you have minute on Thursday, take a cue from the tiny, little, green guy up there and say a quick prayer for me and my surgeon! Much appreciated!

Soon to be gall(bladder)-less

Okay, so I saw the surgeon today. I sat for over an hour in the waiting room and yes, I was a leeetle pissy about that. I may have posted a slightly nasty Twitter about that way. Yet minutes later, I was back in the exam room with the surgeon, all was forgiven.

I am officially declaring my love for Dr. Gallbladder.

She had already read my records and looked at my ultrasound (okay, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but realize that I am accustomed to the military health care system and...well, let's just say that, while there are some really great doctors, there are some truly, ridiculously clueless and horrible "physicians" who walk into the room and say "Hey how's it going?" Yes, I'm serious.) and came in prepared to to talk with me about my options. Which, pretty much "suck it up and deal with it" or "get that sucker outa there!"

She reviewed the function (and MALfuction) of the gallbladder and then went over the surgery veeerrry thoroughly. She actually answered the only question I had (after my over-researching it with Dr Google) and she left me feeling very confident and secure about this.

She asked when I was wanting to have it out. I told her the sooner the better. So? It looks like it should be Thursday. Yes, THIS Thursday. My own little Independence Day! Woo hoo!! (assuming the hospital and insurance all agree) (which is a HUGE assumption)

So, listen up you crappy malfunctioning little organ in there: Your days are numbered! Two to be exact. Say your good-byes because it's the end of the line for you, you pain causing jerk!!

(You realize I have totally jinxed myself and now this won't be out until sometime in November, right?)

I've Got a Lotta Gall (stones)

I have been bitching on Twitter about this for a while now. And now I am subjecting you to it. Because I think my Tweeps may be sick of hearing about it. Lucky you.

While I was pregnant with Bear (7 1/2 years ago!) I found out from the sonographer I had at least one BIG gallstone. (seriously, the guy was like, "WOW! wouldja look at that!) Later on, I was told that I have several. I have asked doctors about this over the years and have been told that if they aren't giving me any problems, then I should just not worry about it. So, while it has remained in the back of my mind for all this time.

Until lately.

When I was visiting the Jackalords recently, I had trouble sleeping one night. I had this weird pain in my back. And sort of in my chest. It kinda felt like when you've drank too much soda all at once and you need to burp. Only you can't. So it hurts. But, I took some Motrin (and maybe some Xanax) and all was well.

For a few days.

Then just after Fathers' Day, the pain was back. With a vengeance. That Monday, I woke up SICK. SD stayed home for part of the morning until I started feeling better. Also, because SP started this sports conditioning camp & I certainly couldn't drive her there. I felt okay by mid-morning except that the pain was back in my back & chest AND it was now wrapping around my ribcage and shooting down my spine. My mind started racing...heart attack? Not likely- it was on the right side. Reflux? Didn't really feel like that. Anxiety attack? Nope. Still there after Xanax. Hypochondriac? There you go.

First I asked my Twitter buddies, and, while concerned, they didn't really have any solid answers other than GO TO THE DOCTOR ALREADY, Sicky McWhinypants!

So, I asked Dr. Google. And realized, DUH! Gallbladder!

Then, I DID call the doctor. On Tuesday. And again on Wednesday. And I finally got in on Thursday. I was told if it was so bad I needed to get in NOW? I could go to the ER. Hmph. Though they did have me go ahead and have my blood work done so that the doc could see the results as soon as I got there. "We're so sorry you feel like total shit. HEY! I know! You can go and have a needle stuck in your arm & three vials of blood drawn! FUN!"

By Thursday, I was unable to eat much more than toast, crackers, plain pasta...pretty much the Anti-Atkins diet. Also, you could FEEL my gallbladder bulging out of my abdomen. Oh, yeah, that was pleasant. My blood work all came back good, so I didn't have a blockage or an infection. Good. The doctor told me that it was probably my gallbladder. (!) And that he would put in a surgical consult. Also, I should head over to radiology and have an ultrasound. Now.

So, I bop on over to radiology (oh, yes I was ALL ABOUT bopping) and walked up to the check in window. I handed the guy my ID (USAF hospital) and said that I was there for an ultrasound. He looked at me funny and said, "We're not doing those today."

WTF?

I told him that this was rather urgent and he said that I'd have to go to the little office next door and make an appointment because they didn't have a sonographer today. (So glad I wasn't having a heart attack, "Sorry, we're not doing CPR today.") So I signed the sheet and sat down to WAIT to make an appointment for an urgent ultrasound. Finally the appointment lady came back (smoke break?) and said that she could get me in...WEDNESDAY. Um, no. Weeelllll, she could probably squeeze me in early Monday morning but that was it because the sonographer was gone till Monday. If I needed it before then...go to the ER. *sigh*

I spent a fairly miserable weekend at home. Though Saturday, I did manage to get several loads of laundry done that had piled up during the week. Then, Sunday, I was a big crying mess because I hurt so bad. SD took me to the ER. Where they drew more blood and told me that my blood pressure was a little high. No kidding? Pain. Heard of it? The ER doc thought that maybe I had indigestion (seriously) and had me drink the nastiest concoction I have every tasted. Maalox, viscous lidocaine, and some other nasty shit that almost made me throw up just from the horribleness of it. And - no surprise - my gallbladder still hurt. (seriously, why won't these people listen to me? I am always right!) But my digestive tract was numb. Good times. Oh, and he said that he didn't want to give me any more medication than I already had. I could take Fioricet (which I already have) for the pain. Asshole. I think that gallbladder pain deserves at least a little Vicodin. Just in case. Right?

Monday, I had the ultrasound. The nurse called me that afternoon (while I was napping) to tell me that I had gallstones (!) and that some were in my bile duct, so that was why I was having pain. Also, to be sure to keep my appointment with the surgeon. (As. if.) Which I didn't have yet. So...I called the referral fairies (seriously, it's like they are magic or something) and they told me...eventually, that my referral had been sent up to the base surgeon (who is leaving soon) and that he would review it. If he couldn't do it, then he would send it back to them and they would send me off base. I should call back THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK to find out.

Um, no.

I wasn't waiting to have a mole removed. I have an internal organ that is malfunctioning. I need something ASAP. I finally got through to the surgeon yesterday and my appointment is Monday. Seriously. That's the best they could do.

The irony is that right now, I am feeling pretty good, all things considered. I have eaten supper two nights in a row now. And not just toast. REAL food. I had a burger last night and we went out for Italian tonight. I have been SO HUNGRY. I figure, either I finally am not hungry & am okay, or my gallbladder starts to freak out, I have emergency surgery and finally get that fucker out! It's a WIN-WIN!

And if you have lasted through this whole long-winded post YOU deserve some Vicodin, too.

Thoughts while perusing my 20 Year HS Reunion Website

* Oh, look! She finally got married. Bless her heart.
* WOW! He's lost ALL of his hair in the past ten years!
* Wonder if she's still a bitch....of course she is.
* So glad to see that they are still married. They were always my favorite couple.
* LOOK! She has a blog! AND she Twitters!
* Really? He's married? To a GIRL? I would have bet it all that he was gay.
* Holy shit! SEVEN KIDS?
* Damn, he still looks good.
* She alive? I would swear I heard that she OD'd.
* He invented THAT? I knew I should have gone out with him when he asked.
* Oh, dear...still has that 80's hair doesn't she?
* Who the hell is that? I don't remember her at all.
* Wow. He reproduced? How unfortunate.
* Really? Posted your prom picture? Not your best moment, hon.
* Aw, cute kids! Wait. She has a 21 year old? That means that during senior year, she...hmmm. I have no memory of that.
* He made parole? Scary.
* She was always so skinny! No fair!
* Mmmmm. He still looks like Jason Bateman!
* I can't look at her with out hearing her sad, sad performance of Total Eclipse of the Heart in my head. Make it stop!!!

Oh, yes it also occurred to me that perhaps, MAYBE I have become a bit of a judgemental bitch. But let's keep that to ourselves, shall we?

She's 29! Again!

Haaaaaappppppy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday...

Chiquita Rosita Banana (who is NOT Yvonne's daughter!!!)

Hhaaaaaaaaapppppppyyyyyyyyyy

Birthday to YOOOUUUUU!!! (cha cha cha) <----- this is from Bug)

Happy Birthday my beautiful, precious friend. You have seen me thru years and years and years and years (okay, I'll let it go now) of joy and pain. I can't imagine my life without you! I love you soooo, much.

All I need is a jury full of moms....

This is what happens when I am trapped in the car with a five- and seven-year-old boy. Consider that this was all in the time it takes to get from Wal-Mart (*sigh* I KNOW, right?) to home. Not. that. long.....unless you're in the car with Abbot & Costello here:

Hey Bug! Knock, knock!


Who's there?


Knock Knock!


Who's there?


Knock Knock!


Who's there?


Banana


Banana Who?

Aren't you glad I didn't say Knock Knock again?!


Hahahahaha1 Hahahaha! heeee! heeeee! heee! hoo!!!


Boy that was funny, huh?
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Hey, Bear Look! There's a flying monkey....oops! it's gone!

Look, there's ANOTHER flying monkey! Oh, there it went!

Oh! There's a spider on your forehead

::Bear smacks his forehead::

*^*^*^uncontrollable laughter*^*^*^

Hey Bug, YOU have a spider....

On my forehead?

No! On your FIVEhead!!!!

*^*^*^uncontrollable laughter*^*^*^*

Look! There's something on your fivehead!

No! YOU have something on your SIXhead!

HA! HA! You have something on your SEVEN head!

Ka-PLOWEEEEE! (this was the sound of my head exploding)

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::whispering::Hey Bear! Bootie!

{giggling}

::slightly louder whisper::Hey Bug! Bootie!

Me: Boys! Cut it out!!!

{more giggling}

Doodie!

Doodie!

DOOOOODIE!

BOYS!!!!!!!

We weren't saying bootie!

ahahahahhahahahahaa!!!!!!!!

Bootie doodie pootie flootie!!!!!!!!!

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and then I had to kill them.

The language of my insanity

I've been contemplating my depression and all its facets. No, I'm okay right now, really!, just being introspective. Sometimes I wonder what it means when you realize you are crazy. Does it mean that you are reeeaaalllly crazy or does it mean that the meds are working you have gotten enough better to SEE that you are crazy & how bad you WERE? Does this even make sense?

Probably not. When I started writing this post, I said that I was okay. But I think that I was very much NOT okay, because the next day, I was having a "discussion" with SD and ended up shaking up my big bottle of crazy and spewing it all over him. It actually ended up being a good thing, though at the time, I am almost certain that he considered calling the men in the white coats. More than once. But by the end of my incoherent rant (which differs from my blog posts how?), I felt much better having given voice & words to the depression and anxiety that I have been dealing with over the past several years. It ebbs and flows, my depression. I mentioned possibly being bipolar a few weeks ago. I really don't think that I am. But I do think that I cycle in and out of depression quite often. I just don't get the "manic" parts of bi-polar. No, I still haven't talked to Dr. C about this because...well, I suppose because I still am not sure I can handle the answer.


Anyway, these are the words that I have associated my depression & anxiety. (How much more of a downer could I be?)

• despair
• alone
• overwhelmed
• dark
• helpless
• agitated
• ashamed
• pit
• hopeless
• anxious
• ache
• sleepless
• exhausted
• empty
• numb
• hurt
• fatigue
• pretending
• smoldering
• unfocused
• disappointing
• angry
• stress
• blurry
• crazy
• inadequate
• difficult
• medicated
• moody
• distracted
• insane
• trying
• misunderstood
• spinning
• ill
• brain
• dying
• low
• over-stimulated
• sensory deprivation
• messy
• apathy
• misunderstand
• suffering
• distorted
• cloudy
• worthless
• incapable
• dishonest
• black
• lifeline
• adrift
• entangled
• pathological
• joyless
• abyss
• reason (or lack of)
• rain
• undeserving
• bottomless
• falling
• regret
• frustrated
• disorder
• therapy
• fear
• lost

**As an aside, does anyone know how I could have made this list into two columns? I couldn't figure it out and it about pushed me over the edge (just kidding)!

War is Hell (Fathers Day was pretty awesome, though)

So. Fathers' Day. It kicked ass. The kids actually gave SugarDaddy his gift on Saturday. They gave him....a water gun fight. We gave him a big bag filled with five water guns. Yes, folks FIVE. He got the big gun (insert obvious joke here) and we each got a smaller gun. As you see, he was merciless.

And yet, he got almost as good as he gave.


But it was every man for himself. And Daddy had no mercy for any sweet SugarBaby. Or for Mommy. However, since I a) was the one holding the camera AND b) at this point wearing a white cotton tank top - a WET white cotton tank top - I was not included in the photos. Pity.



However a good time was had by all. Especially SugarDaddy, who declared it the Best Fathers' Day EVER. (Even if it was a day early).



Look at these rouges. It's like Bonnie & Clyde. And Darryl & Darryl.

You know, the last few weeks have been rough. I know I have whined before, but marriage is HARD. And sometimes, it's almost too hard. But somehow, we both decide that it's worth it and we keep on plugging. And it is worth it. Because you can see that he is, quite possibly, the BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD. (and I should know because I grew up with the best Daddy in the world - who set the bar REALLY HIGH.) He really does all he can to show these sweet kiddos that they are loved thoroughly and unconditionally. And I am trying harder every day to show HIM how much I love him and that I am listening and trying to do the things he as expressed as being important to him. And he is doing the same for me.

So, SugarDaddy - Thank you for being the Daddy our children deserve. And thank you for sticking with me through all the hard parts. I am looking forward to celebrating Grandparents Day with you. A LOOOOONG time from now. I love you. More than ever.

No funny today

I just received some sobering and devastating news. And it's making me count my blessings at a time when I have really been feeling less than blessed. God has a way of smacking you upside the head, sometimes, doesn't he?

Not long before we moved to England, a good friend of ours who was already stationed there, lost her husband in a one-person car accident. He had just returned from months of fighting in Kosovo and they had two small children, one was two and the other about four months old. It was life shattering to say the least.

But my friend moved back close to her home where there was an Air Force Base, and began to rebuild her life. A couple of years later, she met and married a lovely, sweet man who was a doctor. He was the perfect husband for her and a wonderful daddy to her children. He was a blessing to their lives.

In order to move up in his chosen field, my friend and her new husband moved their family to a place where he could receive training and become even more accomplished in his field. They had another baby, giving them, all together, four kids. They were very happy.

Then this precious man learned he had cancer.

Through a mutual friend, we were kept in the loop about how this sweet man and his family were doing and lately, it wasn't looking good. And today, I got an email from my friend the her husband passed away yesterday. I can't fathom the pain that she feels. She is only 34 years old and has buried two husbands. Her kids have lost two daddies. How do you explain that to yourself, much less an 11 and 9 year old?

My heart aches almost more than I can take for my friend. And I feel petty and ridiculous about the complaints I have had with my life considering we are all healthy and vibrant.

Please keep my friend Kim and her family in your prayers. And go hug and kiss your kids and husband or wife. Be sure you say I love you. Because you never, ever know when it will be the last time.

***UPDATED!*** Why didn't I have my camera? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Okay, y'all, seriously. I'm still laughing about this.

As I was driving home from our little adventure yesterday, I espied something that I have seen a zillion times, yet never really noticed. And people, it was HI-Larry-OUS!

So, as we are zipping down the highway, I glance over at the XXX Outlet <-----actual name of the place, not a euphemism or anything, I swear. The XXX Outlet is a store advertises that you can get, well, pretty much what you would expect of an establishment whose name is XXX. And at OUTLET PRICES! This is NOT what made me laugh. What made me laugh is the sign immediately next door to XXX Outlet. The sign that read: World's Best Beef Jerky!

And all I could think was, "Yeah, I'll bet."


After telling SD about this, he reminded me of the time we were driving the same route and, a few miles past the XXX Outlet, we passed the "Adult Bookstore"<---------also the real name, marketing GENIUS, right?! The sign outside the Adult Bookstore read: COME IN FOR OUR SPRING BLOW OUT!

Diet Coke came out my nose. Yes, as I've said before, I am a 12 year old boy.

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UPDATE:

Okay, I was feeling all sad and depressed and then I received a comment from Belinda at Ninja Poodles which pointed me to THIS PICTURE. And now I may be laughing for the next four hours. Damn her. I really need to get some sleep.

Yeah, a list post. Because it's too hot for paragraphs.

1. The past two weeks have been truly insane around here for lots of reasons.
2. Last weekend was Bug & Bear's birthday party and it went well. NINETEEN children were in my backyard, armed with water guns, water balloons, and other weapons of mass (lawn) destruction. A good time was had by all.
3. And then we all passed out.
4. Last week was Bear & SP's last week of school. I attended the awards ceremonies for both children. Which is always a bucket of fun.
5. Though both kids DID get certificates for All 'A' Honor Roll. (patting self on back even though I had very little to do with it).
6. Bug is on a bit of a tear. And by "a bit of a tear" I mean the child has been a little shit -testing every limit that we have EVER established and falling to the ground screaming when I enforce said limits. Yesterday was the real corker though because he threw a big stinking fit during children's church and our children's minister had to come get me out of the church service. Oh, I was furious. But I did hold it together enough to not yell at him. I didn't even cuss!
7. I'm a little freaked out because Bug is no longer a "preschooler" AND SugarPlum is no longer an elementary school student. I have a child in junior high. That's just wrong.
8. I got notification of my 20 year HS reunion. THAT is seriously fucked up. I am definitely not old enough to have been out of high school for 20 years.
9. I am officially addicted to Twitter. And it is pissing me off because it has been seriously jacked up lately. That flying whale is officially my least favorite thing to see now.
10. I saw this "Cuss-o-Meter on somebody's site (can't tell you who any more). It looks at the first page of a blog and gives you the percentage of cussing yours has compared to other pages on the web. So, mine? 0% Zero. Percent. That is fucking unacceptable.
11. I finally watched last week's episode of "Top Chef" and was dismayed that my secret crush, Spike, had to pack his knives and go.
12. I am consoled only by the fact that "So You Think You Can Dance" is back. I love me some Nigel Lithgow! (And Tice DiOrio is really nice to look at, too)
13. Have twice answered the phone this weekend and impressively restrained myself from saying, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Really, you wouldn't believe how much self-control that took.
14. Finally, my favorite kid-quote of the month: "For breakfast I want a fried egg. No, wait, Mommy. I want a Mond Egg. And tomorrow, I want a Tuesd Egg." Silly boys.

That ought to bump me up on the cuss-o-meter!

Seven, count 'em, SEVEN candles!

My birthday boy (and his chocolate truffle birthday cake...guess who picked that out!)
All in one breath!

Mmmm! Tasty!

Feeling Yummy?

I asked, practically begged , Mother Talk to review this book. I am hoping to soon start "studying" under a friend of mine who is a doula and to take some classes to start me in that direction as well as to be come a lactation consultant. This doesn't come as news to anyone who has read here for very long at all. I've talked of it often. In addition, I am really interested in becoming certified to teach family life education classes - parenting, child development, etc.

I thought that Anna Johnson's The Yummy Mummy Manifesto would make an excellent addition to my library for new moms. It's quirky, it's fun. This is no What to Expect... book by any means. Unless, of course, it's maybe What to Expect when Carrie Bradshaw is Expecting. Written by the Fug Girls.

I'll be honest. I cannot see myself as a "Yummy Mummy." But I can use what Anna Johnson has to say as a starting place to finding my way out of the frump that I sometimes find myself in. Oh, come on, you've been there, too. We wear our uniforms - jeans and a t-shirt, and our hair "styles," my current fave is the "two days unwashed with a bandana tying it up" style. You know, just like Katie Holmes and J Lo. Heh. Is this how I WANT to look? No, but most days, it's as good as it gets. Johnson encourages moms to forgo the "uniform" and indulge yourself with sexy accessories, soft textures, etc. She also points out that if you MUST wear a t-shirt that crew necks are flattering to very few women. I haven't put this to the test yet, but I have found myself wearing more v-necks and button down shirts, so there is that.

Her chapters directed toward pregnant women are unlike any I've ever seen. Her chapter "Confessions if the Horny Pear" is well, just what you think it is. I can't say that this is a phenomenon I ever experienced. Once I was past the puking stage, I felt big as a house and not sexual at all. But I have had friends who were very, um, amorous, during pregnancy and thought that it was weird. Evidently, it's not. And the author encourages moms to indulge that desire! And I'm all for it. (But if you aren't feeling this way, do not, whatever you do, let your husband read this chapter. You'll never hear the end of it.)

She has a section on the pregnant bride - "The Bride Wore Stretch Lace." And a fantastic chapter on baby names. (Her son's name is Marcello. How awesome is THAT?!) As well as the obligatory chapters on what to eat, what to take to the hospital, actual childbirth and breastfeeding. Though, all of these chapters have a certain edge and candor to them that set the book apart from all others.

As I mentioned, she talks a great deal about mommy fashion. And I find some of her advice a little far fetched for those of us not living in Manhattan, LA or other trendy, major metropolitan areas. Yes, of course, wearing a cute, short skirt with a low cut blouse and push-up bra can do wonders for your self esteem. But in most of the little military towns where I have lived most of my married life, I would feel like I was headed to a costume party. (Okay, I will admit that in the past year, I have become a huge fan of the push-up bra. Mostly because when you have as little up front as I do, a little padding & pushing up does wonders for your self confidence). What I HAVE chosen to do is use this as a starting place to evaluate myself before I leave the house. Am I just "getting by?" Or am I looking the best that I can, appropriate to the situation? Because the stained t-shirt and sweats are doing nothing for me. Short of evoking pity.

But all in all? This book is brilliant. She discusses candidly and logically(!) key mommy sore-points such as house keeping, fighting with your spouse, dealing with the day-to-day drudgery that is parenting, finances...you name it. Just reading the table of contents will make you giggle:Morning Sick in Manolos: Finding your feet & holding your ground; Breastfeeding: Going with the flow; Crafts: For Women Who Hate Them; How Old is a Young Mother? The knees are going but the rebellion carries on. Okay, I won't give them all to you. Go get this book for yourself. Even if (like me) your youngest is five. Because what you read might change your life. Or at least make you smile.